Does The Hurt Ever Go Away?

[annafennutchi]

I am open to your pushing I am being challenged to think and explore myself lately. I am scared about this whole deal. I am scared about what I am discovering, but I am here to be educated and challenged by people who know where I sm comming from.

 

[fin]

The facts of trauma counselling are, you cannot keep things buried, and by no means are somethings best buried than they are out. Please read this entire transcribed recording on TIR Nam, if you haven't already, and read about how this one unique individual went against the realms of conventional treatment, to actually produce the results, and how it depicts his patients literally breaking down into a mess, to suddenly bring themselves up with nothing left burdening them. Whilst this is not TIR by this person, the sheer conclusive facts of getting trauma out through some controlled means far precedes the disadvantages of keeping it in, repressed or buried.

Let me just say, every single one of my traumas is out of me through persistance off allowing things to come back to me naturally. I have no more secrets buried, repressed or affecting me anymore, hence I am clearly on the other side of PTSD, with only the occassional small bout of a symptom here or there that may jump me occassionally, though easily controlled now.

Don't be proud or strong about trauma, allow it to come out, and don't try and repress it again. Instead, as it comes out, deal with it. Analyze it, think about it, write it down immediately, then read it and read it, and see if more memories and thoughts come out as part of reading it. One trauma at at time Nam, not mulitiple. Even though several may arise, take notes of others, but remain focused on one at a time. One trauma can contain several traumas within, which is part of the one main trauma, so that being the exception to the rule.



You need to continue reading these, it is going to hurt you, and you MUST have support within easy reach of you if you fall over and shutdown. You may fall down crying, you may well be an absolute mess, but you will recover, you will deal with it, you will accept it happened and nothing you do now can change the past. What you can do though is get the hurt, the pain and the trauma out of you. You can get it out and off your shoulders, no more secrets, which in turn leaves you nothing more to have nightmares about.

Now don't me wrong, when you go into heavy trauma therapy, you will have nightmares, you will have a very hard time, but at the end of it all, life truly does get better, with nothing more to fear, nothing more to have nightmares, nothing more to suppress. You can then be honest with yourself about your past, what has happened too you, and that it isn't your fault. I don't believe you ever need to forgive someone who poses trauma upon you, quite the opposite, in that they should be punished by law for their crimes, especially when childhood abuse, rape and general crimes against humanity are committed. You don't have to forgive them, but you can accept that it has occured, is now part of your life, is all out of you and they can no longer hurt you from their actions.

I am wondering if I should be looking into TIR, an am wondering also it says here to do this with support that we Must do this with support, is the forum enough support for me to be able to do this. And that wasn't meant to sound rude, it is just I know I am full on and I am wondering if I am selfish in even thinking I should be looking at the forum as my only support.

At the moment I have been doing a lot of stuff for this alone. Completely alone apart from here.
And I know I may have been pushing myself too hard, well I have been told I have been by people here.

The thing is I am not sure what to start on first, because I have no worth system and feel that what I am doing so far is just falling onto sinking sand, as there is nothing inside me to support myself.

I have been trying to practise affirmations and trying to input to myself that I am worthwhile. I have tried to explain to my care co-ordinator that I need his help in the input bit, but he just says I'm fine and he sees no point. Today, after having been to the court to finalise my absolute for my divorce (which I have mentioned elsewhere) my Care co-ordinator told me well thats it over then and dropped me at my house, no well done no congratulations, which I was not expecting at all I might add. But I was expecting to be able to de-briefed after, just a little; as the person I had been married to has been part of my traumatic thing (shit words are going again).


I have to stop now because in a minute I wont be able to make any sense again without rambling, although if anyone thinks that rambling will help me I will carry on.

I want to say I read the TIR transcript above also.

I just don't really know what to do first, should I be inputting good stuff and if so how?
should I be trauma exposing like I have been by going back to site?

should I be doing this alone and is it too much to expect treatment? (years of waiting and being messed about has impacted on my trauma in itself)

can I relie on simply doing this myself and with the help of the forum or is this being selfish.
I felt very stupid today that I had expected my CC to be able to be there after to just talk for just a couple of minutes, nothing more really. He pulled up and had the radio on loud and didnt want to talk about what I had just done at all. And I am able to think that maybe he thought it was for the best not letting me talk about it a little, but in actual fact I just dont think he wanted to hear any of it. And even when I called him later and said again that I needed to talk and explained my reasons...well I could go on but I wont..

And where do I start to do this alone if I am to do it?

I have nothing to build from really, nothing.
And I can see why I have so many of the thought processes I have I just have no idea how to change them, or modify them.

And while he said to me the other day that it was my "wrong thinking" something else I have mentioned here, well while he said this, no one is willing to tell me how to change my "wrong thinking", where do I begin? I can't just change it ...just like that at the drop of a hat...if I could none of us would be here we would all be doing that.

So where do I start? and should I be trying to even, if I have no support except for the forum. Is it too much for me without external support?
because I think I can do this, I believe I am strong enough...I am just really floundering around.

Oh and unless I find out to the contrary and suddenly I start having trauma related therapy, I don't actually believe I should be waiting for the health service any longer. Please tell me if I am wrong.


I have tried to begin to do what batgirl suggested also, I have begun with trauma writing for sure. I am struggling with trying to put coping stuff and everything else in place to be able to keep doing that. And that is where I am coming unstuck...it is like I am trying to do so much and I don't know what to do and when or how.

I also think my diary is as confused as I am...I have some bits that I have written about trauma and some bits I "stream" write kind of, and some just inane rambling and some my daily struggle stuff. I am wondering if I should be doing these separtely and whether I need to start breaking my traumas down and doing seperate diarys for each...keeping them and filling in each as things come up with each thing...?


I feel that everyday I am not moving and trying and doing something is more of my life that my abusers have taken. And more of my life that I am letting them take.

Am sorry to be asking again, I really am...I don't really know how to ask or maybe if I am even asking the question right

I am sorry and I know I shoudn't be saying that either all the time but I am sorry so...

maybe I am missing something , maybe I have already been told if I have I am sorry again I am not trying to be rude...if I have

I know I have read a lot and I know I haven't read everything, at the moment I am confused and need guidance, I am sorry more guidance.

I really thought I was being ok in asking my CC today it is his job...but the thing is I felt really unreasonable after I had asked and he made it pretty clear he wasnt going to discuss anything with me. The problem is I don't know if I am or where I am coming from or what to ask or expect any more.


sorry again...~fin
please dont tell me off right now about apologizing at the moment I am not in a strong place to be able to stop....unless of course telling me off about it is beneficial then go for it....

please I am lost

 

[2notbedefeated]

I'm not sure who to address this to really, if it be you, Fin, or another. But when I read the following quote from Anthony and other things that you quoted above, my response goes beyond words with it at this time.

......I will help, I will support, I will also push you beyond what you may be comfortable with, and push you into areas that will upset you, but these are merely things that need to be done in order to help you heal. Trauma is no easy task to heal, and it usually requires a whole lot of unwanted shoving to push a person past their bounds of comfort, to exhail their trauma from them, so they can deal with it in the open, and no longer masking the poor job we all do attempting to deal with trauma alone, in secret, because that just doesn't work.

I just now "connected the dots" with what my therapist has been doing with me. Man, does he ever push me beyond my comfort. I see now after reading this that I have wrestled with him on these issues with me. I now see what he was doing. He definitely upset me many times.

I would "whine" and tell my therapist to please not put me in a place that I don't feel I am ready. I felt like he was expecting me to in a place more "advanced" than what I was ready for.

I am now seeing the reasons for his pushing and stretching. I wanted to settle down and wallow in my stuff, so to speak, but who does that help? Certainly not my husband and 2 children, they need a Mom. I don't know if I have what it takes to move intothat realm of healing and stretching.

That is a big OUCH for me. I would confront my therapist, who I now see was trying to help me through his stretching and pushing, asking him to stop placing high expectations on me and to please validate my feelings. I suppose we need balance with these two things. He told upon my last session with him that his therapist was hard on him, but that was what helped him to grow and change, and then to lead others to healing as well. He told me in my last session with him that he too was sexually abused from 3 to into his 20's before he realized he could get away from it. He understood PTSD and all that goes with it.

He told me he was hard on me because he wanted to see me "successful" in my recovery so I could then help others.

How do we know that balance between support, validation, and the encouragement to stretched that we might grow. Okay, now that is alot for me to chew on. Hmm, what have I been doing to contribute to my getting better with this Dissociative crap and PTSD?

I find myself faced, perhaps even placed by God, in a situation where I am now forced to take on more responsiblities and definitely being stretched beyond my comfort and what I feel I can actually handle and do. I am now 9 hours away from what was my comfort zone and have no longer have my therapist and fellow friends that would help me out. Ihave no one nearby to "run too".

Frankly, I am freaked and scared to be in this place. I have a choice to either "rise" to the occasion and fight these "giants" claiming victory and freedom over them, or I can curl up in my little corner (and boy I sure have done that enough times), shrink away from it all and watch my family slowly being effected, and probably negatively so, because I have stopped trying.

Do I want to grow? Am I ready to face that challenge? I'm highly anxious at the thought of what this will mean for me, my kids and my family. I do feel so out of sorts with this recent move. I feel unsupported right now, but I am thankful for this forum. I hope to encourage others and in so doing to learn more about myself and my strive for more healing an wholeness.

 

[Marlene]

......I will help, I will support, I will also push you beyond what you may be comfortable with, and push you into areas that will upset you, but these are merely things that need to be done in order to help you heal. Trauma is no easy task to heal, and it usually requires a whole lot of unwanted shoving to push a person past their bounds of comfort, to exhail their trauma from them, so they can deal with it in the open, and no longer masking the poor job we all do attempting to deal with trauma alone, in secret, because that just doesn't work.

I just now "connected the dots" with what my therapist has been doing with me. Man, does he ever push me beyond my comfort. I see now after reading this that I have wrestled with him on these issues with me. I now see what he was doing. He definitely upset me many times.

When I first connected those dots it helped me to realize that I was starting to heal and get better. Sometimes I've felt like I was wasting my therapist's time and others I would get angry with him for him pushing me too hard when I was in pain. Then, through the help of the people here on the forum and my therapist, I realized that it would have to get worse before it got better. A lot of times after my sessions I would feel physically beaten when I got home. And exhausted for days afterwards. But I did get my limits stretched and I have been healing for the past couple of years.

Someone once told me here on the forum that in order to heal the old wounds need to be opened up, cleaned out and healed slowly so they don't become infected again. Not a happy, cheery process by any means. But it does work. And the hurt begins to go away.

Lisa

 

[fin]

2not/Lez I think you are moving forward, I see such a difference in your writing at the moment and I believe that maybe reflects your present thinking. I think you have achieved so much in your move, take it easy and be kind to yourself, now is the time for working out a few coping strategies and having somethings in place for times when you may or may not need them.

I think you really do need to be proud of yourself 2not...really be proud of yourself, don't think about what you haven't done at the moment but think about what you have done. You are a remarkable person, be kind to yourself, you will find value in that kindness.


Marlene/Lisa I totally agree with what you have written above, and I have really found this forum amazing in what it brings to my healing and understanding. It isn't a happy cheery process but the days that we have that are good are just so amazingly good and I am hoping that each time I take a step forward, well while I know I can and do slip back, well crash actually, well even when that happens I am still further forward than I was. And the difference between doing it now and before....this forum. People that understand and that I understand...just like you said it does work, it soo does. Thankyou Marlene for everything you bring.


The stretching can hurt, will hurt, and that is what I think the forum is so good for also, it does very much enable the healing to take place and the work to become more "in us" - I hope that made sense. I believe the support here is what is important for the stretching thing to work. Supported stretching...yeah I should maybe stop writing now....


~fin

 

[vietnam2nd]

i have my sleepless nights and nightmares. those nightmares are not as often as they put me on medicine for nightmares. i believe the hurt will always be their. i also believe we can learn how to live with it so it don't destroy us. we are surviors and not victims. i no longer blame the goverment for my problem. i have some friends that is angry with the goverment and that is no good. i am glad that they give me a disablity for my ptsd. i believe that i should be 100 percent and not 50 percent so i am fighting the goverment for what they owe me but i am not angry i just want is coming to me for serving my country which cost me my disablity of ptsd.

 

[Mercy]

No. I don't believe the hurt ever goes away. We can do all the therapies, do all the stretching beyond our comfort zones, read many books, keep up with studies on genetic changes caused by early trauma and brain plasticity studies........I am still hurt and hurting. i know my history. I have grieved my many losses and the deaths of many other children.

I have been tortured by a man who has come up in many peoples' memories who do not know each other and whose therapists do not know each other. Their supervising therapists often, forensic psychologists, know each other. The only reason a torturer lets you live is because they want to do it again. And this man was called when there was 'cleaning up to do'.... Getting rid of children who were too badly damaged physically or emotionally to be returned with out giving the organization away.

My T and I worked out the smallest probable number of child traffiking events I was sold for by looking at where I was when, (mother in mental hospitals, father translating Russian for months at a time during cold war years 50's&60's). We figured that if I was available 1/2 the year and only sold 1/2 that time and had only one guest a night, I was used at least 90 times a year for more than 12 years. The lowest likely number is 1,080 'guests'/rapists.

I have never felt saftey. There is no safe retreat in my mind I can go to. I live with strong flashbacks that just jump me. It is as if I'm retraumatizing or torturing myself. I've done the survivor guilt work for all those many occasions when I lived and other children didn't. I've defused as many triggers as I can identify. ......and so I endure day by ceaseless day. Maybe, it looks better on the outside.

Sorry, I've been having a really tough time. :eek:

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks Marlene and Fin, for the encouragement! Things are hard very right now. I wish I could truly believe and live the things I write out here or share with others. I seem to have the intellectual head knowledge and understanding, but have a very hard time actually intergrating and living it.

I feel double minded. Sometimes I think things are finally starting to get better, but then a couple of minutes, hours, or days later things overwhelming, impossible, and it seems things are never going to get better.

It's confusing when this happens. One minute I think I might be strong enough to handle life, kids, and my own issues and then the next minute things go downhill fast. Kids are not as should be, making me think they will never change, and the man I love and married is in his own world, detached and appears unaware of all that is going on in our realtionship and family.

Well, I'm getting off the topic now.

Sometimes I can just can't seem to face those giants that prevent me from "entering into my promised land". I think I'll start a thread to encourage other to share the "giants" they need to face, who have and who are, or ones the desire or would like to face, and gain either gain support, gather insight, or share how they have overcome a giant in their life.

I feel very negative about things in my life right now. I'm in great distress over things going on in my life. In order not to spewing it all out here I will close. I may go to the venting room/

I hope my craziness and flip flopping, fickle toughts and feelings doesn't drive you away. There is so much to learn and try to comprehend and then to live it out. It's all so hard.

I guess on step is to choose to be kind to myself instead of beating up on myself. I will try to think of at least one more positive coping method to help me with all the stress, fears, confuson, etc I'm facing right now.

I thank you all for being here to listen, guide, provide understanding, as well as your insights and gained wisdom.

 

[Helen]

I have found it easier to talk about it without looking at the person I'm talking to. I have never cried when talking about it. But that may be because I'm still in the middle stages; I feel like everytime someone dies that it's my fault.

 

[Jade-]

Keeping trauma a secret is most of the issue that causes the daily symptoms. Get it out, and watch how much you get worse, too then suddenly get better with little to no more major symptom crashes.

So we have to get all the trauma out in order to start healing. I'm assuming that means every little detail too, every thing that we remember. And if I purposely leave parts out, don't tell the ending, etc. it's not going to really help me, is it?

 

[bluecat]

At the point you can read it and not add too it, is the point that entire trauma is out of you.

This is so true. I always feel like I've beaten it to death, what more could be there to talk about and then comes another way in which my past was traumatizing and there is yet more work to be done. There are so many ways to be hurt by just one event. There is anger, sadness, feelings or rejection and abandonment, shame, guilt, there are losses to mourn, there is fear of pain and death and there is a fear of living. All the emotions need to be remembered and validated and then integrated into the normal conscious memory.

I too feel like it never ends Nam, but objectively, my PTSD has gotten better over the years. I don't have uncontrolable physical breakdowns anymore and I learned healthier ways to responds to both, my PTSD and to memories of my past. Its not a walk at a park, but I am not desperate to the point of wanting to cease being alive.

Its sad how much time and energy past traumas take away from us now, when we are safe, but not dealing with it, we give up even more.

Best,
Bluecat

 

[bluecat]

I feel double minded. Sometimes I think things are finally starting to get better, but then a couple of minutes, hours, or days later things overwhelming, impossible, and it seems things are never going to get better....

....I feel very negative about things in my life right now. I'm in great distress over things going on in my life....

...I hope my craziness and flip flopping, fickle toughts and feelings doesn't drive you away.

Hi 2notbedefeated,

you sum it up so well. Double minded, thats exactly how I feel. I am constantly multitasking. I am interacting with the world, while the memories run in the back of my mind. Its a constant background, sometimes less intrusive, sometimes more, but its always there. It never leaves me alone. I wish it would just go away.

I am also feeling negative about my life, thank you for writting it out. I always feel pressured to appear happy, I also don't want to turn people off, but the truth is, I am pretty unhappy right now.

Good luck with your struggles,
Bluecat