Disclosing Self-harm To A Loved One

[Jen93]

(((PL)))) Um... I'm thinking I should PM you instead, but ummm... I dunno. This is just coming from me, because I have been on the other side, the person being disclosed to... (I'm shaking writing this but I just have to...) You really need to think this through. Are you sure that your partner would be emotionally ready? I like the 'teaching moment' idea someone else brought up.

You know how when, you want to get something off your chest it might help to tell someone, but you might end up giving too much information, making the other feel uncomfortable and then it just gets awkward? I think the 'teaching moment' thing would help. Do what's best for you, but please don't just spring it all on them at one time (you've been doing a good job of that so far) Take your time, and don't feel that you have to do anything if you don't want to. This is your body bearing the scars, you should be in charge of how much/when to tell your partner.

 

[Tinyflame]

Jen, how does anyone know if anyone would want to know, or would want to 'not know' (not hear anything)?

 

[Jen93]

Jen, how does anyone know if anyone would want to know, or would want to 'not know' (not hear anything)?

I don't know. But just seeing people's body language as you're talking to them. They may step back, raise their eyebrows, etc. etc. then it's over sharing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh. :( Thanks. I would find that very difficult because disclosure already involves so much fear and expectation of a negative response I'd (personally) probably see that reaction whether it was there or not. Plus by then you've already said 'something' so that would feel pretty awful, albeit worse (for everyone then) to say more.

But I appreciate what you said, I think it explains a lot, and it's valid.

I think PL has had a different response to what she's said so far.

 

[Tinyflame]

I heard a good recommendation today, to not choose out of fear. Not that we won't feel fear of course, but not to choose to do something, or choose to not do something, with fear as the motivating factor or reason. Because then (we) can make some poor or not wise choices.

I think PL you are making really great progress. You are very brave in my eyes. :)

 

[piratelady]

Are you sure that your partner would be emotionally ready?

Thank you very much for your input Jen, I really appreciate it. I hear what you are saying about being sure they are emotionally ready. I have decided to hold off for a bit, assuming he doesn't see and question my scars again. There has been a lot of problems and drama in my life lately and he has been trying very hard to support me. I feel like with everything else, springing this on him now also would be too much. Again, thank you for your input, you make a very valid point. It is difficult to really know when someone is ready to hear that or isn't.

I heard a good recommendation today, to not choose out of fear.

I don't know why, but for some reason I'm struggling to grasp this concept. So like I should not choose to tell him just because I'm afraid of how he will react? Sorry, I feel dense, but I just can't quite follow.

 

[Abstract]

ecause I have been on the other side, the person being disclosed to...

Jenn, no pressure at all but if you are able would you share what happened? Thanks. Just want to see if it fits into my views about all this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear PL, you are never dense! It is a bit of a difficult concept when it comes to your situation described- all of ours, really- I think because we (for the most part) often harbour and deal with so much fear and shame.

As I would understand it, it would not refer to being afraid to tell him, I think we all mostly fear the reaction, or rejection, for the reasons mentioned above. Sort of the risk we take to speak or disclose. Rather, it would be the fear itself being the motivation to reveal something or conversely to hide it, at your potential detriment and against what you possibly would choose were it not for the fear. I guess in a way fear of a consequence or result that may never materialize, a fear-(only)-motivated-choice.

I'm not sure that makes sense. :confused:

I think you're making the right choices PL, and the right choices for you. :tup: :hug:

 

[Jen93]

Jenn, no pressure at all but if you are able would you share what happened? Thanks. Just want to see if it fits into my views about all this.

I have PTSD from many things, but the first thing I remembered is that I was shown a friend's SH scars when I was 12, asked not to tell anybody and then the next hour she attempted suicide and I got blamed for not telling anyone. The stress on the other person can be enormous. I remember thinking that they were cat scratches or that she needed bandaids. I wasn't worried that she did it to herself, I was just worried at the fact that she had gotten hurt. Basically, the maturity of the person and really knowing the person needs to be taken into consideration. For a friend to be told casually, well, it's just not really appropriate I feel. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG, I totally agree with you Jen. I am so sorry. :( And to never say something 'casually'. OMG. :(

I had a guy who asked me out do that in about the 2nd conversation (showed me his attempted suicide scars). I was only 16, I tried to avoid him but could not, he would come in at work, in retrospect it caused me a massive meltdown, as I had tried (twice) at 14 and no one knew.

At 12 that is entirely different. As I said, I am so very very sorry. :cry: . I was in a position of trying to stop someone's suicide at 6, it was traumatic (again in retrospect) in-and-of-itself. (((((Jen))))

I have to say, I only self-harmed 20+ years ago, and not cutting, so maybe I don't have a relevant opinion or help to give here. However, I understand the excrutiating pain that comes with disclosing or revealing stuff, or being rejected for revealing it, but also that it can be ok. I have never revealed anything to boyfriends. A good choice as they were not likely to have been kind or anything, I don't think.

(((((((((((PL)))))))) ((((((((((Jen)))))))))

 

[piratelady]

Rather, it would be the fear itself being the motivation to reveal something or conversely to hide it, at your potential detriment and against what you possibly would choose were it not for the fear.

This makes a lot of sense to me. It is hard to know what choice I would make if it weren't for the fear. I do have a lot of shame and I think that drives my fear of telling him. I wonder how anyone could love someone who cuts themselves.

My therapist tries to remind me that everything this guy has said and done points to the idea that he would be caring and accepting. Pointers and guesses are far from a guarantee. I don't know, it's a lot to think about.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug, you expressed that concept extremely well. I try to always take a second and do things without fear being the motivator. It is extremely difficult.

Piratelady,
My therapist used to always say that hiding is a way of pushing others away. That there is an aspect of sharing difficult things that is a gesture of intimacy and trust and is often received as such. I guess that is the fundamental problem for a lot of us. Intimacy and trust. And for good reason.

Weather he is able to accept it or not will depend on who he is as a person and really most of it won't be about you.