Why Can't I Remember Most Of My Past?

[Nya]

I just joined this forum because I have nobody to talk to about this thing that is bothering me.

First of all I'm in my mid twenties now and ever since I was fourteen I remember getting flashbacks about things that may or may not have happened in my childhood but I never really got a full memory of that flashback.

Growing up my life was really hard, my dad was killed when I was two and I know that my mom got kicked out of my dad's mom house the very next day together with me and my little sister. I do remember that lady (my grandma) not wanting to do anything with us she lived just two houses away and I always thought of her as a complete stranger. I know that many other things happened while I was growing up but I cant fully remember any of them and if I do I'm not sure if it was real or not. I know I had to deal with the deaths of my uncle and nanny when I was very little so besides remembering seeing them in their coffins and a vague memories of spending time together the rest are just flashbacks.

I don't know what to do? I want to remember everything that happened to understand why I am like this now. I feel so isolated, lonely, stressed with social anxiety but Ive never even gone to a therapist even though I know I should. Sorry for posting this long thread but I needed to get this out of my chest.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi Nya,

Welcome to the forum, I'm sorry to hear about the things you've had to go through.
I think when you have PTSD it is rather normal when you don't remember clearly, sometimes the brain shuts out the most painful of memories, in order to protect itself. It will probably help you to see a therapist, even though it's scary. I don't know what ideas you have about theraphy, but I was also reluctant to go (six years ago) and it has helped.

but I cant fully remember any of them and if I do Im not sure if it was real or not.

I kow this feeling... in my case, I remember most of my past, but sometimes it just seems so weird that I have been afraid it was all a dream or didn't really happen. We tend to distance ourselves from the horrible things that happened in our past, for the same reason that the brain blocks out some memories. In my experience, as time moves on, you will be able to become closer to the memories, they will become more solid, so that you can work through it and eventually move on.

Don't apologize for your post! Nobody here minds.
Can I ask you to write in paragraphs, though (with spaces between the text?) it's easier on the eyes.

 

[twopenny]

I'm new here too, and my first post rivalled War and Peace. ;)

I'm very vague on a lot of things. There's a lot that's sort of mashed up together, and a lot that I just don'e remember at all (whether that's because it was just a long time ago, and the natural order of things, or something more, I don't know, as I'm currently waiting for therapy).

Then there's the stuff that I know happened, but I don't actually remember it. I mostly know because I kept a diary as a kid, and / or because I know the bare facts, but a lot of it is like a story book - it's as though it happened to somebody else. When I'm talking about it, I have no actual memory of much it, and certainly no feelings about it.

Example: my mother left when I was 16, and I have three different versions of what I think happened, but I can't remember it, so I'm not sure which actually did. I also have absolutely no memory of ever being upset about it - I'm not sure I've ever shed a tear for the loss of my mother (who's still alive, I should add).

 

[Screwed up and lost]

i was in a past relationship for 7 years. I don't remember things I said or did. It was very abusive for several of the years. Yelling physically threatening Now I am married after 2 years of being single and things come up I don't remember and my wife gets pissed that I lied or didn't tell her before but I honestly don't remember how do I save my marriage

 

[Gadgie]

I would take the time to sit down and have a talk, and try to explain your problem to your wife. Some say talk is cheap, but I believe that communication between partners is very important.

When I started having flash backs and nightmares, it was causing friction between my late wife and myself. It took me a long time to realise that I had to try and explain what was going in in my head.

The response I got amazed me, after all those arguments and bad feelings, all I had to do was take the time, to explain to her what I was going through. I'm really glad I did that now, as she has since passed away, but the time we had together was greatly improved, because she knew what my problem was, and understood that in no way was my frustration and mood swings were never focused on her.

Life is too short, don't let any problem get in the way of your happiness, good luck.

 

[Leah Morgan]

I know I too don't remember much from 19 and younger in tiny glimpses. I completely agree with previous post I think it's protective. wishing you all the best. If you think you should see a therapist you could try. Don't get me wrong I know how hard it's is to reach out and ask for help it's taken me years. But good luck with which ever you decide.