Relationship Requesting Advice From Supporters From A Fiancee With Ptsd

[rainydaze]

Thanks, Nicolette. This helps me realize that someone who has stayed with me through much turmoil and cares about me would want nothing more than for me to care for myself. I cannot push something up when I'm standing below it and I am beginning to understand this better.

 

[Nicolette]

someone who has stayed with me through much turmoil and cares about me would want nothing more than for me to care for myself.

Rainydaze, I have been a supporter for 6 and a half years. The two things I learned is that by my sufferer actively working on himself it made way for a more 'normal' life making me happier and that only he can improve his illness, not me. I will be there for him but will now stand my ground when I believe in my heart of hearts that he is using the label of his illness as a crutch or as an excuse to not be respectful towards me which, to me, includes participating in the relationship (and all that it entails) as much as possible.

 

[Tinyflame]

Rainydaze, perhaps I shouldn't post, as I am single and as a 'suppporter' not sure if my family member has ptsd or not (no diagnosis, but we share the same house).

As a 'sufferer' I get where you're coming from. I hear you saying you have worked very hard and are trying very hard. :tup:

I could say a lot as regards what I think is necessary in any relationship (with or without ptsd), love, respect, tenderness, honesty, forgiveness, commitment, communication, laugh together, share common goals and dreams, etc. But he sounds like he loves you very much, and that he has tried to give you the means and the environment to get yourself well.

I would try to lighten his energy demands, can you push yourself? I would let him know in whatever ways are unique to you that you love and appreciate all he has done, what he is doing, how he is. Can you save money for example by cooking? (Versus eating out, processed food, etc?) Can you work in the house or do work outside, if you are not working now? Even one job helps.

I would continue to be yourself, that's who he fell in love with and is in love with.

Just as it likely makes him happy to see you happy, the same will be said for you. What makes him happy?

He can choose to stay home, but you can choose to tell him you would like him to go on his own, and perhaps the other 50% of the time push out of your comfort zone. (Just a hypothetical example).

Never blame him for what you need to take care of. But I wouldn't blame yourself, either. Just create/ adopt a new or creative way of getting to the same end on the days that are better. Pace yourself, plan ahead if possible. Realize he is going to burn out this way, so a priority has to be to get him rest, r'n'r, reduce worry.

He will feel good if he feels you are doing well, I would imagine.

Just a shot in the dark, and why I came back here. You mentioned feelings/romance/intimacy feel difficult. Could you be 'hoping' he stays so busy that he won't have the time or energy to be intimate? Or something else? Just saying because fear and avoidance are big motivators, I know some times I don't even realize how much I'm avoiding. (Just disregard if it doesn't apply).

Perhaps ask him the question you posted here?

:hug:

 

[radicalgratitude]

Perhaps ask him the question you posted here?

I love this advice. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I respect your right to judge my response however you wish and to judge me also. I want you to know it is not helpful to me to feel judged and labeled in the manner of your previous post. I want you to know that I feel your post was not in the spirit of the forum policies. I don't think your post was polite or indicitave of good will. I allowed myself to be hurt by the way you spoke about me and I wanted to share this information with you.

I never have been and never will be the member who coddles someone. I may throw out some hard hits, but at the same time, they have a purpose. It's not like I said "you are a horrible person and deserve to die" (which would be a personal attack). I didn't attack you or judge you. I simply said it is odd to plan ahead for agoraphobia. I was terrified to leave my apartment at one point but I didn't have the luxury of staying inside with a years salary in the bank and a boyfriend to do everything for me. I believe that this is maladaptive coping. If I didn't force myself to leave my apartment, I would have died, simply put (1,000 miles away from family and friends, I had to force myself to go outside for my own survival.) Some days were pure hell, but I did it anyway because I didn't have a choice.

If you only want the coddling responses, please say so in your initial post as it helps weed out the riff-raff. Alternatively, there is a block function...

I wish you the best.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I just thought of something that might be helpful for you, given what you have described of your situation. Do you have structure in your life? Like a daily routine? This can work wonders, especially for your inner child who needs structure and routine to feel safe. Also work gives us a sense of accomplishment. Could you:

• Wake up at __am every day
• shower
• eat breakfast
• meditate at ___
• clean whatever needs to be done from ___ to ___
• Exercise at ______
• Eat lunch at _____
• Therapy appointment at ____
• Homework for therapy at _____
• etc.

It would be very hard, but I think it will be helpful for you and for him. It might even speed up your healing process.

 

[rainydaze]

I'm glad we can leave this wishing each other well.

If you only want the coddling responses, please say so in your initial post

@ Solara, I don't need coddling. What I was hurt by was that you assumed I somehow planned to off and become an agoraphobic. I didn't appreciate that you also stated this assumption as fact rather than opinion.

I, too, find it a bit odd that you "planned" your agoraphobia.

Mental illness and symptoms are not something one can plan for. Stating that I did the impossible--('"planned" to have agoraphobia) can be discrediting of me to the forum community. At best it infers I am somatic/Munchausens. At worst, it's infering that I lie about my symptoms and PTSD. I suppose someone might just think I'm magic, but seriously.....

For someone who (a) doesn't even know me (b) to make a statement that called into question my integrity (c) in a forum thread where members can see it and be influenced in their determination of my character--- this goes against the site's policies.

If you were confused by my situation, the forum rules state "don't guess or think you know what another is thinking; ask or clarify if a response is taken the correct way." I would have not been bothered by your posts if this had occured insetad, and if you had been certain to indicate that this was only your opinion of me.

I don't think you intended to discredit me, but I this is how the post read to me [and to a possible (unknown) number of other members], since I'm quite obviously not equipped with magical abilities. In fact I do believe you meant to help me, but somewhere along the way you thought perhaps I was using thinking errors/denying/lying/or something and that you then tried to help me by calling that out. So I see you as having good intentions that were badly conveyed.

I don't see a reason to block anyone wishing to help, regardless of how sharp of tongue they are. No matter how much I disagree with another's perspective, it is only for my benefit to be open to that. I want you to know I hope we have another chance to discuss things in the future.

 

[rainydaze]

@radicalgratitude, to answer your question: I have very little structure in my life.

I never thought that what you call my "inner child" would benefit from such a thing, but it makes sense. I remember that when I was young, the smallest disruption in my routine felt catastrophic.

I've been operating under the idea that by not commiting myself to things, I am giving myself the sense that I am free to choose what I do at any given time. Having choice over my life is very important to me because my traumatic event was significant in that I had almost no choice over my life.

Since then I threw commitment to the wind, so to speak. After reading your post, I'm starting to think that the negative way I view commitment is likely "black and white thinking" (I must commit to something and if I don't, I cannot commit to anything). Tonight I'm going to establish a routine and put it into practice immediately. I even found a sleep app by the U.S. government called "CBT i-Coach" to bring routine to my nighttime and sleep schedule.

If you want, I can let you know in a week or two how providing myself with a routine worked out.

Thank you so much!

 

[rainydaze]

@Junebug, thank you, thank you, thank you! I feel like your post had so many ideas for me. To answer your question: I have been pushing myself, but yes, I can push myself more.

For example, he loves to cook. Yet he asks me all the time if he can teach me how to cook. I can take him up on this offer and gain skills so that he can come home to food that is ready to eat. It seems like cooking takes a long time, so during the school week this would save his engergy for schoolwork.

I make all our household cleaning products at a fraction of the cost. I do much of the cleaning, but I also have those bad days where I feel overwhelmed. That's when he ends up picking up for my slack. I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have to do everything perfectly. But as you say, "even one job helps." So if I can learn to be okay with myself and my housework even if I feel it is done only 90%, this would (by the same logic) be of great help. So I'm going to tackle that as well.

I would try to lighten his energy demands, can you push yourself? I would let him know in whatever ways are unique to you that you love and appreciate all he has done, what he is doing, how he is. Can you save money for example by cooking? (Versus eating out, processed food, etc?) Can you work in the house or do work outside, if you are not working now? Even one job helps.

Another thing you mentioned in your post is to grow in my willingness to see him excel socially outside of our relationship. He seems to prefer study groups on campus to studying at home alone. I get the sense that sometimes he doesn't go because he's picking up bad vibes I put out about not wanting to feel left alone/abandoned. So what I get from your post is that I need to become responsible for my feelings and make a decision about what I want for HIM, not ME.

i've been going to a novel treatment program for agoraphobia for three weeks now. The psychologist has just now requested I put the treatment into practice. So I'm afraid but I'm going to challenge myself and start getting out there.

Thank you so much for alll the thoughts you shared.

As far as intimacy stuff goes... sometimes I feel a bit relived that he's got so much on his plate. I'm not slacking in order to keep him busy, but I know I avoid him at times when I think he might want to spend time with me. I don't know what to do about this avoidance. I think improving how I feel about my contributions to our relationship will help. Feeling better about myself will go a long way in our interactions.

The other step perhaps I need to take is address my general avoidance of him when I fear he wants to be around me. I'm not sure where to start there, though. I think I probably put too much pressure on myself when he asks to spend time with me. Maybe if I take it as just one thing--- maybe having a meaningful conversation with him. If I stop worrying about having to kiss him, or cuddle, or anything down that road and focus on just the verbal part it may help. What do you think?

 

[radicalgratitude]

@rainydaze Yes, I would love to know how the routine works for you. If I am remembering correctly, it takes 3 weeks of doing something consistently to develop a new habit.

 

[Nicolette]

@rainydaze and @Solara - I can actually see both points of view and how you both have interpreted comments differently and formed your views. I don't disagree with either side and I'm not here to do that. I would suggest that you avoid each other on this topic. As it is a supporter area Solara you draw the short straw unfortunately. I don't want to have to thread ban anyone so please move on.

Thank you :)

 

[rainydaze]

@Nicolette: thank you for letting me know that you see both sides here.

FYI: I'm moving on from any commenting or engaging others with this rift here.

I think a little time will settle things and I'll be respectful of Solara's space until that happens.

Thank you for your help. I seriously appreciate it.