@Kacee... hmm... that is a very interesting thought. I think at times I am in that same place where I feel like he's really gone and there's nothing left for me to do but move forward in my own life without him... to let go of the dreams of what could have been. I am at my very best during those times -- a sense of peace washes over me and I feel a strength unlike any other and while I am sad, I am also smiling at the same time for finally being able to act on what I know needs to happen.
And then BAM! He swoops back in... I swear in those moments it's almost like he knows that I'm letting go so has to take action. He comes back to me and we fall right back into our groove, I re-gain the hope, our walls break down, he allows me in, I allow him in. We get somewhere and so the cycle continues. And then inevitably something happens where we are thrown off track -- he withdraws and isolates, I feel responsible for causing it (I am sometimes too comfortable and find that I trigger him but don't realize it until after the fact) and then I feel responsible FOR him in the sense that I feel like I cannot walk out on him like so many important people in his life have -- that if he ever needed anyone to stand by his side no matter what, it's now and I won't leave him when he needs someone the most. I become the strong, fighting "friend" -- willing to put my feelings aside and just be a pillar of strength and consistency for him.
This is where I get tripped up. I'm willing to be his friend to remain the constant solid person in his life -- but at what cost? I cannot truly move on with my life if I always put him first -- because even when I've been in other relationships, he (my sufferer) has always come first and that has made being in a relationship really difficult -- actually, it's a large part of why my other relationships have not worked out -- it always comes down to a battle within myself of how can I be in a relationship with someone if I always choose my sufferer... our friendship, our history, my feelings -- they are just so deeply rooted in me. If I were to strongly believe in soul mates, I would say that's exactly what we are... but I once read this and it resonated deeply:
“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert
And so this is where I am. I need to learn to really let him go -- to stop the cycle of the back and forth because it's torturing my soul. I cannot enter another relationship with another man while still holding on to the hope that my guy will come back to me and we will get married, have kids and live the life I dream of having with him. It's unrealistic and truthfully -- it's a lot of pressure to put on him and the expectation, well that's not fair for either of us. But I also truly believe that I deserve to have that kind of love in my life -- someone to build a home and a family with... and let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. I've been toying with this relationship with my sufferer for 13 years... and now I'm 30 years old. It's time to shift something real. I just don't know how to do it. I fear that the only way is for me to sever ties completely -- but I know it will be heartbreaking for both of us -- I honestly don't know if I'm willing to go there... and that scares me because if I'm not willing to go there, then that means I'm not really willing to let go of him. Ugh, I sit here with tears in my eyes realizing that I feel so stuck, so defeated and I truly hope that a shift occurs within me that allows me to break free from chains that hold me here.
