Nam, all I can say is, "was this counsellor a specialist in PTSD or trauma therapy?" From everything that I know, some parts of what you have said is correct, and some are leading you up the garden path.
What you said about not intentionally inflicting your memories to come back all at once, is correct, because quite honestly, your body may just not take everything at once. This is the issue with EMDR in serious trauma cases, and where an EMDR specialist won't use it, because the risks of far too much coming back at once can have permanent damaging effects on the brain.
I remember from your first post, where you said you where past it all, but as you are discovering, no your not. Your constant dreams, nightmares and sleep depravation is a constant key in all this, because if you where truly at one with your past and your trauma, then these sleep issues would not still be so prevalent now. They are the telltail sign that things still are not right with you.
I know exactly what your saying above, where it is hurting you to discuss the things you just did, but that is the aim. Strange isn't it? But unfortunately, the mind often needs to suffer some pain to help it and the body heal.
The facts of trauma counselling are, you cannot keep things buried, and by no means are somethings best buried than they are out. Please read this entire
transcribed recording on TIR Nam, if you haven't already, and read about how this one unique individual went against the realms of conventional treatment, to actually produce the results, and how it depicts his patients literally breaking down into a mess, to suddenly bring themselves up with nothing left burdening them. Whilst this is not TIR by this person, the sheer conclusive facts of getting trauma out through some controlled means far precedes the disadvantages of keeping it in, repressed or buried.
Let me just say, every single one of my traumas is out of me through persistance off allowing things to come back to me naturally. I have no more secrets buried, repressed or affecting me anymore, hence I am clearly on the other side of PTSD, with only the occassional small bout of a symptom here or there that may jump me occassionally, though easily controlled now.
Don't be proud or strong about trauma, allow it to come out, and don't try and repress it again. Instead, as it comes out, deal with it. Analyze it, think about it, write it down immediately, then read it and read it, and see if more memories and thoughts come out as part of reading it. One trauma at at time Nam, not mulitiple. Even though several may arise, take notes of others, but remain focused on one at a time. One trauma can contain several traumas within, which is part of the one main trauma, so that being the exception to the rule.
Sept 2, 2004 11:00pm
I was lying with hub on ottoman chair. Had memory of my hips being forced on something hard. it hurt my hip bones. No genital pain, no sight. Trapped. Afraid something will hurt.
Then the next one I totally had forgotten, but I have a feeling it is in continuation from the one I mentioned above, but I didn't make the conection until now. (I'm shaking a bit.....) Warning, don't read if this bothers you!!
Sept 24, 2004 morning
Palm on back of my head pushing down with all fingers and hand, in my hair. I couldn't see but my neck hurt from trying to turn my head to the left. I'm trying to breath, I'm crushed. Anal pain-invasion.
As an example Nam, lets use the above previous notes you took. You are now looking at them both, and you think there is a connection to the one event. So these are one trauma. Now... easy said, but very hard to deal with. You need to continue reading these, it is going to hurt you, and you MUST have support within easy reach of you if you fall over and shutdown. You may fall down crying, you may well be an absolute mess, but you will recover, you will deal with it, you will accept it happened and nothing you do now can change the past. What you can do though is get the hurt, the pain and the trauma out of you. You can get it out and off your shoulders, no more secrets, which in turn leaves you nothing more to have nightmares about.
Now don't me wrong, when you go into heavy trauma therapy, you will have nightmares, you will have a very hard time, but at the end of it all, life truly does get better, with nothing more to fear, nothing more to have nightmares, nothing more to suppress. You can then be honest with yourself about your past, what has happened too you, and that it isn't your fault. I don't believe you ever need to forgive someone who poses trauma upon you, quite the opposite, in that they should be punished by law for their crimes, especially when childhood abuse, rape and general crimes against humanity are committed. You don't have to forgive them, but you can accept that it has occured, is now part of your life, is all out of you and they can no longer hurt you from their actions.
Your starting to hurt already Nam, and if you want to start getting things out more privately, then use the private message system to me Nam, and I will push you start remembering each event, one at a time, the same that I have been through, the same that many others who are past PTSD as a disability, and now only have mild effects from past life issues, and can move onto a more healthy lifestyle, enjoy their family and embrace life as it should be.
