Disclosing Self-harm To A Loved One

[Abstract]

SH scars when I was 12,

I am so very sorry Jenn. I imagine any conversation about these things is probably at the least verging on being triggering for you. No little girl, child, should have to be in the situation of dealing with self harm or suicide. And for people to blame you is ignorant beyond belief. Horrific. I hope this doesn't stop you asking for help if you ever need it as telling a healthy adult and in a way that doesn't make them responsible for you is a totally different thing. I wish you had had someone to protect you and treat you as you should have been treated. Hugs if OK.

 

[Candleflames]

My therapist used to always say that hiding is a way of pushing others away. That there is an aspect of sharing difficult things that is a gesture of intimacy and trust and is often received as such.

I was just thinking about writing something like this and there it was beautifully put.

A lot of the beginning of any relationship is testing and revealing. We generally start out with innocuous thing like our favorite move or dessert. At some point though we have to decide how intimately connected to people we want to be. For those people we feel a special connection to want to further our intimate bond with we'll need to let them in on some of less savory aspects of ourselves. We don't do it for them. We do it because we want them to know all of us and still feel that closeness. I have my husband and a few friends that know more than I ever thought I'd be able to handle sharing. It was such a good thing because I found that they love me even more for sharing such vulnerabilities with them. I also have friend that haven't reacted well to the warm up conversations so I decided that our friendship doesn't need to go very far beyond what it already was. So I didn't let conversations go any further.

PL, It really is all about your comfort level. You get to choose when and how much you want to reveal. I'm glad our conversations have given you some things to think about and ideas on how to proceed. I hope you'll take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm not there with you so I can't possibly know the intricacies of your budding relationship. None of us can. We are all rooting for you! :tup:

I also wanted to point out that if you're not ready to talk about the scars when/if he sees them again, you can voice that. I've told people, who've seen and asked, that they are reminders of a difficult time in my life and that I'm not to a point that I can talk about it. No has ever asked later if I was ready now. Of course take that with a grain of salt as well.

Junebug, Good point to not start a conversation motivated by fear. That's one emotion that seriously muddles up the thinking. I'd also like to add guilt to that list. Sometimes we can feel like we're hiding something and then spill it all out. More muddled thinking and it all comes out wrong.

Jen, How horrible and totally not fair. You were a kid and not responsible for handling something of that enormity. Even if your friend hadn't tried to kill herself that secret was not something you should have been expected to deal with. The grown ups should have been the ones to take care of her and they failed, not you. They are extra crappy for trying to lay their blame at your feet.

 

[Maggiemay]

I had a very distressing therapy session about needing to disclose my self harm to my man. I thought the shame would be what would get me, but it was the overpowering rage and neex for destruction.

II've had a couple of blips, but most of my self harm was 9years ago. I only did it for just over a year, and totally destroyed my body :(

The thing that's keeping me going at the moment and giving me hope he won't reject me when he realises the extent of my self harm is that I have friends who have also self harmed who are now married and have children, so it must be possible :)

X

 

[Tinyflame]

Maggiemay, and PL too, or anyone, I don't think others necessarily view it as we do. We have the understanding of what it feels like to live through or with this stuff. But, they might have a compassion we find actually harder to give ourselves (or that doesn't even occur to us).

I have said very little but it was only for larger reasons, in an attempt to be honest. I ALWAYS thought anything or everything I revealed would be considered by another in a bad way.

Dear PL, I think your past interactions are a good and healthy indicator.

:hug: