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Manipulative Teen

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Phenioxrising,

He tells we need to know nothing about him when asking if he is o.k or if the girl is o.k. He also says over and over that rules are only if he gets arrested and otherwise stay out of his business. He balls up his fists a lot when threatening "consequences" and we ask what those "consequences" will be, then he says you are not going to like them with the veins popping out of his neck!

He kinda sounds like he's just selling you a con here. It sounds like he's bluffing and puffing himself up because he can see the effect it is having on you. He doesn't even have to have an actual consequence in mind because he's already so amused by how on edge he has you all...like stunned mullets.

Pumped blood veins or not, it sounds hokey. He may be serious, and if his father seriously beat women and that was just normal for him, then it may be more then veiled threats, but it might be dangerous to just write him off as well. He might even be on steroids and none of you know about it? That would explain the over active veins in his throat.

He may have a temper but how many people can actually produce a popping vein like that at will? Not many, not without some help. Steroids can make a person very aggressive, very mean and very scary to be around. He sounds like he is like that naturally, but if he were on steroids, it might account for the popping veins, that's all I'm saying. I might be wrong, who knows?

If he lied about the girlfriends mother getting involved in them moving in together, then he is probably lying about a whole bunch of stuff that you have no idea about. Believe me, we were all his age once, and getting away with a double life was practically the job description of any teenager his age...for the next 10 years pretty much.

He has you all under control using your own fear against you. They say we are all mini-tyrants deep down as well as possessing an ever developing desire to be free at the same time, and we all need to learn how to deal with our own inner control freak...but his is so well developed he should be writing books about 'How to be the best control freak possible and really get the most out of your powers of darkness mwaahahahahahaha!'

Personally I would take phoenixrisings advice...about plonking him in front of him, as well as counselling, though I think that might be more for your own health and to learn better skills of how to handle personalities like his, because it's not something most people need to learn about their own kids.

Hell, I'd have a go right now, after what I've read here. Maybe introduce some really scary looking adults you may know...or find some if you don't have any of that description, and if you can find ones who are taller than him, who stand over him in some way and who don't take his shit! This is me half-joking, but half-not sure if I am joking or not...but probably not.
 
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Beating women to a pulp? In and out of jail? Ok it's time for tough love and ultimatums.

He needs to know that since he's almost 18, he is almost an adult, and as such you will have no obligation to him. That means the gravy train can dry up. No food, no roof over his head, nothing.

Jail hasn't made him see the light, so I think you'll need to be super firm in whatever you do.

I have a feeling this girl who lives across the country has no idea who he is. Internet relationship? Does she know she's in for beatings? Maybe you should warn her! Oh, her mother, too because what mother wants her daughter with an abusive man?
 
Oh wow. I am glad you warned the girls mother!!! I wish my exes moms would have warned me! Sounds like you are doing all you can.

At what point do you say enough is enough?

No offense but that sounds scary. Obviously he is unstable.

I am not sure what to do, just let him leave home I suppose. You warned the girl. Shell see eventually and hopefully doesn't develop ptsd after.

I will be praying for you and your family.
 
Are you in the U.S.? If you are, and he does not follow your rules, you can have him placed in a group facility where there is round the clock staff and he will earn privlidges when he moves up to that level. You would have to charge him with encouragability. You may have to inquire at the nearest larger city and with juvenile services or child protective services. If he is a risk to others in the household-that is definately an option.

Often people twist words of what professionals say. Did your son say the counselor said he should not have limits and rules and chores? or did the counselor say this to you? It is a good idea to give young kids chores (they feel part of things as well as learn responsibility). As they get older and are in high school, they often have less time because of extra cirricular activities and are given more freedom, providing they are making good choices with this freedom. This is not about rules and such, this is about abuse. If he is almost 18, you have a very small window of time. I would have him placed in a group home where he can be observed by professionals 24/7. I am sorry to say, but on this path he will likely land in jail in no time if there is not some serious intervention
 
Dear lord, I pray for that naive girl. I know she's young, but at this point you can't stop the relationship.

Let him crash and burn?
 
I know she's young, but at this point you can't stop the relationship.
You can end a relationship at ANY point. The point is she probably won't because she's young and stupid and doesn't listen to her mother anyway (who ever listened to their parents when they were her age?) She'll find out the hard way, and hopefully get away.
 
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We do not feel the mother took our warning to heart, because she said "that I should just get over the fact that our son separated my ribs causing breathing problems for around 45 days". Even as a Christian that trauma happened a year ago, this was around the time the dating started secretly and I still have some problems with my ribs on the right side. That makes it hard for me personally to just "get over it".
 
Raj, I think you and your spouse were wise to refuse gestures that feed the ego of your step son. Once he becomes 18, unless he agreed to counseling, it is doubtful that some intervention can be made at this point because he is an adult though he has not yet graduated from school.

This happened to my best friend's eldest child. He went his own wayward way for over 7 years before he began to get a grip, hold down a job, or be a productive human being.

You were open and candid with the girl's mother. That is all you can do. The rest is the stuff that prayers are made of. All you and your wife can do is set the standard of behavior and model it in your home while he is there. I would though zero in on the dishonesty as it is not only a problem at home, but should he continue the pattern of deception, it will bite him in the ass everywhere he goes once he leaves your home.
 
He is o.k wit dishonesty. The other two kids other two cry about it, for one thing he steals money and objects to harass all of us.. Our hearts are broken and we have failed our children and society as parents.
 
I know it must be really hard to come to terms with, and I don't know what it is like to be a parent...but I really think blaming yourself fro "failing you children and society" isn't the answer. For one thing, you did NOT fail them, or us. Abusive personalities are a fact of life, and it is nobodies fault. The fact that one of your children is turning out to be a bad apple does not reflect on you as people, or parents...though society might say otherwise. You have no control over genetic abnormalities, or who your wife chose to have children with before you came into the picture. Please put the blame where it belongs...your son is responsable for his own choices and behavior...not you.
 
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