Just Want Some Support

[Leah123]

Hi all,

I am just having a bad week. It's not the end of the world, sometimes it feels like it, but it's not. I'm not going to kill myself or anything drastic. I just feel so volatile that one minute I'm hysterically crying, one minute I'm furious, one minute I'm calm again and the next I'm apologizing for the first two.

I told my therapist something traumatic Thursday. Took me weeks to bring it up. I was so scared, I couldn't breathe and when I made myself, all that came out was sobbing. It was something very personal and disturbing, a relic of the past that haunts me again lately now that I'm in therapy. If therapy's going to help, I need her to truly understand and empathize with me about these intrusive thoughts, and it was a rocky session.

I tried to work through it yesterday, but she's going on vacation and due to an unforseeable schedule issue, she didn't have time. I've gotten very upset since then, am freaking out. I emailed her a bunch of reasons why, and that I was going to quit therapy. Then emailed her I was sorry and I was just too emotional right now. Then emailed her I was angry at her for bumbling my disclosure, for not helping me through it more. She did help some, did try, I'm having a very hard time judging, but it fell short.

I'm sure it'll pass, but sometimes.... I feel like I"ve fallen into a black pit and can't see my way out.

I've been having stress from work, home, and school. I need to feel better. I wonder if anyone will send me a virtual hug or something. I need to calm down. I need to think of reassuring things. :(

I don't really have anyone to talk to about such serious things except her, so I'm feeling very alone with it while she's on vacation. I'll be fine, I just don't feel like it.

 

[sbump]

:hug: Hang in there.

 

[sonickel77]

I've been there, it sucks, but I'm still here years later, and I'm sure you'll be too.
Wrap yourself up in your favourite blanket, have a cup of tea, seek support from a trusted ally. Go to bed with a hot water bottle and protect yourself from the world, for a while. At least these are things I have done, to survive bad times.

 

[EverOnly358]

{{{Hugs}}}

Lots of hugs, Leah. I'm so sorry! And, like, don't get me started on therapists, okay? ;)

It is incredibly hard once you find someone who can listen, and you open up and then that person isn't there for you when you need them. I've done some of the same things you did... flipping from one emotion to the next to the next (with assorted e-mails to match as well, LOL!)

It's okay. The thing is... everything changes. This will change, too. You'll feel differently soon, and soon enough, maybe even a little bit better.

I know all about that black pit. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. You'll climb back out when it's the right time. Right now, just take a breather, even if it's at the bottom of that pit, okay? I agree with Sonickel... do something, anything that might make you feel better. Don't think, just do it. Because you deserve to feel better. You deserve to have people listen to you and help you. You do!

Life isn't perfect, and sometimes things go wrong, but you're tough and you'll get through this, too.

D

 

[WillyKat]

{{{Bear hug}}} Been there. It *will* pass. Hugs help!

 

[Leah123]

Thank you all. Will try to reply later- do appreciate each and every one of you. My head's killing me, hoping things will settle.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm so sorry Leah! I'm right there with you and have been for the past few months. However, this weekend was especially bad in terms of nightmares! I know how it feels to have an increase in symptoms and feel alone. I've been seeing my therapist more frequently, but I'm having trouble feeling validated and getting through to the next session; like my feelings don't matter because I can't comfortably express them or feel safe in between! Would you like to have a personal chat sometime soon?

Surrounding you with support, hugs, and love! You can and will get through this, one moment at a time!

~Holly

 

[DMerish]

I'll be fine, I just don't feel like it.

Hey Leah (((sending three big hugs your way)))

I've been feeling pretty much as you described the last few days myself.

You've got a lot going on, but you'll get through this interruption and turn some of that wise wisdom you share with the rest of us here upon yourself! I've been listening/reading your posts a few months now so I know you'll do that when the time is right.

For now, just settle in a bit - breathe - relax if you can and know love surrounds you . . . everyone here posting to you is letting you know that. Breathe. And let it in.

(((more hugs)))

 

[franciemarnie]

((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

 

[Leah123]

Awwww, thank you all. I do appreciate it.

I was just thinking about how hard a time I'm having since I told my therapist about the worst after-effect of the trauma. Well... it made me think about having a baby. When I was pregnant, of course, lots of people told me the good stuff about becoming a mother, and a few mentioned the hard stuff, like not sleeping or whatever, but no one, even in my birthing classes, ever even remotely prepared me for how intense and unrelenting the pain of childbirth would be. I was in labor 24 hours and it HURT.

Talking about these intrusive thoughts was a little like that. Even though I tried to work myself up for it, and I even prepared for it.... I was not prepared for it. I kinda feel like my therapist wasn't either- but maybe I'm expecting too much. The pain is just part of childbirth, and while we have drugs to turn off our perception of that pain, she did not have an equivalent for my pain, and her going on vacation and having to blow me off at the last minute just compounded it. It's compounded too by the chaos at my house this weekend, the lack of sleep, and all the other issues... they all add up. I remember being so depressed and alienated and mentally unwell and unsupported when I talked about abuse when I was 17 that I got overwhelmed and dropped out of high school.

So, talking about it again, I feel very very bleak and afraid. I feel like there's this gaping emptiness threatening to swallow me up, and my emotions are so volatile. I am sure I will get better, feel better. Some things help. All your very kind and understanding posts help, seeing my daughter helps, working on other projects helps a little to distract me, and I met a new potential walking partner today: I made myself do it even though I felt lousy.

When I was 17... I could not hold it all together, but... even though I feel STUCK in these moments sometimes, I have to remember (!!!) it all worked out eventually and I have to hope this time everything will work out if I push through.