Is A 12 Year Old Capable Of Committing Rape

[71nothing]

This is one of the things I struggle so much with. It hinders me from defining what happened to me.

My abuser was a 12 year old foster child living in my home. I was about the same age as he was. Almost every day for about two years he would force me to have intercourse with him. I was a silent victim and he made threats about what would happen if I told anyone.

As an adult and a professional in a field that serves children I have such a hard time accepting that a 12 year old is capable of committing rape. I find myself dismissing my own feelings about it and being more concerned with how he was feeling. I tell myself "he must've been abused himself," "that's why he was in foster care," "maybe he didn't know it was wrong." My list of excuses goes on and on and I continue to blame myself.

My T referred to it as rape in our last session. Each time she said it I could feel myself tense and become slightly more dissociated. Finally I posed the question "Do you believe a 12 year old is capable of rape?" The question was put back on me for my perspective on it. Ever since that session last week I continue to think about it. It's hard to rid myself of guilt associated with this when I am still blaming myself and making up excuses for him.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think that if we try to understand our abusers actions we wont leave any room for ourselves and our own healing.

I do that too sometimes but I don't see it has helpful in the long run. There could be a hold lists of 'reasons' or explanations and we will probably never know them all or understand them. I really do think it's an endless circle to get yourself into.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hm. I see where you're coming from and have my own experience with this.

My brother sexually abused me from the time I was approximately 4-6 years old. I don't remember all of it, so that's an estimate. He is six years my senior, so he was a child too.

Before I knew the rest of what I am about to share, my stance was always this: I could forgive the child if the adult he was when I disclosed (I was fourteen, he twenty) took responsibility for his actions and the extraordinary suffering they brought my life.

Spoiler alert: he never did, though he did confess.

I learned later, perhaps when I was seventeen or so, that our foster brother (14 years my senior) had sexually abused my brother. I was two when said foster brother came to our family, so my brother had to have been at least eight, the foster brother 16 (very capable of right and wrong no matter how shitty his life was).

I feel sympathy that my brother was abused like this. I do. For the child who was hurt. And I understand that, still a child, my abuse was part of him acting out and emulating his own abuse.

However, put into the context of my adult brother, I don't care very much at all. He tried to hide behind his own abuse as an absolute excuse for taking any responsibility for the suffering I endured. No. That's not okay. And regardless of how old he was or what his experiences were, he still abused me, and that is my life and is very real, both to me and to the child self he hurt.

I understand you may not have the luxury (hah... Never thought I'd say that) of assessing the adult version of your abuser. But mine was a piece of shit about the whole thing. So was my whole family. I cannot forgive adults treating an adolescent, young teen, teen, and now young adult with this flippancy.

So yes. I think it was rape. However, I feel that it is compassionate to be able to forgive the child, but not necessarily the living abuser. Because my abuser still refused any culpability or acknowledgement of the suffering he caused me, I will not forgive his person, and regardless of his age or experiences, what happened still happened. That is the point of the matter to me.

It is the unshakable truth of my reality.


Edit: he is now 29 and still an abusive piece of shit.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I, also, was raped by my brother when I was 5 until I was 12 and he was 9 to 16. I believe he was sexually abused by my father also. That does not relieve him of guilt, nor does the fact that he had schizo-affective disorder. He did ask for my forgiveness later in life, and I forgave him. I didn't remember the rapes until much later.

 

[NovemberStar]

Yes. He was old enough to know right from wrong - that's why he threatened you to not tell. If he didn't know it was wrong he wouldn't have needed to threaten you and it wouldn't have been a 'secret'.


The why doesn't matter in terms of if he was abused or not.

IF he was abused himself that in NO WAY takes away from your pain and your trauma. It's still rape - he had intercourse with you against your will (threats are still violence and coercion) and you were still traumatised by it.

There are some young children who are capable and do, do unspeakable things. We tend to view children as innocent - but some are definitely not. He WAS capable of committing rape, because he did.

 

[Kintsugi]

@NovemberStar really nailed it. He was capable because it did happen.

 

[wicked child]

My abuser was a 12 year old foster child living in my home.

What I find fascinating is the fact that puberty seems to be a "green light" for this sort of behaviour, but only if there is prior experience of there own abuse.

You tell us that s/he was 12 years old when s/he offended. Mary Bell was 12 when she strangled 2 little boys in the UK.
Jamie Bulger was 2, when two 12 year olds molested and killed him.

What is going on in a kids head at 12 years old ?

I have always been interested in psychology, and this is what I think. All these kids were all abused while much younger themselves. They have learned that it is ok for big people to abuse little people. It must be so, as this is what their parents/uncles/aunts/older siblings did to them- and of course, parents are almost God like to children.

It make no difference in the abuse was sexual, pysical or emotional or a combication of the above- abuse they will, in their turn, not understanding that is is wrong.

Many children were touched by other children. That is normal behaviour while growing up, I've read.

Suddenly there are signs of being " grown up", ie puberty. So now, its time to do, what grown up do. [ childlike reasoning perhaps]. And now, their victims find it very difficult to forgive.

 

[WillyKat]

Similar story here. And thank you for posting this, because here was another area that I assumed I was all alone.

I was either 5 or 6 (all blurry) and he was about 8 years older, so about 13 or 14. Because of how he got me to trust him, how he lured me, and other things about the abuse, I'm pretty sure he learned from someone and maybe as a victiim himself. I suspect it was his father or maybe his older brothers. I also suspect it didn't end with me and for all I know is still going on.

Yes, this is a case of monsters creating monsters, passing the hurt along. The other posters are right, it doesn't change the reality of the pain he inflicted.

 

[WillyKat]

wicked child, I also believe that they learn from older abusers that this behavior is somehow acceptable.

Still, there has to be something else to the story. They learned that its acceptable, but that you still have to keep it all quiet, by force if necessary. So somewhere, they have to know that not everyone agrees that its OK. Otherwise, why the secrecy? Then with age, they have to at some point realize that its definitely not OK. But typically, that does not stop them.

It ain't easy is it. The victimizers are likely victims as well. And that little fact makes it hard for us to hold them fully accountable for their actions.

 

[Kintsugi]

It ain't easy is it. The victimizers are likely victims as well. And that little fact makes it hard for us to hold them fully accountable for their actions.

Except that I'd hold myself accountable for such behavior. Even at twelve. Just because I was abused doesn't make it okay for me to hurt others. The sympathy can get in the way of our anger, I think, but should not, in my opinion, get in the way of putting the blame where it belongs.

I do think I can be angry at and blame both my brother and his abuser, though. They both use similar language. "It doesn't matter now. We were kids."
*vomit*

 

[wicked child]

It is so difficult to see through this. Are children monsters? Do abused children become monsters after becomming adults? What if an abused child offends and then is horrified at it's affect, and never offends again? Is there any forgiveness for a child? Should we just throw him a rope ?

Mary Bell et all, continue to live under asumed names. No one will ever known of their past. So much for forgiveness, and understanding.

 

[arfie]

This question is on my plate, as well. 5 boys and 6 girls, all "educated" by a bi-sexual pedophile. I throw myself a big ol' time out flag when I approach it. I feel a huge need to keep myself rigidly clear on whether I am approaching the feelings, facts or politics of it. I begin spinning like a psychotic top when I chew all three in a single bite. "Dismissing" the whole stinking mess is typically all I am capable of by the time I collapse into a dizzy puddle. Entirely too much of my life has been eclipsed by the politics, so I will leave it to the supreme court to decide the difference between "acting out" and "rape" or whatever. For sure 12 year olds can and have made babies. Tragic in my political view...

in terms of my personal recovery, my amnesia made "just the facts" my first step. I had to learn how to simply recognize my own memories. My feelings were a major cause of the amnesia, so I had to learn how to set them aside and simply remember. No easy feat.

As I grow more comfortable exploring the feelings attached to the memories, I find that my feelings are quite variable. Feelings are not facts. They flow and change constantly.

Guess I am just rambling. My short answer to your question is, "I do not know."