Taking The Blame

[CraftyCath]

I have been having difficulty with this for a very long time and wondered if anyone else did.

I could call it self-blame but it isn't quite the same. I would say that I feel responsible but I know the feelings are wrong.

As a child I was blamed for many things; some I did, most I didn't or was too young to understand. My sister said recently that I had been a 'naughty child.' (I am the youngest of three). When I asked her what she meant she said I had put a comb in Mum's oven when it was pre-heating; the comb had melted and ruined the oven and Mum had gone mad at me. I have no memory of this but rather than just accepting her word I asked more questions, a move forward for me. I asked her how old I had been and she said I was very young, a toddler perhaps. I asked her what was such a young child doing near a hot oven without a parent watching over her. She could not answer.

It seems that it was easy to blame me for everything that went wrong when I was tiny...the pet bird escaping, my Dad hurting his back lifting me, holidays being 'ruined' because I was travel sick etc.

I visited my grandfather when he was ill and he died a week later, I thought it was because I had visited him. I was only 2 and I wasn't even told how ill he was. When I was 12 I went to visit my grandmother in hospital and she died a week later - again I blamed myself. Again I was not told how ill she was even though she had terminal cancer.

There was so much bullying and abuse in my childhood I never got time to think, to process. Then, when I was training as a nurse a patient died in quite a gruesome way and I was blamed. I won't go into details but I did not kill him even though I was told I did but I believed the accusation. I believed I killed him.

Now I know that is not true and have been through much therapy and healing over that but I still feel this indescribable sense of blame whenever something happens; like my budgerigar dying recently. Was it something I did or didn't do, could I have done more, did she die because of some neglect on my part, was she really dead when I buried her, did I bury her alive?

It torments me. The paranoia and intrusive thoughts are hard to fight. I do fight them, I know the thoughts are wrong but I cannot seem to stop it. It is awful to live with. I know I have been taught to take the blame and am now breaking free from it but I can't stop these horrible feelings of guilt, paranoia and blame.

If someone accuses me unjustly it sends me into a spiral of self-doubt, anger and dissociation and leaves me a quivering wreck. That is linked directly with being accused of the man's death when I was nursing and the other stuff with my childhood. In fact, it all links in but I just can't stop it.

I don't know if any of this is making sense as I find my mind getting confused as I am typing this but if anyone can help, if anyone has a similar problem then I would love to hear from you.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I have guilt and blame for things that are not my responsibility either. I took on that role early in my family because no one else did and someone had to be responsible. I was blamed a lot or overheard other people saying stuff as a kid and when we are little and things happen we internalize things and blame ourselves because we are little and dont know how to handle it! The cycle keeps going and depending on our experiences through out life it can be repeatedly internalized. It is something I still struggle with. There is a good book my therapist recommended it is called Toxic Shame and the authors last name is Bradshaw. It basically discusses a lot of what your dealing with and how to manage that or atleast come to terms.

My therapist help me see that I thought if I didn't take the blame, shame, guilt EVERYTHING would fall apart and in a hectic crazy dysfunctional household I was constantly trying to fill in the holes and fix everything. Like if I don't fix something or take responsiblity we will all fall apart! That just got internalized in my head. Seems that I had to fill that role in my family. I realize now that I can take a step back and not take on others emotional issues and that things arent going to fall apart if I don't. If it helps you do it, if it hurts you dont. My therapist also says, "Blaming you is never the answer. You have to change your thoughts and fight those feelings and that cycle of negative thinking. Blaming you gets you no where and just stuck in the same cycle." So blaming yourself is never the answer because it does not help you, it hurts you.

I like to write my bad thoughts out and then rate them as rational or irrational and then try to piece back to where I learned that belief at. Once I get there I write positive things about myself and then it slowly starts changing your habit of negative thinking.

I realized the stuff my parents instilled in my head was wrong, the stuff I took blame for is not my fault, and allllllllll these beliefs were put into my little head as a kid. I have a sense of control now, that I can control my thoughts, beliefs, and judge them as right or wrong because I am an adult now and fully capable of it, I just have to do the work, which sucks but hey it beats beating yourself up over things that were WRONGLY put into your developing mind.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Oh and Also, try setting up a time limit on how much you can worry a day about all that! After the time is up just stop! its easier said than done, but it makes you more aware or yourself, beliefs, behaviors and gives you the hope of being able to control it better.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It makes perfect sense Cath. I have a side of myself that I feel is innately bad. And 'bad' seems to mild a word for how I feel.

But reading your story here, it seems that you are aware of where your thought processes stem from, so well done for getting to that stage.

Just keep doing whatever you're doing, but it doesn't hurt to stop and look at how far you've come sometimes.

Best wishes.

 

[franciemarnie]

And also you didn't hurt your beloved bird. You loved him dearly and gave him a wonderful home.

But I know the feeling and crazy untrue thoughts that feel true because of when they were first instilled and how they were embedded.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow. Thank you so much for this post! I just put two-and-two together and realized that one of the main reasons I'm so darn defensive is because I too was blamed for things as a child, mainly my moms drinking. This is a lot for me to digest right now, so I don't have more to say... But thank you.

 

[Tanishq]

Crafty Cath, this has happened during my childhood. Got blamed for everything. I think better we don't take their blames and leave them alone. Those who keep blaming others when things don't go as they want, tells about their immaturity and also irresponsibility of their own tasks. They can't force others to make their things better. Certainly not in abusive ways.

I do this,too till to date. It has also turned into self blame. I am becoming aware that we need to stay out of this blame game. Blame game is for those people who doesn't want to responsible ever in their life. Pretty bad.

I wonder if we stop self blaming, could this lead us towards responsible person? What benefit will we get? Perhaps we can find new target and get motivated to stop this for forever. I sense freedom coming for us. But I would like to answer of this questions I posted in this paragraph.

 

[pamcoco]

Hell is raining down blame on me tonight, so know we are parallel in containing the feeling of others that are too dumb or unwilling to own. You are the identified patient. Ironically something my mom told me recently. Kind of like a pawn in a family game of chess, you are thrown into the ring to distract while everyone else finds cover. It is their need to keep the focus off their own bad behavior that makes your naivete irresistible.

Be clear, this has nothing to do with you. You simply were the easiest target and the more you are targeted the less work is involved in targeting you next time. Wonder what sis was up to while you were placing a comb in the stove, unattended? And most importantly, as you mentioned, where was Mom? Everyone forgets to ask as the spotlight centers on you. That is the purpose you serve emotionally in the family, letting of the steam of the relationship between mom, dad and siblings.

I refer to this in Los Angeles as the lord of the flies theory. The weak are sacrificed, not because they are bad, but because they are weak. You were weak because you were the youngest, both physically and mentally a few steps behind. Me too. The youngest with 2 older brothers that violently beat me while we were daily unattended after school. Of course I was the one punished for crying when pushed down the stairs. Punished for being a 'baby' and remember no one likes a tattletale.

Tonight I sit with my mother and step fathers complete blame for the over-reactionary reactions I admitted, asked, and then pleaded they not corner me into. Admitting I cannot stop or control my urge to beat them bloody, or run for the hills when they gang up on me. They gang up on me anyway trying to shame me to sign a 80k deed on my house without the information of what adds up to 80k.

But, they have 'helped' me during these tough times. It is kind of funny to even write that. She helped me eat, pay my bills and indulged my 'irrational reaction' to being drugged and raped by my friend, confronted by a man in my hallway with a knife and don't forget she made me a sandwich after my surgery, repairing the damage created by the assault by my gyn. I should be grateful.

It is odd, maybe I should be, but really, I am not. Of course you care for your family and friends. Right? Clearly they missed that memo.

Now I always ask who my crucifixion serves and why it serves them, because that is where my pressure valve is installed. I bet it is crystal clear, every time you have been thrown under the bus. It doesn't make your valid pain any less, but perhaps absorb the pain so we may see the next one before we are on the asphalt.

I bet you are kind, perceptive and underneath it all, a tigress ready to pounce. Pounce.

 

[CraftyCath]

when we are little and things happen we internalize things and blame ourselves because we are little and dont know how to handle it!

Thank you ashdawn for your kind words. I feel encouraged and I will look at the book your therapist suggested. It is true that this blame is a sort of self flagellation and it is time it stopped.

I realized the stuff my parents instilled in my head was wrong, the stuff I took blame for is not my fault, and allllllllll these beliefs were put into my little head as a kid.

Thank you for this.

so well done for getting to that stage.

Thank you meadowsweet, I had not thought of it as progress because it drives me crazy but I HAVE made progress so thank you. x

But I know the feeling and crazy untrue thoughts that feel true because of when they were first instilled and how they were embedded.

Oh how I wish this wasn't true true Francine but it is and I think I can now recognise it. Thank you.

This is a lot for me to digest right now,

Solara, my very best wishes as you set off along this path. Drop by occasionally and let me know how you are getting on. :hug:

tells about their immaturity and also irresponsibility of their own tasks.

Jaret, your words made me cry! I never thought about how immature and childish my family were or about how these kind of people still shirk responsibility. Thank you so much.

I wonder if we stop self blaming, could this lead us towards responsible person?

You know, I think it will Jaret, I honestly do. I handle responsibility much better than I used to so I guess it must be true. I think we will always fight against self doubt but I think we will be much stronger.

I sense freedom coming for us.

So do I, so do I! :hug:

you are thrown into the ring to distract while everyone else finds cover. It is their need to keep the focus off their own bad behavior that makes your naivete irresistible.

Oh wow pamcoco that is exactly how it feels! I did not see it as me being in the spotlight, as me being used as the whipping boy so to speak. I have to say that I was treated very similar to you when my parents weren't around. I was taken to a 'haunted' house and left there, I was constantly hounded and hit by my brother and he would shove insects down my clothes. My sister knew I was scared of spiders and would tell me she had put them in my bed - sometimes she had and sometimes she was calling my bluff but I stripped my bed and remade it every night to make sure. She told me I was ugly and made a lot of comments about my looks and I grew up believing I was ugly, that no one would love me and if I ever had kids they would be ugly too. I used to lock myself in Mum's wardrobe or the bathroom so my brother wouldn't get at me. It goes on...

Thing is, if I told my Mum she never did anything about it, it was all too much trouble for her. Crying got me nowhere so I learned not to cry.

Who does my crucifixion serve? Not me that's for sure! A very good analogy.

I am kind, sometimes to kind and very, very perceptive. As for the tigress? It is grouching tiger hidden dragon here that is for sure and pouncing is definitely on the menu! I wish you the best with your journey pamcoco and if you have any more insight please share. Thank you so much.

One thing I forgot is that whenever I meet up with people I constantly feel like I am going to be told off and I remain anxious, tense and on edge the whole time.

 

[Tanishq]

CraftyCath,

I never thought about how immature and childish my family were or about how these kind of people still shirk responsibility. Thank you so much.

You are welcome any time. :)

It is like they big hole in their life resume. Responsibility is the major thing everyone has to learn how to take it in their life. Not many succeed here. Most just run away.

I handle responsibility much better than I used to so I guess it must be true. I think we will always fight against self doubt but I think we will be much stronger.

Congratulations to you. I am learning about self responsibility right now.

So do I, so do I! :hug:

:)

I have to say that I was treated very similar to you when my parents weren't around.

Same happened to me. I also wonder why I get beaten mentally everywhere in same pattern as family members do. They have fed so much fear in our heads. We need to fight and remove them all. We can do this.
:hug:

 

[pamcoco]

So glad I might have helped a bit, I was feeling nervous commenting for the first time. I have tendency to become preachy in my desperation I might hear my own voice. I am extreme in my affect and communications. Please forgive this as my intentions are pure.

It is my experience mom's don't acknowledge, validate or own the reality of what they did/do. I attribute this to the fact that if the could, they would have done it then. It is incapability not maliciousness. Imagine yourself as the mom that left the scorching stove unattended. What would your response be to the melted comb? The very nature that likely you would accept personal responsibility for your unattended child's act, is why we are the chosen one. They do not think that. They think about how we f-d things up things for poor them, added stress to their already stressful lives, mind you this is no fault of their own.

We are different animals. But the chosen pawns usually have something in common, I find. It is an incredible sensitivity and intuition. We are no longer that child that is thrown in the ring, we are adults. As such, I accept responsibility for volunteering to be a pawn. In this context for some weird reason, I always tell myself this quote from a movie: "There is no crying in baseball".

I cannot step into situations that lead me to be thrown under the bus and feel victimized. Now, I alone take those steps. In asking my mom to be accountable, so must I. Not that she is or ever will, but I must clean my eyesight enough that if she did, I could recognize it. I must grow up. Here is the wreckage of my life. It is this wreckage because I expected that they might one day release me from the family role that led to my demise. They don't. In fact it has exponentially gotten worse. God bless them. They are giving me an enormous gift with any crucifixion that remains. It is the truth. I am a volunteer.

My victimization was and is equally a gift as disaster. I simply cannot, will not, do not, do what I know is not right. And if I slip and do, I am perfectly clear who made that choice. Mind you people hate this aspect of me now and you can hear the echo in my life. I am extreme loud, angry and suspicious. But I don't care. I have experienced a life that brought me to situations in which my life is on the line. They have not. May they never know what it is like to face someone that wants to kill you. May they continue to have rose colored glasses. But should a war break out tomorrow, there is no question in my mind who will survive.

The war is raging in my life. I forgive and allow myself the extreme presentation of communications with others. I am extreme because I have to, like all people, over-do something I am learning. I am learning to listen to myself. I am sloppy in my execution of listening to this voice, regularly over-reacting, dramatizing and villainizing. If this new behavior is more integrated into my being, it will soften.

But I constantly remind myself of their consistent presentation and it can be really funny to see the criticisms I receive in the light of their behaviors. They have been extreme all along. They now feel fear as I rise from the ashes, transformed. As they should. If I manage to survive this, and the jury is still out, I will continue to be extremely inconvenient to everything they once took for granted. They fear and have a gnawing sense that I see them. I do.

BOO!

 

[Tanishq]

It is an incredible sensitivity and intuition.

This is truth. Yes, pamcoco agree with you. When most people go on blaming others, they always tend to choose person's sensitive part. Very brilliant of you.

They have been extreme all along. They now feel fear as I rise from the ashes, transformed. As they should.

They do fear, yes. :laugh: Because it is something they can't do.