I Feel Like I'm Ruining My Relationship

[Moony]

I'm not sure how to start this so here goes..

I feel like I'm ruining my relationship. I've been in a happy relationship for about a year now but I feel like I'm ruining it with my behaviour. I just feel so unstable. I'm up,down and all over the place. At first it was my anxiety, but I feel like I have no right to 'inflict' my PTSD onto someone who doesn't deserve it. My gf has been so supportive throughout but I feel guilty about all my mood swings, the jumping when I'm touched, the nightmares. Why should she put up with me?

I'm worried that I'm pushing her away. I guess this post is a bit of a rant, but I was just wondering if anyone has any advice?

 

[KyGirl31]

Well I don't think I'll be much help as I do not have PTSD but I very much loved a man with combat PTSD and he just wore me out. For months I was this strong willed woman with him and I know he cared about me but with all his issues and being so guarded and his PTSD, I have quit. I never thought I'd do it but I'm tired of it really. It gets old and although I don't want to feel the way I do towards him, he has made me this way. I ask him to not bother me anymore but he still does so I have decided to ignore all future contact from him as nothing ever changes. I tell him what i need and he listens and tells me he cares and doesn't want me to move on. I feel as though he's broken me down mentally trying to figure him out and pushing me away.It's just not worth it anymore. I don't know what your going through on your end but hopefully some of the others can help you.

 

[Briggslee]

The bottom line is if she loves you enough, she will try to understand. A good enough woman will learn to live with your PTSD just as you have. She'll have to realize that her relationship with you will never be like any other relationship she's ever been in. All you can do is help her to understand what you're going through. Tell her that you love her often, and make sure she knows that you care about her.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Having been a supporter, love is love. PTSD makes it hard, but honestly, if you can make sure you communicate when you can, do it. She needs to understand it. She needs to understand your triggers, your issues. If she loves you, in my opinion, she will want to understand. If you are having a hard time, don't try to protect her from that. Even if you need to use code words, I know that works for some couples, it will help her to know you are stressed or anxious or down or hyperalert.

I have to explain that my sufferer's anger was always under control when I was with him, so I have no experience with that if you deal with that. From all that I went through and all that I have read, the hardest part of being with someone with PTSD to most women is the emotional distancing. It sends mixed messages to us, even when you logically know it is the PTSD. Even the strongest woman needs reassurance when PTSD is involved from what I can tell.

Accept that it is her right to choose to deal with the PTSD issues and trust her. Do not take that choice from her because you don't want to make her deal with it or that you want to protect her from it. I know that is a common reaction in PTSD. This may seem like over-simplifying it, but (as long as there is no violence and anger is under control) just make sure she knows she matters even if you have trouble feeling it sometimes.

That's just my two cents. I wish you the best!!

 

[kahlan]

Accept that it is her right to choose to deal with the PTSD issues and trust her. Do not take that choice from her because you don't want to make her deal with it or that you want to protect her from it.

Well said bewitched. Also encourage her to know more about your ptsd and what she can do to help whether it's something that calms you or signs to look out for when you are getting stressed.

If you've been together for a year (that's quite an accomplishment for most people :) ) then odds are she's definitely in your corner, so let her be. Just communicate and trust that she knows her limits as to what and how much she can handle :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The bottom line is if she loves you enough, she will try to understand. A good enough woman will learn to live with your PTSD just as you have.

I don't completely agree with that. There are many many other components to relationships Briggslee.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/it-takes-more-than-love.9032/

 

[Moony]

Thanks for your replies guys.

I was open about my PTSD from the start which I think was a big help. We sat down shortly after I posted this thread and had a bit heart to heart. I'm trying to communicate more, which I find hard because I don't want to upset my gf, but I think that it's the right thing to do. I guess I'd never considered that I was taking the choice away from her if I didn't talk about it.

My anger was one of the first things I managed to real in, because I would never forgive myself if I hurt my gf. Definately feel better after talking about it. :)