Relationship My Partner Is Joining Cheat And Casual Sex Sites

[bubbiekins]

Me and my partner have been together 4yrs now and I found him joining and searching on local shag sites. I confronted him about it and he said he was doing it to teach me a lesson , although I'm not sure what, as I haven done anything to make him do this, and he deleted all the emails from the website, witch I recovered, thats how I found out. This was a few months ago, and everything has been fine since, he assures me he loves me and theres no one else, and that his please with me in all ways.

Now I have found him doing it again, what do I do?

 

[The Albatross]

First off, don't buy the "I'm teaching you a lesson" bit. Basically, you have a choice, act or accept. When this happened in my own marriage, I acted.

I told him don't come home unless you make an appointment with our pastor. Our church mediated and he confessed the actions to him where he actively maintained the lie with me (even though like you I had recovered info on his computer including emails). We ended up in 14-16 weeks of individual and joint counseling in our church and are still together. But we are faith based. My spouse understands if it happens again, I will file for divorce.

Through the course of our relationship, monogamy was an important thing to me. He knew this and crossed the boundary with soft porn, self pleasure and contact with anonymous women. I'm sorry this happened to you because I know how much pain and upset this caused me.

It is a violation of trust, and a direct reflection of your partner's character. You sound like you've previously set a boundary. Since he has repeated the behavior, it is up to you to enforce the boundary you set or decide if you can accept this behavior. I'm short on time, and would like to write more but hope this helps you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm sorry this is happening in your life.

Cheaters cheat because of something lacking in them, not in the person they cheat on.

Teach YOU a lesson?! What a bunch of manipulative, selfish malarkey! Accept none of that.

Chances are, what you've discovered is the tip of the iceberg. I highly suggest you get tested for sexually transmitted diseases immediately.

My best suggestions are to speak with your therapist. Secure all your bank accounts and anything in your name. Get an emergency fund built up in case you or he needs to move out. Password protect your computer and any shared accounts.

He's the one who destroyed trust. If he is still willing to try, he'll be willing to do the work to earn it back.

Hang in there. Take good self-care. Find supportive people outside the house to help you deal with the emotions. Don't let him get his serotonin rush by making you feel bad. Part of this behavior is the rush they get by sneaking around.

If you really want to set a firm boundary, you could take away his power in this manipulative game. A simple, non-emotional 'ok then. I didn't realize fidelity wasn't a part of our relationship. Well, now that I know we're operating by these rules, we can each do as we please. Have fun.'

Some of my friends have done this and two woke their partners up quick. Two others, though, discovered they didn't have the relationships they thought they did, and left to pursue happiness with someone more aligned with their value system. You'd have to decide what you're wanting, and whether or not he's capable and willing to be that.

Remember that if he's speaking hurtfully, you're under no obligation to stand there and listen. You have the option of exiting the conversation.

Hang in there. Ditto everything Alba said, as well.

 

[nursenurse]

Amen to what BloomInWinter just said. You are being emotionally abused. Teach you a lesson? Oh, puhleez! We are not in Kindergarten anymore. He wants his cake and eat it too. Don't fall for that nonsense. Why in the name of PTSD are we willing to put up with such shoddy treatment of ourselves? A lot of us are giving 100% while not receiving even 1% back. In fact, we're sometimes in a deficit, lol.

You have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. Remember your value as a human being. And learn to love yourself more than anything. It does not mean egocentrism or narcissism. It just means that you need to value yourself before others will value you in the way which you want them to, and the way you deserve.

 

[discarded]

I can relate well to everything you have said and I agree with the comments the others have made. As I discovered, this is more than likely just the tip of the iceberg. He really needs to be prepared to earn back your trust on your terms. If he isn't then leave before you are hurt even more and he convinces you that you deserve it or are the reason why he did it. I am still trying to come to terms with why my ex did this to me and lied consisitently about it. He convinced me that i was the terrible wife for not believing him when all the time the cheating and internet crap (and texting and phones calls) were still going on for years.

You deserve so much more, we all do.

 

[Bilby]

Totally not on - and if you ask me, it's got nothing to do with PTSD. PTSD doesn't explain this kind of thing (just my opinion).

Good luck.

B x

 

[ms spock]

Cheaters cheat because of something lacking in them, not in the person they cheat on.

Teach YOU a lesson?! What a bunch of manipulative, selfish malarkey! Accept none of that.

I agree.

 

[tegan]

Hi,

I'm in the same boat as you.

It is so painful but seems like nothing to them. I am Continuously forgiving my partner for these acts but it is never getting better.

If you need to talk I am here.

 

[amethist]

I am Continuously forgiving my partner for these acts

Sounds like consequence time, he quits doing this or you leave.

 

[nursenurse]

Start respecting yourself more, throw caution to the wind, and kick his sorry ass out the door, Tegan. No mincing of words here.

 

[Meadowsweet]

What do you want to do? You either want him to stop it or you don't.

I don't understand from your post what the actual problem is??

 

[Rumors]

He got caught so he has to blame somebody, right? Question is, are you going to accept responsibility for his poor choices? I hope not.

I know you have a lot of time, caring, and love invested into this relationship but you deserve more! Don't settle for less than a partner who respects themselves and you more than this. If he isn't happy, he could get out or suggest counciling and that would be how an adult accepts responsibility. That is someone worth the effort.

Good luck! Hang in there and stay strong! You are worthy of love and good things!