I've been here on and off for almost two years. When I first got here, I read and read and read. I learned more on this board through the experiences and information shared here than I did anywhere else. I was and have been so grateful for that.
To say my relationship was rocky is an understatement. Emotional and verbal abuse abounded and I wasn't always some silent victim either. I said mean things as well. I contributed. So much so that I realized that I needed to break away and get some help. I sought counseling and really made a lot of strides. During that time, I had completely cut off communication with my ex. It made healing a lot easier without the storm constantly raging.
Fast forward about 9-10 months and we reunited, vowing to take things slow. We did. However, I realized that I had changed. I wouldn't argue for hours on end. He still wanted to. I wouldn't curse back or insult back or take a snide tone or match his venom with my own. I had truly grown tired of fighting, but that was his means of communication.
The arguing, constant push and pull, name calling, cheating, put-downs, neglect, etc, etc, etc...I didn't want any part of it. And that's when I realized that, PTSD or not, that's just WHO HE WAS. Unless and until he decided to get some help for his issues and anger regarding PTSD and a host of other things, that's who he was going to be. Sure, he might have had flashes of compassion and care. He wasn't a monster. When we got along, we got along well. There were so many things we shared. But, the bottom line is I could not wait for someone to want to do better, especially when I had owned up to and was working on my issues as well. Progress isn't one sided in a relationship. So I decided to leave him and find someone who is more suited to living a healthy and productive lifestyle as a unit.
This is the second time I left him so it has been easier than the first. I recognize that no matter what, I cannot go back. I care about him and wish him well, but as for him being a constant in my life...there's more than just a "feeling" that makes a relationship. Genuine care and concern; a willingness to grow and learn; kindness and fidelity; more than just "I'm sorry" when mistakes and bad decisions occur but a serious commitment to behavioral change and so much more makes up the type of life-long relationship I want to be in.
I know so many of you are struggling in your relationships and this isn't meant to be a "you need to leave too' message. It's just a story of two damaged people and what happens when one decides to get help and the other refuses. I'm not sure I'll be back often to post because my experience now doesn't reflect an existence with PTSD. But, I want y'all to know that this board has helped me and I know others like me more than you'll ever know.
Thanks!
To say my relationship was rocky is an understatement. Emotional and verbal abuse abounded and I wasn't always some silent victim either. I said mean things as well. I contributed. So much so that I realized that I needed to break away and get some help. I sought counseling and really made a lot of strides. During that time, I had completely cut off communication with my ex. It made healing a lot easier without the storm constantly raging.
Fast forward about 9-10 months and we reunited, vowing to take things slow. We did. However, I realized that I had changed. I wouldn't argue for hours on end. He still wanted to. I wouldn't curse back or insult back or take a snide tone or match his venom with my own. I had truly grown tired of fighting, but that was his means of communication.
The arguing, constant push and pull, name calling, cheating, put-downs, neglect, etc, etc, etc...I didn't want any part of it. And that's when I realized that, PTSD or not, that's just WHO HE WAS. Unless and until he decided to get some help for his issues and anger regarding PTSD and a host of other things, that's who he was going to be. Sure, he might have had flashes of compassion and care. He wasn't a monster. When we got along, we got along well. There were so many things we shared. But, the bottom line is I could not wait for someone to want to do better, especially when I had owned up to and was working on my issues as well. Progress isn't one sided in a relationship. So I decided to leave him and find someone who is more suited to living a healthy and productive lifestyle as a unit.
This is the second time I left him so it has been easier than the first. I recognize that no matter what, I cannot go back. I care about him and wish him well, but as for him being a constant in my life...there's more than just a "feeling" that makes a relationship. Genuine care and concern; a willingness to grow and learn; kindness and fidelity; more than just "I'm sorry" when mistakes and bad decisions occur but a serious commitment to behavioral change and so much more makes up the type of life-long relationship I want to be in.
I know so many of you are struggling in your relationships and this isn't meant to be a "you need to leave too' message. It's just a story of two damaged people and what happens when one decides to get help and the other refuses. I'm not sure I'll be back often to post because my experience now doesn't reflect an existence with PTSD. But, I want y'all to know that this board has helped me and I know others like me more than you'll ever know.
Thanks!
