Getting Committed? (uk)

[Abstract]

Have you tried mindfulness Kas?

I hate to say it but I do think Cherryblossom is right. I even know of someone who was quite seriously psychotic who was taken in repeatedly by friends and turned away. You never know of course. It varies so much.

I don't know if you realise this or not but you can email a lot of crisis centres such as Samaritans.

If this was me I would start putting everything in place possible to get alternative help. I truly understand how impossible that feels for you and encourage you to ask others to help you with what you feel you cant do.

This is what I would do:
* See a new dr and tell the whole story as fully as possible. These are the gatekeepers. I understand this will be hard for you.
* Look at charities or get someone to look for you. I was able to do this via email. If they have a long list ask them for recommendations or suggestions. Maybe write out what you have to say so that you don't have to do it repeatedly.
* Write a letter to your social worker if you have an address to do so.

I find suicidal ideation is very much precipitated by two things for me. Feeling trapped and as if there is no way out and not being able to speak or be in touch with what is happening within me. And flashbacks etc of course. I try to head off these things and that helps.

 

[cherryblossom]

I have no contact, rapport or history with a GP. My social worker is off from work for the foreseeable future and his work has currently not been picked up by anyone else.

I think these are things you need to sort out. Unfortunately asking for help once or twice often isn't enough. You have to keep on at these people. You really need to see a GP, and start again from there. Do you have a friend or family member who could act as your advocate? Someone who could make the phone calls on your behalf?

Just because your social worker is away, doesn't mean you should stop getting support. They need to assign someone else to you.

I understand that none of that is going to be easy for you, but you need to shout out, get noticed, and get the help and support that you need and deserve.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Well I cut my self today and it didn't do what I somehow had hoped (although it wasn't very deep). There wasn't even a moment of clarity or peace. Maybe I should try again deeper, but I don't really see the point, it didn't help at all. I've spent about 6 years chasing this up and been met with little to no advice and no real help. Short of walking into the surgery blood pouring, I've come to realise that they really don't give a shit.

I will go to my GP when I get back, but they just want to put me on medication, which I realise I need but the idea is so overwhelmingly triggering (yes triggering not a stressor or something that scares me although probably that as well). It's distressing I can't bare it and it's also the reason I've avoided asking for help. My mum is the only person who would be able to help me, but she doesn't want to believe its as bad as it is and minimises it all the time. I've not only told my social worker and GP that I'm suicidal and that I spend a lot of time time thinking about dying, hurting myself and ways of killing myself (though none that have actually appealed enough), I've gone to them and told them as plain as day - I CANNOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS ANY MORE, I CANNOT COPE ANY MORE. IT NEEDS TO END. I've been given another number to phone I quote "IF you get to a crisis". Can I not be any clearer?

When I phoned the Mental Health Unit about still not having heard from my social worker I said that I was really struggling and tried to explain but they stopped me and told me to phone someone else instead - I said I didn't know if I'd be able to make that call and the woman said it was difficult but I would have to try.

I'm scared and confused and I don't want to do anything worse, but not only do I feel the need to, I also feel like it's the only way I'll be heard and that I realise is not acceptable but it is the truth. I've been met with sympathetic "Oh it must be so hard, you'll just have to wait" or other cop outs telling me in no uncertain terms that I am not their problem - something which I am desperate not to be but WTF?!!!! I'm pretty much certain that if I threw myself under a train or off a cliff they'd shrug it off and say how it was obvious I needed help and that it was odd any one else except them didn't give it to me. I know there are people who deal with it worse than I do. I know I can manage pretty well on my own and don't like to burden others. I know I can rationalise most things and am adept at intense levels of procrastination to make sure I don't hurt or kill myself.

I have two failed attempts at suicide in the past - one a huge amount of painkillers, the other de-icer, but I now realise that they weren't sure enough and that if I want to kill myself I must be more decisive and I must find something that will end it with a 100% success rate. But I don't want to die really. It just seems like the only way. Never mind, I'm probably just wasting time here. I realise what I should do and will attempt to when I get home. I'm scared of what they will want me to do, what I will have to do and what I will have to say. I'm also terrified that I will tell them and yet again I'll be pushed off to one side. I realise that my ability to survive that is very good but it does just seem to mean that they keep doing it.

* See a new dr and tell the whole story as fully as possible. These are the gatekeepers. I understand this will be hard for you.

Even my Social Worker knows nothing more than I've at some point suffered some kind of childhood sexual abuse - I find it so unbelievably difficult to talk about and painful I can't even say the word rape - it feels like I lose another part of me when I read or type it and I just can't say it.

Again I will try when I get back, I'm some 150 miles away at the moment. Daftly - this is me in a good, safe place and I know it. I don't even feel that down or depressed and I do have a supportive friend here. I just feel that I can't cope and I'm terrified of going back - so much so that it's causing this which is bloody stupid as now my time here is spent fearing returning.

 

[Abstract]

I really feel for you Kas. These things are sometimes really unfair. And it seems we are often penalised for being able to string a sentence together as we obviously are still OK ish. Not.

I sympathise with your aversion to the word. I am a little better now but until a few months ago just seeing it felt like an assault. I can't type it either and saying is impossible. I was not meaning tell the dr details of the past and rather details of how you have been and how often etc. And I sympathise how difficult that can be too. I have not managed to get near a dr to have a lump checked and it is over 6 months now and have hidden this (symptoms) almost entirely too.

Try all you can to avoid self harm. It is a slippery slope and for me leads to shame, self hatred and more self harm. You don't deserve to be hurt. Rather set your mind to looking at ways to get yourself the help you need and getting the right people to help you do that when you are not able.

If I was in your situation I would see if anyone could do the research for you to find charities. They tend to be reliable controlled sources of help. I would see if you could write out your symptoms and if you can a general guideline of some of your trauma. No details. None of those words. Just that things happened to you at this and that time etc if you can. I think it will help if you can get the message across that this is complex trauma. Once you have done it once it is just a case of sending it off each time and you don't have to redo it. Whom ever helps you needs to get email addresses.

Are you hiding how bad you are from your family or are you able to tell them? Sometimes it helps to clearly state what someone can do to help us. I am sure your mother would rather be pulled out of her denial than have anything happen to you.

Ideally someone should log a complaint about you being left without social support. If it can be emailed or mailed that is good and it is traceable and they will know that. You or someone needs to tell them this is just not good enough. It would also help if you could get someone to make weekly telephone calls to nag for you.

There will be a way out of this and a way to get help so hang in there.

I truly understand the terror of asking for help and not receiving it. Until recently I was sure I would die one day because I could not ask for help. It's a terrible pain. I am telling you to do things I am not able to do at present so excuse the hypocrisy. I just know this is probably your best way to get what you need.

I find the best way to protect against the fear of rejection is to keep my expectations very low and always keep ideas of alternatives in mind before I do anything. To see it as just one part of a process rather asking someone for help and waiting to see if it is received.

 

[heidi]

How are you doing Kas? I have to say I can never get over how articulate and clear-headed everybody here sounds even at their worst moments.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I'm not so good, but I'm keeping on fighting for now. I was told by a woman from the Samaritans that my ability to remain articulate means that the NHS won't take me seriously but I'm not clear-headed in the slightest. I'm doing all the right things and keeping going, I will keep doing that for as long as possible and my Mum now knows what to do if I get worse again. I'm just trying to keep an even keel. Thanks for asking.

 

[Abstract]

my ability to remain articulate

I have had the same problem before with therapist even saying that I was making up being suicidal and not believing me no matter what I said over many months. Its ignorant at the least.

I hope your mother can step in.

 

[maddog]

This very disturbing tendency for articulate speech to be presumed to equal emotional/mental stability, is alive and well in my part of the world too, from what I have heard and experienced. While I obviously believe that an inability to do this is probably indicative of some mental disintegration, the reverse situation isn't always true. I am also someone who can, mostly, manage to string words together quite reasonably and rationally in spite of how I am feeling, and it's a frightening and lonely journey when the purpose of your words is dismissed due to the fact that those words are coherent.

I wrote a lengthy and detailed account of a prior trauma just a couple of weeks ago that I shared with my doctor. For a variety of reasons I was extremely unstable and distressed about this trauma and have struggled with suicidal urges frequently. On reading my account, my doctor became preoccupied with how well written it was and proceeded to ask me a variety of irrelevant questions about how long it had taken me to write, how I'd learned to write so well etc etc etc, and all while completely dismissing what I was saying.

That's a slightly different, but related, scenario, and it devastated me.

Sorry to hijack with a personal story, but I just wanted to offer some empathy and to echo Abstract's hope that your mum can be an advocat for you on this matter and can, through knowing you well, see through your words to your true coping, at least to some extent.

Hang in there, we've all got your back!

Maddog

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I am also someone who can, mostly, manage to string words together quite reasonably and rationally in spite of how I am feeling

Unfortunately, whilst I take great care on always being honest, I also have an unfortunate tendency to lie and say I am ok and appearing cohesive enough to make people believe me. Sometimes it is like a instinctual reflex, I'm bad and someone asks me if I'm ok and I reply immediately that I'm good/fine/ok and instantly regret it because I was desperate for them to ask as I really wanted to tell them that I wasn't but then I couldn't possible tell the truth otherwise I'd be seen as a liar.

This very disturbing tendency for articulate speech to be presumed to equal emotional/mental stability, is alive and well in my part of the world too, from what I have heard and experienced. While I obviously believe that an inability to do this is probably indicative of some mental disintegration, the reverse situation isn't always true.

This may well be printed on a T-Shirt or perhaps a piece of paper and worn/sellotaped to my face during every session I ever have with any medical professional.

Hang in there, we've all got your back!

Thank you. Thank you so much.xxxxxx

 

[maddog]

Yes, the reflexive "I'm fine" response has brought me undone and caused me a lot of lonely distress too. For those of us who were never encouraged, and/or actively discouraged, from disclosing our feelings, it is almost impossible to respond immediately in any other way.

When I can, which isn't always or even often, i try to force myself to take a few seconds to consider my response before speaking, and to consciously think of who Iam talking to, the context/reason for the discussion, and what I really want or need to say. Buying myself that bit of extra time can, in some instances, both allow me to choose my response more carefully, and offer a subtle indication to the other party, through my silent hesitation, that the response is difficult and may not be as straightforward as it may appear to be. Hell, it's a longshot, only the very perceptive who care to notice are going to pick up on this, but at the very least it can, sometimes, allow me a bit of extra control and empowerment in the situation.

I know there's a balance to be struck - we can't expect others to mindread or to know what we don't say, and yet particularly in the field of trauma, I think it is a reasonable expectation for treating professionals to have an acute awareness of the difficulties involved in honest disclosure, and some of the subtleties of communication and demeanour which might give a more honest "in" to the person's mental state.

Trauma-informed care, in which the dynamics of a possible trauma background are constantly borne in mind as a consideration in treating and assessing the individual, are a sadly lacking component of mental health care throughout the world I think. The stats regarding the prevalence of trauma in the population, which are even more compelling from within the population of those seeking mental health intervention, are striking and frightening and make a pretty compelling case for treating professionals to be mindful of the high likelihood of a trauma history.

For now, I know that's not the reality most of the time. I'm not sure how or when it will ever change, but in the meantime it throws up a lot of extra barriers to treatment and support.

Keep hanging in there.