Sick Of The Term 'ptsd Is No Excuse'

[Nicolette]

NOT being abused.

Please define what you mean by non abusive behaviours as there is greyness in the definition of your content from the onset.

I don't think your are going to get the responses you seemingly are seeking as you have not clarified what is it you are talking about but instead what it is not. The problem in that is what you define as 'not being abusive' may be interpreted as abuse from others.

This leads us back to full circle of interpretation on limited information of the internet and not knowing the person. I don't fully comprehend what you are referring to Loveneverfails other than we shouldn't say things to other Supporters but in relation to what???? :confused:

 

[Bilby]

You do realise that you're a sufferer, posting in the supporters section?? We look at things, and reply in course, based on how we are viewing the information provided. What is provided here is by no means a full account and history of the relationship in question or for which advice is sought, so we're left to comment on what we are given - and I'm sorry, but some of it has just been awfully degrading to the supporter.

I've seen people say PTSD is no excuse for isolating, no excuse for yelling, no excuse for being emotionally unavailable.

I think most of here know that these things happen, but you need to also be aware that as supporters, we are still human beings, with feelings and things going on of our own, and to have someone around who is isolating, yelling or emotionally unavailable is incredibly difficult. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a sufferer to be very clear about their intentions and what they need when they are 'isolating' and for a supporter to also make it clear on what they can/can't cope with. Communication - assertive communication I should add - is essential in a sound relationship, even more so in a relationship where PTSD is involved. There is only so much isolating, yelling or being 'emotionally unavailable' that a supporter can cope with though, and what that is, varies from individual to individual.

I'm pointing out that even in non PTSD cases, relationships hit snags where one person does something that hurts the others feelings.

This is true, I agree with you. But the way to work through those issues, is to communicate with one another, would you not agree? In situations where a sufferer won't communicate about their needs, or indeed listen to what their supporter needs, then the relationship becomes quite unhealthy. I can recall that I had some things of my own that I really needed to discuss with my sufferer and every time I tried, I was told that it would "have to wait". That went on for a long time and I just got to breaking point. I can't be denied of certain things in my relationship for an indefinite period of time, or to be made feel that my issues aren't important, because they are. Again, it comes down to being communicative and that was something that we had to work on and I'd encourage anyone in a relationship to ensure that they can effectively communicate.

 

[Loveneverfails]

You do realise that you're a sufferer, posting in the supporters section?

No I was not aware of this. In fact I was fairly sure I posted it in the sufferer section as I try to steer clear of the supporter area altogether. Also because(and perhaps I should have been more clear) my post was directed at the sufferers talking to the supporter. I would like to apologize if I did post it in the supporter section, because honestly I try to leave you guys alone. You have enough to deal with.

But the way to work through those issues, is to communicate with one another, would you not agree?

That is absolutely what I'm saying and we're in 100% agreement on that:

They must ultimately make up their own minds of course, but leaving should not be the immediate choice when they're upset and NOT being abused. Communication and work are the first steps. Counseling, personal therapy and so on are logical choices.

I think most of here know that these things happen, but you need to also be aware that as supporters, we are still human beings, with feelings and things going on of our own, and to have someone around who is isolating, yelling or emotionally unavailable is incredibly difficult.

I don't doubt that at all. In fact I'm sure it's downright torture. My issue is with sufferers advising supporters with these issues that this kind of behavior is because another sufferer is just not a good person to start with. It is actual PTSD behavior and very difficult and painful to deal with.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Please define what you mean by non abusive behaviours

I've seen people say PTSD is no excuse for isolating, no excuse for yelling, no excuse for being emotionally unavailable.

we shouldn't say things to other Supporters but in relation to what?

Telling every supporter who posts that their sufferer isn't meeting their needs that they're with a bad partner is in all likelihood not true

These people are reaching out for help at an extremely emotional and vulnerable time and our answer based on the limited(often one sided) knowledge we're getting is to tell them oh that person is just mean?

Sorry it was unclear, I hope that clarifies a bit.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I thought this post was in the sufferers section when I replied to it. Has it been moved?

 

[Meadowsweet]

You do realise that you're a sufferer, posting in the supporters section??

The post has been moved from the sufferers section. To be honest, if it had have been in the supporters section, I wouldn't have replied, because I do understand that supporters are human and need to let off steam when they are facing their own difficulties.

It kind of makes it awkward. But maybe it can bring some compassion both ways.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Excuse me it is a debilitating disorder? You need not excuses.

 

[Nicolette]

In fact I was fairly sure I posted it in the sufferer section as I try to steer clear of the supporter area altogether.

I moved it as I read it as being about what is being said to Supporters, not to Sufferers, and not what was being said by Sufferers to Supporters as there is only one or two Sufferers who do that. Did I misunderstand?

I will move it back but will tell you it actually comes across as being offensive to Supporters as it does border on trying to say we should be more tolerant of behaviour which, while related to the illness, if not abusive is acceptable? Is that correct? As that is why I asked you to provide some insight into what you are saying is not abusive and should be tolerated - not requiring a healthy boundary if it is something which would not be acceptable normal behaviour.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't feel you've addressed this

It seems like every where I look around the forum these days I see 'Ptsd is no excuse for...' and in many ways that is correct. PTSD is no excuse for adultery, no excuse for violent behavior, no excuse for saying hurtful things- but the context in which it's being used is in many ways offensive and not entirely correct.

as it is not "everywhere" and how is it offensive and not entirely correct? Please elaborate.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm actually asking for clarification and I think the problem with this thread is the use of words like "every" and I also don't see all Sufferers telling Supporters to leave. As I have a shoe on both sides of the fence I believe I have a valid reason to comment as, take extreme isolating as an example, while a condition of the illness, it is not behaviour conducive to being in a relationship. So, if you have a Sufferer that continually and consistently isolates for extended periods of times I would tell the Supporter to consider leaving if they want a 'relationship' as having someone only physically present is not a healthy relationship for the Supporter.

 

[Nicolette]

Ps... And I only say the above if the Supporter is asking for an opinion -
Not if they just outline their relationship and they can cope with such behaviour and treatment.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Everybody has a valid reason to comment on things, but we all will come a bias based on our own experiences. When everybody shares, it gives the many different perspectives that are possible.

Isolating, although it's a symptom by itself, to me it has been absolutely necessary to maintaining my health. I agree that for many people, it's not conducive to being in a relationship. But then they can leave, without the judgement of someone being a 'bad' person and without the blame.

I have been left by friends (not spouses) because of PTSD, and deal with that with compassion and understanding for the person leaving. I don't blame of feel sorry for myself. And that's the bias that I come from. i see someone self-pitying about a spouse with PTSD not being what they want, and I think that they might feel less hurt, if they had some understanding and compassion for the others needs.