General Can Love Be A Trigger?

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand a relationship getting more serious can be an additional stressor to a sufferer. I understand the cup analogy. But, I guess what I am asking, is can being loved or told you are loved possibly be a trigger by itself?

 

[SRE7267]

Absolutely. In my experience, telling him I love him or that he is loved... It makes him shut down. He has told me he doesn't feel like he is worthy of that.... That he doesn't deserve it. So I am VERY cautious when I use those words and instead, choose to show him and make him FEEL loved rather than expressing. I do still say it, but I'm careful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It can be suffocating. I am the sufferer and I always let the guy say it first. Yes I kick it old school. Even a lot of normie guys are weirded out by a girl saying the L word first.

 

[Abstract]

I think the words themselves could be an actual trigger if they were used during a trauma. And I think being loved or saying that the person is loved could be a stressor. In other ways it may bring up feelings because of people in the past having said they love them and then harmed them.

For example: the person could feel that it wasn't about them being loved at all if it came across as needy whether accurate or not. Or it could bring up all the doubts of if they are worthy of the relationship or person - all the self hatred. Or if they have already shared that they are struggling to trust and be in a relationship it could feel suffocating. Or if they have been isolating etc it could bring up severe guilt.

But I think if the person is saying it in a way that feels reciprocal and balanced then as difficult as it may be (it may not be difficult at all for some of course) then it could be healing. So I think it goes back to each person and couple being unique and it being a balancing process and it needing to be about true affection and not just need. So as long as it is a healthy dynamic then it isn't something to feel bad or guilty about even if conversations need to be had to manage it in the future. Does that make sense?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you all for your input! It helped.

 

[Abstract]

Remember you are not responsible for others distortions or triggers though Bewitched.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Does that make sense?

It makes so much sense. This thread just gave me an epiphany. It's still bouncing around my head. Love as much as I love it ironically has triggered me since 1997. I know for sure because that's when a guy I was with at that time began to emotionally abuse me. We had been together for 2 years. And he continued for 9 years once he started.

After that relationship I noticed that the closer I got with a guy and the more vulnerable I felt I would start having these weird like panic attack insecure types of feelings that I couldn't understand or explain. I would spend hours scared and obsessing and talking to my friends trying to calm down.

All these years later and with my PTSD diagnosis I now understand that while it wasn't panic attacks it was anxiety. And it wasn't just insecurity for the sake of insecurity it was me scanning my environment as in hypervigilance carefully looking and watching for any little sign or nuance that it was going to start again. I NEVER understood what was happening to me or why. And when I finally was able after my diagnosis to recognize that the idea of falling in love could be a trigger seemed something I was probably wrong about. I mean how could romantic love be a trigger? So I've never mentioned it to anyone. Until now. Like right now.

For me love was part of the weapon used against me. He hurt me. He loved me. He hurt me and yet I loved him. Love has almost always equaled pain for me. When you fall in love is when they abuse you is basically what my brain seems to now think. True genuine non abusive real love has been rare for me. It feeds right into my self worth issues. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy. Having your own love used against you like a weapon to control you is one of the most demented and confusing things.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm no longer with my sufferer, but this idea has been bouncing around my head since he isolated this last time. I do know I am not responsible for his triggers. I do, but it still adds up to help me understand why this isolation was so different. And some things he had said, although not directly.

I just feel it is part of the whole.

Blackbird, the way you described it made it even clearer to me. Thank you. It makes sense to me.

I'm afraid my sufferer will never be able to see himself as worthy of real love. The kind that isn't used to manipulate or control. It makes me very sad. He really is such a good man, especially when he puts down his bravado mask. I just want him to find some peace at this point, even though its without me.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Blackbird, the way you described it made it even clearer to me. Thank you. It makes sense to me.

I'm glad I could help. I'm also glad it makes sense to you. And since it's an epiphany I'm just now having I'm glad it makes sense to one of us. I'm still processing it out. It feels sometimes like playing connect the dots. Constantly having to ask myself "ok what triggered me this time?".

Love can be tricky for people as it is. But throw PTSD into the mix and wow it can add some serious confusion. It's hard to keep track of triggers and then not take things personally. I totally understand that logically. There's just so much to it sometimes I think for both sides that it can really add stress where none was intended.

 

[Abstract]

Love has almost always equaled pain for me.

It is totally dementing Blackbird. I think the other thing for me is that I just don't believe it. I am waiting for the real agenda. Even when my logical mind thinks there probably isn't one.

the more vulnerable I felt... panic attack insecure types of feelings

Yes. There is an instictive fear there. So glad you got to talk about it last.

Its funny you bring up emotional abuse as in some ways I actually think my mother is more responsible for this stuff than anyone else. Things were never as cut and dried with her and it was hard to know what was really happening.

adds up to help me understand

I think understanding can be really helpful. I think trying to be in a relationship with someone with this type of past can be a little like trying to befriend a feral cat. Come close too quickly and it will either hiss or run away.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

It is totally dementing Blackbird. I think the other thing for me is that I just don't believe it. I am waiting for the real agenda. Even when my logical mind thinks there probably isn't one.

Yes. There is an instictive fear there. So glad you got to talk about it last.

It's so hard to believe and trust love. From my family I can. From men? I try. And I get so triggered it's so hard. I end up wanting to be shown again and again that the guy really is safe. That he really isn't planning to hurt me. A huge part of my struggles come from trying to assert myself without sounding like a clingy desperate person who's just demanding attention.

What I'm actually doing is asking ten million questions so that I have something to tell the hypervigilant thoughts that are screaming in my ear that this guy too is about to do something abusive. Love is one thing I don't want to be ruined. I lost enough from my traumas. I don't want to lose the prospect of being loved for real too because of them.

Its funny you bring up emotional abuse as in some ways I actually think my mother is more responsible for this stuff than anyone else. Things were never as cut and dried with her and it was hard to know what was really happening.

I know what you mean. My ex was like that too. My therapist says what he did was like emotional torture. It's so hard to explain though. I'd have to tell long stories of things he did for all of the pieces to fit. He'd deliberately deceive me to my face and threaten me. And all of it would be a lie even if I was holding proof in my hand. He smiled when he was angry. He'd be calm then too. I never knew when to expect it. Ok there were certain things I knew yes but the rest of the time he had me guessing. I never knew where I stood or what was real. And naturally everything was my fault.

 

[Abstract]

I'd have to tell long stories of things he did for all of the pieces to fit.

I know that feeling and sometimes I still feel like I could not describe it no matter how many words I use.