How To Show You Care When You Either Feel Nothing Or Feel Anxiety Only?

[falling]

I was diagnosed with PTSD 12 years ago and have recently found myself at the "bottom" again. My bf and I split up a few mths ago due to his unwillingness to take the next step in our relationship. He wasn't there to help and support me raise my daughter and the relationship failed. Since then he has realized what he lost and has begged for another chance. I agreed to go to couples therapy where I realized I was in part letting our relationship fall apart because I was being unemotional and feeling numb. I realized I am very depressed and have been on robot mode for quite some time. Its apparent that I am still struggling with PTSD.

I am scared cause I realize how little control over my emotional reactions. My bf has been nothing but supportive and totally helpful in all the areas he wasn't before. He now knows about my PTSD and is helping me through it. I am 2 weeks in to my rxn of effexor and am hoping it will help as it did 12 years ago. But during this time I'm having trouble dealing with the side effects and trying to show him love while I feel so....empty. He is not pushing to be physical or anything but I feel like I'm not giving him enough. I'm worried he will slowly lose his love for me if I don't "hurry" up and get a handle on my feelings. He has not done or said anything to make me think this. And when I bring it up to him he assures me that he's willing to wait and help me through it all but still I'm scared to rely on him only to have him leave. On the flip side I sometime feel so empty, so void of emotion, that I simply don't care about what happens to me or "us" or my future.

It's so hard to express my gratitude to him for helping and supporting me while I feel-nothing.

Anyone else have these problems?How do you deal?I find im either very distant, cold, empty or I'm super panicked....why?

 

[franciemarnie]

I don't know enough about your relationship to say what's going on there and your response to your bf, but - and this is only my experience which may have no bearing on yours - is it possible that you simply don't have the feelings you once might have had for bf because of his behavior? That can take a toll and eventually a person's feelings go from maybe love to nothing because of the real life experience of being with someone who doesn't respond for a long while in a way that nurtures our original affection.

I used to think there was something wrong with me in situations where bf was cold, etc. but by the time he came around, I'd feel nothing and it was unfortunately too late.

I would try to force it hoping to feel the way I once did but the feelings were just gone. Not because of anything related to PTSD, but because of the nature if the human heart.

Maybe all that is left is gratitude he saw the light, but no more love.

Maybe there is no bearing here but that is what came to my mind.

I'm sorry you are feeling so lousy whatever the reason.

 

[falling]

Thanks for sharing. I'm very confused about how I feel and I know I have lost a lot of love for him but I do want what we once had back. I know I still love him in a way but I'm having a hard time showing it and expressing myself. I know I want a future with him but I just can't seem to open up to him again. To be fair I'm having a hard time talking to others in general right now. I am super paranoid and feel such anxiety that I don't want to be around people. All this is making it very hard for me to figure out if I have the ability left to fall in love with him again as I was before.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Just an observation, your trust has been broken by his leaving you, even if some of that came back when you did, in essence patching over the hole, that hole still exists. Trust is a huge issue for many of us with PTSD, is it truly that you don't love him or that you don't or even can't trust him, even if you want to?

 

[falling]

My therapist said pretty much the same thing. And I don't know. I'm a very logical person but am totally out of touch with how I feel as I avoid any and all feelings. I do still love him, that I know. But I'm afraid that if we do move on together again it will fail again and I will once again be forced to go numb. I think it was the break up that triggered my PTSD. The break up hurt so bad that I couldn't deal with the intense feelings so I did what I know works to stop the hurt-I went cold. I turned off my feelings. But I didn't chose to do it it just happened without my control. Which is where the frustration lies.

 

[Abstract]

Just another take on this: I sometimes care a lot about people but have phases where I can't feel anything. Emotional numbing is a possible symptom with PTSD.

As I have gone along I think I have a little more clarity about what sets it off for me and what helps. Trust is the big one and that doesn't have to be about anything anyone else has done. Much worse if someone has done something of course. Symptoms are another. It gets very bad after I have had more intrusive stuff.

On the trust subject: what I cognitively feel is OK and trustworthy and what my PTSD thinks is OK and trustworthy seems to be two different things. It makes total sense to me that you cannot yet just move on and let your feelings come out. Especially since it seems him leaving you and not being there for you was possibly the trigger for your symptoms to come out.

The things I find that help are: attempting to express how I feel and find how I feel. Sometimes that starts dissolving the freeze. Finding other ways to look at it and express connection. Cognitively I still care and I can hold onto that (even though it sometimes means everything in me just wants to get away from the other person - like an anti magnet) and I try to balance looking after myself and doing things that express support. It is a balancing act as when I feel like that any gesture costs me dearly and knocking my stability too much isn't in anyone's interests.

I feel like I am constantly juggling hot potatoes and it is exhausting.

It sounds like you may still have a lot of unexpressed feelings going on here for you.

I'm a very logical person but am totally out of touch with how I feel as I avoid any and all feelings

Then we get to this. I am not sure how long ago your trauma is and how you were before. If you were ever well connected to your emotions or always used logic to function. If it is a long term habit then there is so much you can do and you probably have a whole journey ahead of you with this.

Not sure if you have seen this before: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/core_mindfulness.html

 

[falling]

So much of what you said describes me and my internal conflict. My trauma was 12 years ago. Before the trauma I was such a different person. I can't even describe it here as it makes me sad. Sad that I'm not like that now. Sad that I feel like I'm so very far from who I should have been.

I am a very logical thinker but I am super sensitive-or I use to be. Now, I have no idea about how I feel most of the time because I don't feel anything. When I do feel something it's anxiety.

I read the link you gave. It totally makes sense to me. I believe I need to allow the pain to come in order to get to more of a 'wise mind' but I simply have no control over it. Logically thinking I would be willing to feel the pain to get through this and start to feel again but it's like my mind won't let me do it. I will try to do the things you do. I just wish I had more control over my emotions and I wish I could tell myself to react differently in times of emotional hurt. It's like there is a piece of me trying to protect myself from feeling such pain but I don't want that automatic protection anymore.

I feel like I made a deal with the devil-during my trauma(and flashbacks) I said if you just take away this hurt I will allow you to control my emotions forever. And now he does and I can't stop him.

Abstract-I want to thank you for your post. It actually gave me concrete ideas of things I can try to do to hang on to my feelings. Just a personal question for you if I may-How are you doing with your PTSD? Are the things you do to keep intune with your feelings working?I know you said your always trying to balance and it's like a juggling act but is it working?Also, are you taking meds too? No worries about answering if these are too personal. I'm not trying to be nosy I just am desperate to find a way to beat this.

 

[Abstract]

I said if you just take away this hurt I will allow you to control my emotions forever.

That is well expressed.

Maybe it is more a case of doing so until he feels you are able to take care of yourself well enough. Just a thought. Essentially I think emotional numbing is a type of dissociation and D is a primitive and instinctive coping mechanism that protects us from overwhelm.

One thing said to me that I find helpful is to take dissociation as an indication that you don't feel safe in some way. Then we can use that information to help to look after ourselves. The annoying part for me is when I know it is just because of PTSD and everything sets it off.

-How are you doing with your PTSD?

Its OK to ask Falling. I certainly am no example to others. I would say it is a mixture of very good and very stuck.

On the one hand I have moved on so much with certain things and it has made the world of difference to how I feel. Some of that is to do with long term personality issues, coping methods, avoiding bad means of coping, identity, emotions and managing them healthily, acceptance, assertiveness and boundaries etc. Radical Acceptance has made all the difference to my self hatred even though it is still a huge problem for me.

Essentially I am able to manage relationships with others much better as well as cope with intense emotions, such as those that come with flashbacks, much better. I have found ways to manage a lot of my symptoms better. It really has helped me on a day to day level a lot.

On the really stuck and bad side: My trust issues are severe and to the point where I have not been able to get back into therapy recently. My isolation issues are bad. I have a lot of toxic shame. And I am continually dancing between denial of having PTSD and trauma or not in the most insane way. Insomnia bad but slightly improved. I am avoiding dealing with my trauma even though part of me wants and knows I will. Very frustrating and I hate myself for it. I need to get back into therapy to continue my healing.

Are the things you do to keep intune with your feelings working?I

Put it this way. They have made things much, much better than before. On the emotional numbing front: I deal with it better and can sometimes lesson it and get out of it. Thats not so easy to just stop I am afraid. On the general managing of emotions and balancing logic and emotion - I am enormously better and it has meant a big reduction in my depressive symptoms and has been a big factor in me getting better from my eating disorder.

I am on SSRI's but nothing else. A lot of things seemed to backfire for me.

Let me know if I missed the point and didn't answer what you wanted.

 

[falling]

Thank you for being so open. I know it's not easy. I hope you can your way through the frustration and go back into therapy. Maybe you'll trust the T and maybe you won't but it's a step in the right direction?! I wish I could tell you something that would help-I wish I had similar answers for myself.

I have another apt with my T on Wednesday and I HATE going. I hate pushing myself into such an uncomfortable place. I very much dislike talking about myself but i find it easier to do so with someone I don't really know. Last time I saw her we talked about the physical and emotional abuse I went through as a child and it may have contributed to why I push all emotions away and why I am very out of touch with myself. She gave me a home assignment-to watch a sad emotional movie. I avoid those and am surprisingly afraid to watch it.---crazy I know.

 

[Abstract]

Not crazy at all! Very understandable. I think we all develop ways of dealing with very painful things. Ways that helped us survive then but later cause trouble for us when we have other possibilities.

It took a lot of work but it is now a habit to constantly check in and see how I feel and look for emotion. It has made such a difference in my life. I try to constantly stop myself from blocking.

I HATE talking about myself as well and find T very difficult. I have been practicing talking for a few years now and it has become so much easier. I am hoping that when I get back into t I will find it easier there too. Its hard to imagine but I am still hopeful.

I think when we avoid feeling it is a bit like feeling we are holding a tidal wave back. There is the feeling that letting a drop through will mean the wall will come down and everything will be engulfed. It is that fear of emotion. I find mindfulness extremely helpful for this and Radical Acceptance. It takes a lot of practice but it works.

Good luck for your appointment and thanks for the good wishes.

 

[Philippa]

Gosh, such a great analogy Abstract. It is just like that too. Do you find that when you are able to detect an emotion, that it is more like a thought "anxious" or "rage"? I just know that the flavor of HOW I feel is so different to how I used to before I was traumatized. When I first got in touch with my emotions and recognized them as valid, it was a revelation, and I loved feeling them, honoring them. After the incidences that caused me to be diagnosed with CPTSD, any feelings I did have were 'thought', in that, they seemed to be at a distance and not really feeling them, but more thinking "rage" or "pain" inside myself. Not sure if that makes any sense?