Relationship How To Let Him Go?

[BewitchedBewildered]

Something about the sudden disappearance/ avoidance/ no closure - good to gone- breaks you. Or, that's how it feels to me.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Sometimes he drifts but he keeps coming back. I've started to wonder if that's a good or bad thing.

My thoughts exactly. I'm currently taking a break to find out what want... I realized I do want to have a happy relationship and start making some kids one day.... After 3 years I just don't see it happening any day with him :(

It's addictive and ego feeding when somebody drifts but keeps coming back to us, but it's also making us numb and have a twisted look on what love is supposed to be like...

 

[Gingerly]

Rosanne, it sounds like your instincts are pointing you in the direction of a separation. Your daughter is an innocent and you and she deserve to live a safe and happy life.

 

[Rosanne]

Hi everyone,
Well, I have been going to my husbands theraphy sessions with him and pleased to report that things have gotton a little better. He is getting control of his verbal abuse. His therapist explained to him that under no circumstance should you be yelling at your wife and that seems to have done something to my husband. I am not even sure if he knew he was doing it. I know it has only been 2 months since my last post, but I see a very little light trying to shine through at the end of my very long tunnel.

Please dont get me wrong, life is still very rough and stressful, but with the screaming absent, I feel like I can think a little clearer. I still need to decided whether or not to stay under the same roof with him. After 2 months of theraphy, the therapist feels that it would make my husband worse if we were to split up. Part of me agrees with that as I dont think he would have any reason to continue the road to healing if he didnt have his family waiting for him. But on the other hand, I do worry what this is doing to my soon to be 8 year old. I asked her a few weeks ago if she would like to have her and mommy live in a different place than daddy, and of course she answered no, that she loves her daddy. My job seems to be keeping her out of his way so he doesnt get stressed more. This really doesnt feel like living to me anymore......its very depressing.

When he has his good moments....they are really good and that is what I feel I am holding onto. The problem is, they are so far and few between.

Has anyone been in this situation that can share what they are doing or have done..... I would appreciate it.
Thanks.

 

[LDR]

Ugh. I know there is no real answer to this. But I just keep coming back to the question of... How do I let him go? My heart breaks when I think about it... Makes me sick to think about it REALLY being over. But I'm holding onto something that I don't know if I will ever really have. And when the uncertainty is so strong, at some point you have to let it go. But I don't know how to truly do that. I don't want to sever ties completely. But it's difficult to support him so much and be that "friend" -- when all the while I'm hoping he will come back to me. It's just so hard... I need to dig deep and find that strength in me thats hiding in this moment.

Same here, its like I wrote that. You took the words and feelings and expressed them precisely.

Right now: what I am trying to do is work on myself, improve myself, make myself stronger, and experience other relationships that will help uplift me and give me a healthy perspective; so that one day if we meet again we will both be ready.

I hope that, if you are at the same point I am right now, saying this helps enforce something in you:)

 

[LDR]

I so agree with this

Wow. Moving on. So real. So relevant. So hard. So necessary. I come back to this place re-reading what I wrote only a couple of months ago... and I see how ready I was to make the shift... and now the shift has occurred. I put myself first -- said what I needed to say to him... even when he didn't want to hear it and even when I felt guilty and felt like I was abandoning him. Maybe I am abandoning him on some level -- but what I do know is that I am taking care of myself for the first time. And I'm not super comfortable with that -- but it's something that I know right now is what I need to do.

.

I so agree with this. I did the same thing. I had a moment where I just wanted to hear his voice because I was in a dark place and also go the opposite he just wasn't there meaning he disappeared AGAIN, then I completely unloaded all the hurt feelings built up in the past 5 years and said I couldn't talk to him anymore too. It is therapeutic but for me at least it brought on a lot of guilt. I am disappointed I went to that level thinking about how he is in such a dark place. At the same time though, they need to take accountability of their behavior and hopefully this will be a learning experience for him.

It seems you are a very strong person and no matter how strong you are, it is something you need to do for yourself. If you didn't it would still be there. With all you have accepted in your relationship with him maybe it is his turn to accept something? I don't know its so hard to know what should or could be done and the best way to approach any of this. I like your posts, definitely good to share thoughts.

Does anyone else have more to say about this issue? Can anything be done? Is it fair for us to share our feelings, is it selfish? Will it ruin things in the long run or will it help each person grow from it? Is there anything that can be gained or lost?

 

[Not.an.angel]

I've been gone from here since August. I reread all of the responses here. I reread what I had written in reply. I said I was done but apparently I was wrong. I married my best friend (and a sufferer) on November 15th. We, at least I thought, we happy and had a new lease on life. We often commented how we could accomplish anything as long as we were together. But alas, I'm back here, lost, tired, and heartbroken. I'm reading about other supporters feeling the same way and again not knowing how or when leaving is right. We feel guilty for wanting and needing to take care of ourselves too. We want to "help" so desperately. I'm going to file for a divorce pretty soon. I just ended couples therapy. I finished being a punching bag. I'm looking forward to brighter days ahead. I can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm trying.

 

[Gingerly]

@Not.an.angel, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you that I would have done exactly what you did – would have gotten married (had he asked) thinking we could accomplish anything as long as we were together. But, I know now that I was living in a fantasy world. I am still going through a difficult time trying to get over our break-up. It ain’t easy.

I wish you all the best and as you can see from all of the posts in this thread, you are not alone.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

would have gotten married (had he asked) thinking we could accomplish anything as long as we were together. But, I know now that I was living in a fantasy world. I am still going through a difficult time trying to get over our break-up. It ain’t easy.

Exactly this....the whole 9 yards. I guess a lot of us empaths just don't want to understand that it will not change. At least not without years and years of therapy. Also, we forget/do not want to see that the person's initial character has a lot of influence on how they treat a relationship while suffering PTSD as well.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

It is therapeutic but for me at least it brought on a lot of guilt. I am disappointed I went to that level thinking about how he is in such a dark place. At the same time though, they need to take accountability of their behavior and hopefully this will be a learning experience for him.

This gave me goosebumps. guilt guilt guilt...its the emotion I live by since ex-suff. and I broke up. But then yes, it's his own responsibility to WANT to recover. Please don't laugh at me, but every time he calls me and tells me he had a rough night and feels so awfull, I feel like I'm leaving my child in kindergarden for the first time and I feel sooo so guilty that I just want to spend the whole day cheering him up. But then again, he is the one who fails to make an appointment with his T on time, because it gives him headaches, he is the one choosing the ''easy'' way out by just waiting 2 weeks after each session to make an appointment.

I think the key element here is that we have been enabling them the freedom to think that they don't have to take their situation seriously. The more I read here, the more I udnerstand that the instant a sufferer accepts what he/she is going through, and accepts that it's his/her own responsibility to try to recover, everything changes. Their lives get better (at least for some), thei relationships improve, etc. And to be fair, this is just a general thing. It's not just for PTSD, it's for everyone. When you start taking responsibility of your own actions, life improves. Counts for me, the codependent empath, as well.

 

[Gingerly]

Counts for me, the codependent empath, as well.[/quote]

I was [am] codependent too, but I'm going to therapy, reading self-help books, hoping and praying.