The Attention My Toddler Gets Causes Panic Attacks.

[Jyar]

I posted last night in my trauma diary the experience I had yesterday at Walmart. Ayesha the Mod raised the question about shopping somewhere other then Walmart. Which, I generally do. I generally shop at the smaller markets and really try to avoid big box places like Walmart because of how crowded, rushed, and rude most everyone is. All this lead me to the question am I alone in this?

****So this thread makes sense, I had a severe panic attack after about 15 minutes and ended up in the garden section on an outdoor rocking chair just holding my daughter. I was there for one and a half hours for a total of 5 items.****

I have a precious 13 month old daughter, she is as cute as they come. I am not being biased because I'm her dad, I'm simply making an observation based on scientifically gathered data. That data, the number of people that constantly come up and try to touch her. It is not just your typical old lady or mom's with small children as well, to be honest the old lady's and some of the moms don't bother me at all I find it rather pleasant. No it's everyone. From store employee's to creepy guys that want to grab her little hands and feet and pinch her cheeks. Just typing this out is reliving yesterdays nightmare. There have been on more than a few occasions, when my daughter herself has become frightened from all the attention. It really feels like everywhere we go people want are drawn to her and feel the that they have the freedom to just touch and grab as they see fit. Now, I knew when my wife said she was pregnant that regardless to the gender, I was going to be an overprotective dad. However, I would have never imagined how protective I was going to have to be before I became overprotective. Let alone that people trying to grab at my daughter was going to trigger panic attacks.

So am I alone in this? Are there others out there like myself that have panic or anxiety attacks triggered by people paying to close attention to your child(ren)? And what of other places like malls? Do others find these places as horrifying as I do. Even while being alone? Is this normal, to have reactions like this? Or is it my inner darkness freezing through to the surface?

I told the Mod Ayesha that I would post this right away... Just reliving how I felt yesterday it took me from 6:56 to 8:22 just to get this posted.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Jayr -

I think the natural (instinctual) reaction to unwarrented attention is to feel at least somewhat violated, and beyond a certain level, unwarrented attention can easily become overwhelming and thus contribute to having a panic attack.

Do you think the attention your daughter is receiving from strangers is healthy for her?

How do you feel when a stranger approaches? Is there a kind of uneasy feeling and a tiny voice inside that's saying "Gee, I wish they'd just move on" or is there a sense that you wish they wouldn't do what they are doing (pinching cheeks, etc)? If so, then I wonder if you're supressing your natural instict to protect yourself and your dauhter from "intrusion" which would just add more stress on top of having so many people pay your daughter attention. Could there be a boundry that you need to exercise to alleviate other people encrouching on your and your child's space and anonymity?

Stick to places and people you know are safe (that are not too over stimulating and people that don't want something from yor daughter) at least until your daughter has begun to develop a self so she doesn't become an object.

You sound like a caring and protective dad - not "over protective"

Drew ~

 

[Venusian]

Hi Jyar,

I can rellate to what you are going through. When I began to have children I had panic attacks because I knew what could happen. I had a traumatic event when I was 5 but I blocked it from my memory I only had emotional responses and to me it seemed irrational. My ex-husband also had a traumatic thing happen when he was 5 and when our children became that age he had panic attacks as well. He was talking to a therapist and she told him that he was having anniversary events. It has nothing to do with a calendar date, it has to do with life events and in his case it was the age of our children.

I had a good role models in my life, my sister in law and very good neighbours in a small community. I read a lot about parenting and I did my best. It is good to be vigilant, it is good to be protective but you have to know where and when to start trusting your children. A child can sense when thier parent is anxoius and can become anxious too. As hard as it seems, you can be a good parent. It is good to know what you are feeling and and it is alright to be feeling that way. By gathering as much knowledge as you can you can make different informed decisions.

Nobody has the right to touch your children without your consent. If you feel uncomfortable when someone tries do not feel that you are being overprotective, just protective. You are being a good father. I think the social anxiety is something you have to work on with your therapist but having a child thrown into the mix just adds another dimension. I had to avoid crowds for a long time and I there are times that are worse than others.

Learning good grounding techniques before you have to use them is a good idea. Learn as many as you can and practise them so that they become second nature. When you need to use them then you don't have to search your memory they will just be there. Also, don't learn just one, like everything else to do with PTSD, what works may not always work everytime. What works for me may not work for you. There are a lot of threads on here that good through grounding techniques and there are also many threads about anniversary events.

I hope that this helps. You are not alone with what you are feeling.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree. Nobody has a right to touch your kids! You're not being OVER protective, you're being protective, PERIOD, as you should be!

I would NEVER think of touching a child I didn't know. Heck, I wouldn't even ask because its just weird!

As a young child, she's unable to discern good touch from bad touch, so it's your job to do that. You don't know these people so you're well within your rights to want no touch at all. If she were a little bit older, you'd be telling her to not touch strangers, hug them, etc. why should it be any different for a toddler or baby?

 

[Jyar]

Thank you all for your support and questions. I will respond later today to every before and after this post. Right now I'm having an anxiety attack because the court in Macomb County, Michigan is messing with my family's livelihood.

 

[Candleflames]

It really feels like everywhere we go people want are drawn to her and feel the that they have the freedom to just touch and grab as they see fit.

My first thought at this was: OH HELL NO! People used to try to touch and canoodle my kids when they were little. I would have panic attacks after the rage subsided. No one has the right to touch another, child or adult, without permission. Not me, not my prego belly and certainly not my child. I smacked a couple of hands away. Eventually I got really good at seeing hands start to move in the directio of one of my kids. I found a quick "I'll break your f***ing face" to be a great deterrent.

That doesn't just go for strangers. That goes to extended family as well. I don't care how close you think you are to me or my mom or dad or sister, my kid doesn't know you and s/he is the one who determines who can get within their personal space. If that ain't you then back off. My mother's boyfriend had a real problem with that. Started calling me a bad mom and my kid a brat cause at two years old he wouldn't hug or sit in the boyfriends lap. That almost came to blows as well.

You're definitely not overprotective. The feeling of wanting people to back off and not touch your daughter isn't even a ptsd thing. It's just a parent thing. The panic attack is admittedly a hindrance to getting through what you need to do. How do you react to these people? Are you emotionally to a place where you can speak up? I found that the more I vocalized the inappropriateness of their action the better I felt. I don't necessarily recommend hitting or threatening like I did. But maybe you can come up with some firm but polite ways to tell people they are out of line. If you are already doing that maybe some practicing with your wife so she can tell you how confident and stern you sound.

If she were a little bit older, you'd be telling her to not touch strangers, hug them, etc. why should it be any different for a toddler or baby?

your daughter has begun to develop a self so she doesn't become an object.

These were what I was thinking when you said sometimes the attention scares your daughter. She doesn't yet know that they are wrong. Instead these people are giving her the message that she should ignore her feelings and comply. That is wrong. We want our children to learn that they are the masters of their bodies. That they decide what happens to them. Think down the line to when she's 16. You want her to know that no is a completely acceptable answer. Now is the time to lay down that ground work.

And yes big stores, crowds and obnoxious people cause panic attacks for me. I'll way over react to even the smallest slight. So I avoid them. It helps to rationalize that I'm helping the small business economy by shopping at my local mom n pop shops, even though I'm paying more.

Sorry I got on my soapbox there. This topic seriously brings out the psycho mama bear in me. I'm kinda surprised I haven't gotten arrested, yet.

 

[Jyar]

How do you feel when a stranger approaches? Is there a kind of uneasy feeling and a tiny voice inside that's saying "Gee, I wish they'd just move on" or is there a sense that you wish they wouldn't do what they are doing (pinching cheeks, etc)?

DMerish,

I understand what you mean by sticking to places that I feel both familiar and safe at. To your question on "How I feel when a stranger approaches?" It is why I believe that I am over protective. The darkness inside me, it sizes up the inbound person for weak points, strengths, near by solid objects aside from the concrete slab, develop a strategy, and prepare to execute said strategy should overreach for my daughter. What bothers me, is that I am not the most approachable person visually. I have friends (those that actually took time to get to know me) that will admit at first they stayed clear of me simply because of how I carry myself and how I generally look.

Do you think the attention your daughter is receiving from strangers is healthy for her?

To an extent I believe that a limited amount is fine. It will help her develop her social skills, thats also what I believe KinderCare is for.

 

[Jyar]

I hope that this helps. You are not alone with what you are feeling.

Thank you Venusian. It does help to know that others feel similar to what I feel. Not that any of us should ever have to go through this f'ing hell. I will read up on anniversary dates and discuss it this Thursday when I see my therapist.

 

[Jyar]

I would NEVER think of touching a child I didn't know. Heck, I wouldn't even ask because its just weird!

I understand I would feel just as awkward, which is why I get so stressed out that people in general don't have the common decency not to intrude on my child's space. Especially while I'm standing there. I am going to change my profile pic. I am not a small person. Which is where I get panicky and freak out.

 

[Candleflames]

What bothers me, is that I am not the most approachable person visually. I have friends (those that actually took time to get to know me) that will admit at first they stayed clear of me simply because of how I carry myself and how I generally look.

I always found that very bizarre too. My friends sometimes remind me that I can look very intimidating. And one parent at my kids elementary school went so far as to say some of the other parents were afraid of me! I think something about having a little one in tow makes us infinitely more approachable. Like their adorableness has rubbed off. So weird.

 

[Jyar]

Sorry I got on my soapbox there. This topic seriously brings out the psycho mama bear in me. I'm kinda surprised I haven't gotten arrested, yet.

No need to say you're sorry Candleflames. I understand exactly what you mean. I believe all the attention that my daughter gets isn't the trigger. I think it is actually the darkness inside me, my past traumas, my past in general that size people up and prepares to defend her that fling me into the panic episodes. I am afraid that one of these day I may stress out so badly that I am spun into dissociative episode and come back to in hand cuffs as you mentioned. I love my little girl, I know that I need to be here for her so I tell myself to escape to a quiet refuge. It depends where I am. I know where my safe spots are. Old employers, the Naval and Marine Corps bases in the area (for fleet and family services), my car, Home Depot, Lowe's, one of the local libraries, or if its way to much I especially prefer the comfort of my dad chair at home.

 

[Jyar]

I think something about having a little one in tow makes us infinitely more approachable.

This is what scares me most. I am 6'0ft & 260lbs with a shaved to the scalp haircut and quite frequently mistaken for a service member. Why would anyone think its ok if I was 5'6 and 135 soaking wet to approach a child with her father right there let alone a brick sh*thouse like myself . I guess I will never understand the gull of most people. At least I am respectful enough not to act out and cause a seen or worse, the least people could do is leave my lil love alone and not scare her. Thats when I get very angry and anxious.