First Flashback In Therapy Session

[crazy8]

It happened. Usually I only allow 2 select people in my life, who I am very close to, to see me experience a flashback, but my therapist saw it for the first time today. I mainly get emotional flashbacks with intense crying, muscle tension, sweating, nausea/vomiting, and complete lack of ability to speak or use the logical part of my brain. Letting him see it made me feel completely exposed, scared, and embarrassed. I couldn't really explain to him what was happening, but he knew and did a good job talking me through it. Luckily, I felt pretty safe afterwards, so I think this could be a good sign of progress in therapy. It happened because he asked me to write down any memories I could remember surrounding the traumas. When I brought him the list, he asked me if I would read it out loud rather than have him read it. I wasn't expecting to have to connect with those memories so personally, and I think that's what triggered the flashback. We didn't even get to one item on the list, but I think progress was made.

Also I think I may be dissociating in therapy, as I often completely blank on any emotion whatsoever at times when I feel like I "should" have emotion. I sometimes feel silly for having no feelings. Haven't told my T this yet, perhaps I will next week.

Just wanted to share. Anyone else have flashbacks in therapy before?

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I haven't really discussed all my issues in therapy - still trying to find a therapist (I see a psychiatrist once a month) - but I tend to go numb if asked about my childhood or family history to the point I end up listening to and feeling my own voice reverberate even if I choose not to answer directly. Pretty strong defense mechanism our minds create for us, huh?

 

[keifer]

I've been reading a book called a mind frozen in time. I just started therapy. I've been told my counselor and a friend at work who happens to be my PTSD yoga instructor, things will get worse before they get better.

I have broke down in the past and cried. Usually after a period of rage/anger. I call that my hyper phase where I'm real edgy. I also notice I'm edgy when I get depressed to right afterward.

It's been about a month, I've blocked those emotions. In my dreams, I can't stop them. They are bleeding through. I can't physically stand when it happens, I don't want to ever feel like that again. I feel so weak.

I can empathize a little but right now, I don't know anyone I'd trust to see me like that.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

@keifer - know what you mean - still can't cry unless I'm scared or worried about my kids and not sure if it's because the thought of crying in front of someone breaks so many boundaries for me.

(Edited out the original comment as it was a bit much...Sorry about that)

 

[crazy8]

I can empathize a little but right now, I don't know anyone I'd trust to see me like that.

That's how I felt a few weeks ago. Everyone works on a different timeframe, but with the right T and time....anything is possible. (Wow, there's the optimist in me coming back out - I haven't seen that part of me in months!)

 

[Joan]

I do not have emotional fb, but the visual kind...I had one in therapy one day. I understand your feelings of being exposed and embarrassed. I really struggle with having them in public, but I can't do anything about it so working on that accepting piece.
Be kind to yourself. I think it is indicative of the hard work you are putting into therapy.

 

[Fyrepixie0]

I've had some terrible therapy sessions until I met this woman who was the best therapist. She completely saw me break down and she could empathize but see me in therapist's POV. She experienced very similar to what I have on a personal level. I got really close to her and trusting her. The sad news is that she became very sick and passed on. I am hoping to reconnect with another therapist that can give me that same level of trust that we shared.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I've had flashbacks at in my therapy sessions. It can be a useful event, if handled well. In my mind, a therapist handling it well, is one level of the 'proof in the pudding test' of a good therapetic situation. Two past therapists of mine handled it poorly, my current therapist handles it well.

Sometimes a flashback has occurred because my old therapist triggered it, by their forthright and dominating communication style, that was similar to my abuser's. They were unwilling to adapt to my needs. Therapy was too triggering.

Another therapist triggered it because their presence-secrective, retaliatory, and competitive, was like my abuser's. This flashback really took me by surprise because it happened on my first visit. At first, I found it odd, and did not think to much of it. Later, It gave me useful information, when the therapist started responding non-therapeutically, after I criticized something they said to me in therapy.

Sometimes, a flashback happens because I'm in a situation that isn't safe for me, as in the examples above. At other times, like with my current therapist, they occur even when I am safe. It can be due to a triggering topic-where I start to either disassociate or have flashbacks. At moments when I begin to disassociate or have a flashback, i tell my therapist. Then my therapist makes adjustments, and we work through it.

It speaks well that you and your therapist dealt with the flashback well, and dealt with it to your comfort.

 

[a3a2]

Yes, I have. Especially in the beginning of therapy.

I think it is a really big step that you could share your traumas in this way, and that your therapist could respond well. I wish you well on your healing journey.

 

[Footie freak]

Hi crazy8.
I want you to know that I am having therapy, and have had several flashbacks during the sessions, majority of which I too was dissosociated and the therapist had to "bring me around". This happens regularly, not just in therapy. Unfortunately for me, I am unable to show my feelings and be brave enough to show my emmotions. X

 

[crazy8]

Unfortunately for me, I am unable to show my feelings and be brave enough to show my emmotions. X

But you're "brave enough" to start therapy... Don't be so hard on yourself :-)

 

[Footie freak]

I wouldn't say I was brave at all, I was petrified about it. It was the push I think I needed though from my partner who could see me self destructing.