Tips On Trauma Diary

[Deleted member 20978]

I did read Anthony's suggestions before starting my diary, which I've sort of followed though I have not felt solid enough yet to dive into a particular trauma, instead have been treating it more as a current diary as I hopefully progress towards more stable.

I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions about how to dive into a trauma. As well as when to do this. At some point I'd like to write more details, but having gone through such a rough year with lots of stuff coming up, I am wary to keep feeding the beast by digging into things. At same time, I wonder if I would ever decide to write in detail about a trauma in my life at some point when I'm feeling well and stable...

One thing I've thought about doing is rewriting my initial post, to make it more concise and coherent. Like, editing my life narrative to see the trauma history more clearly and let others make more sense of it. Feels weird that this will then be on page 3 or whatever, but seems like maybe a good step?

Any input is welcome.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I've been using writing as a coping mechanism from the start of my diagnosis, and even before I started going to therapy. I was keeping something similar to the trauma diary provided here and then got into posting some on another forum I used to frequent. What has worked well for me is sitting down to write in the very moment that something is troubling or bothering me. I examine whatever is on my mind or causing my emotions to peak by writing out exactly what is going through my thoughts.

I then let that sit for a day or so and revisit it. I read through what I wrote and think about it, with the purpose in mind to analyze it and pick out portions that I need to "process". I then write another spiel for that processing, picking apart and examining what I wrote previously. After I've done this, the experience that was bothering me so much seems to fade into the background and I either have another thought come to the forefront in need of more processing, or I'm able to have some repose for awhile.

 

[Barberian]

I missed Anthony's suggestion post. I just started writing about whatever came to mind on the stressful and triggering things I could think of in relation to my trauma(s). Some of it is spot on, some of it... well not sure where it went, but it was on my mind, so I wrote it.

I had already written a journal on my home computer for myself, so I had an idea of what I wanted to write about. I used the diary to help keep me honest with myself. The easiest person on the planet to lie to is ones self. Putting it out there, for all to see helps keep it real, and also provides feedback from other people who suffer from PTSD and life in general. It can also help others who are struggling to recover to see how you progressed, what you struggled with, and they are not alone in their journey.

My journal is more of a daily type diary now. I write about what is stressing me lately. Occasionally I'll dig up something that is triggering, but for the most part, I've done that already.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Neb, this is helpful. I wonder about how this all relates to the idea that talking about trauma can be counter-productive. I read so much about how trauma is "trapped in the body" (where body includes brain, nervous system, muscles, etc.) and that talking/thinking/writing, because they are so mental and not physical, can bring up trauma and make it more intrusive without helping it process at the "somatic" level (soma = body).

I find it helpful to spew, in writing and in speech, but am also coming to think that *maybe* the same way other people get burnt out on hearing about the sad tales or whatever, I might be burning myself out too.

It does seem like a good suggestion to write about what is coming up in the present. I have some feeling its important how to write about things, but its a bit nebulous to me.

Its weird too, I crave a dialogue. But I am too spewing to invite that dialogue I think. Too many words, too sprawling, too whiny at times. Probably less aware than I think. Maybe. Heh. But maybe that's the idea of the journal, that it gets more coherent over time? This is how I read part of Anthony's tips, was to refine and edit so you're getting clearer on what you're saying, on what happened.

Non-sequitur -- I sometimes like when hiking to do a mad scramble dash off trail, up rough terrain, where I have to flail arms to keep balance, duck branches, get heart rate going. This is oddly close to what Peter Levine writes about as how animals, and patients he's worked with in developing somatic therapies, release stored trauma. I wish I could schedule therapy so that I would always take a hike right after (brain lateralization!), but this seems incompatible with having a job.

Sorry it's late I'm rambling too much.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@Barberian all good points, yeah. I get a lot out of reading other's journals, though like my own, some are hard to keep up with.

 

[quic]

Diving into a trauma can be risky and painful, but it is the path to emotional freedom! The best results come when you go to the core of the problem. Go beyond how you feel today, go deeper than the details of the trauma, to what you felt at that moment. Dig down to the beliefs about yourself that were created at the time of the trauma. Many of us write about how hard the week has been, what we really want is to let out the truth that is trapped under layers of fear, guilt, anger or shame.

I had no professional help when I first started diving into my past. I hid my condition and repressed the trauma for many years. One day I took a long look at myself and realized something was not right with me and I needed to get some things off my chest. I decided to journal about my problem. I was unaware that opening that vault could be dangerous. Oh I found the source of my problems, and almost lost my mind and family in the process. Turns out the mind protects us by keeping things bundled up and out of our conscious awareness. Heads up! Bringing painful events into awareness can release years of emotional energy, have a plan for processing what you find in there. But it is a GOOD thing.

I found a therapist who helped me work through what I uncovered in my journaling. Journals helped me go where I did not want to go, to visit the memories I would not let myself see. I know who I am because I faced my worst nightmares, first on paper, then in the "real" world.

Don’t be afraid to go "there", to dive into your trauma. Memories are not real, but the feelings are real. When you start writing about your trauma have a plan to get yourself back to a state of awareness here in the present. Be mindful of who you are now and don’t over identify with the trauma. It is a memory, a bundle of emotion, and may possess an enormous amount of energy. That energy is limited and will run out at some point, then you will have balance. You will realize how much of your present day pain was the past leaking into your current reality.

There are countless metaphors we could use for this, but a favorite is the movie "What dreams may come" . Robin Williams is in heaven and discovers his wife is in hell after committing suicide. He risks his eternal soul to go find her and bring her to heaven. To do this he has to go into her own personal hell. Once there, he forgets who he is and why he is there. He starts to believe that place is his reality and does not try to escape. I won’t spoil the ending. But when you go into your own personal hell you risk forgetting why you went in there in the first place (to feel better). We all have to travel into our own personal hell to free our souls. In doing so we have to let go of the safety of where we are now.

I wish you courage.

 

[EverOnly358]

I used the diary to help keep me honest with myself. The easiest person on the planet to lie to is ones self. Putting it out there, for all to see helps keep it real.

I like that! I agree!

And this is an interesting thread, because I'm struggling, too, just in a different way.

First off, advice. When I started, I did NOT follow Anthony's advice, which was to start with the biggest trauma. I still think he's right though. But I was scared and I started with the most recent sorta small thing (which was having panic attacks every morning in the shower, passing out, falling down and knocking myself unconscious... but hey, that was small for me). And it just really helped. And I stopped having panic attacks. A lot of things became clear, because I took the time to write them down. It was never about the shower... it was about me worrying about all the things I had to do after I showered, all the responsibilities, feeling sick and worthless and not up for life because of all the stress, because I was dealing with more than I could handle. I also spent a lot of time writing down practical things... okay, showering is messed up... so I'll setup everything so it's the quickest shower ever, and blast my favorite tunes, and stuff like that. Anything you can logically throw up against deep seeded, long present trauma memories, I think will help. It's almost two months later and I'm still sorta amazed when I get out of the shower and I'm not sweating and unable to breathe. Y'know, I actually put that whole bit in my personal journal on my hard drive, but maybe I'll dig it up and put it in my Trauma Diary, to make it official.

Oh, and don't rewrite anything unless you really think it matters that much. I get the urge to edit my timeline every time I open my Trauma Diary. But then I remind myself it's okay that it's all less than perfect. It was what I could do at the time. I was struggling with a lot, and the struggle shows through the writing. Sometimes I whine, complain, freak out... but those are all real emotional responses, so very valuable to me in their own way. I'm trying to give myself a break and just say whatever I need to say, however I can get it out. Sometimes I beat up on myself. Yeah, I shouldn't. But sometimes, seeing it there, imaging I was saying that stuff to a younger version of myself... just. It's powerful. I immediately decide that it's NOT OKAY to talk to her that way. And maybe I'll be able to get around to thinking it's not okay to talk to myself that way. Like the quote above... it's easy to lie to yourself, or try to present a perfect imagine... but hey, I'm not perfect, not even close. I'm damaged. And a big part of it all is letting that show. Letting myself be wrong sometimes. Letting myself tackle my pain however I can.

For weeks after that, all I had was "Yikes!" in my Trauma Diary. Then I started with my biggest trauma, the one that tied things together, the stuff that scared me the most. Before I started I made sure everything else was sort of settled, and I gave myself lots of time and space to just try. The other thing I did before I could even start was tell most of the story to a friend. That helped immensely. I still do that, just different friends. ((Spread the misery around, y'know). Sorry, my sense of humor is on the dark side tonight.) But, I guess I believe, if you're thinking about it... stop thinking about it and just do it because it really does help!

Um... my questions/problems are these. I find the MOOD Management stuff really tough to deal with. I can't identify my feelings or I have the wrong ones. So (sorry to hijack your thread) but that's what I could really use advice on.

My problem is this... every time I do spend time describing my trauma, it's difficult, but then a day or two later, it goes away. I still remember, just not with a lot of emotion attached. I also tend to feel really good and "normal" (which still freaks me out because I've never felt normal before in my whole life). Balanced and at peace with the world, like I forgot my PTSD exists. And a few days go by, and inevitably the misery parade starts up again, bringing forth NEW (and sometimes way more horrible) memories to deal with. My question here is... then what? Keep going? It's more and more exhausting every time, and I fear I have enough trauma to keep me going once a week for over a year. So, I'm not sure. I guess, I bring this up because once you start, you may very well experience new bad memories once the old ones aren't so pressing. Maybe figure out your game plan in advance, unlike me, who just ran wildly into the fray, screaming "F*ck It! I'm Determined!" and having no real plan and not a great understanding of the consequences. Please see "stop thinking about it and just do it!" and maybe change that, too, "think about it, have a plan, and then just do it!"

The final thing is... that tackling these things in my Trauma Diary has made me more confident. More able to handle all the symptoms of PTSD. Made me feel more hopeful that it won't always be this way. There's something about being heard and still accepted that I've found very addictive.

Those are my thoughts, if I'm less that coherent, or used way too many words, I hope you will all forgive me.

D

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I advise you to go slow at first. I couldn't write about my trauma without being spun into an episode. Maybe I'm the odd duck as I needed a different type of exposure therapy to process my trauma, but please be aware that some of us are never able to talk about it in traditional ways.

 

[The Albatross]

I had to trick myself into writing about my traumas in my diary. I started with an hour glass from Kohls that was only 23-24 minutes. I was focused on "writing for time". I normalized that for a while until I loosened up. Afterward I would walk away from the keyboard and start my day. Then I could come home and read and re-read what I wrote until I normalized that (as best as I could at the time). But each morning when it was time, I flipped over the hour glass and wrote. Sometimes about trauma, sometimes not... until eventually all that I was willing to share (I have not shared all on my diary but more like 90% and that is good enough for me because my goal was to rejoin "normal life"... not pen a tell all.)

It takes practice, patience, persistence, and perseverance.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thanks all. quic -- really impressive post, very helpful. Too tired to say more :)

 

[The Albatross]

Something that almost nobody mentions anymore is the Link Removed(subsequent units of distress scale)... I think Bloom was using it when I became a member... but at any rate, initially when I would write for time I would rate my anxiety (though I used just 1-10) Over a bit of time, I realized that my SUDS scale would decrease on the repetitions of re-reading. That is still something I do. I'm getting ready to do it again. I have read my diary all the way through about 10 times in the past 2 1/2 years. To normalize it. Initially I would read and reread until my SUDS level dropped a bit... enough to manage. Then I'd press on to the next day the next timed writing. Most diary people don't do that anymore I think. But it was helpful to me because not only did I do the writing, but I did a self check on my distress and a couple of rechecks when I'd reread the post). It has become habitual and now is a new behavior. It doesn't take any conscious effort.

26-28 days creates a habit, 6 months a new behavior. I needed to replace maladaptive behaviors with newer, better, more effective ones.

 

[Barberian]

I have read my diary all the way through about 10 times in the past 2 1/2 years.

That's something I've wanted to do, but haven't built up enough strength to do yet. I know I should, but can't just yet.