Emotional Pain?

[Philippa]

I had that experience the other day when the woman at work attacked me. It felt like I'd had the wind knocked right out of me, and then my head started hurting. For me it was anxiety and fear and shock manifesting physically.

At other times in the past 20 years, I have on occasion felt an unidentifiable feeling in my solar plexus that I could never seem to describe to anyone and had no idea what it was about.

I really love franciemarnie's posts here, especially ideas on how to go into it deeper to get to the bottom of it. All this experimentation is very brave and I love the fact that people here are willing to try and understand what it's all about and try new things.

 

[EverOnly358]

Hashi, I loved your post.

Lately I need to sleep on a cozy couch we have that somehow - scrunched up to it's back side - makes me feel safe, protected and loved in a deep sense. Held by a benevolence. My adult self doesn't seem to need it, but my kid self does.

I am like so TOTALLY glad you mentioned this. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Because I think this would REALLY help me. It's so obvious, but I didn't think of it. Anyways. You made my day.

We've got to take care of ourselves - all of our selves. I don't have DID but there are little franciemarnie parts inside there.

There are younger versions of me, too. I talk to them or they take over all the time. I never realized it before. How I would go from acting one way one minute to something totally different the next. I didn't understand. Now I'm cool with it, I embrace it. I feel like it's me getting in better touch with myself (instead of freaking myself out that I have another big problem, like DID, which y'know, I don't (I think, LOL!)). And hey, the other day, I was feeling definitely 17, and my daughter called from college (she's 19) and we totally bonded and had the best conversation. We made all kinds of plans for when she comes home at Thanksgiving. It was SO AWESOME! Because usually we're getting on each others nerves so much. 'Cause y'know, she's a total pain in the ass, and so am I. We're so very alike, except in the ways we're not... then we're totally the opposite. Mothers and daughters, y'know. (Sorry, I just needed to clarify, she's awesome and I'm so proud of her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't drive me crazy! She's doing fantastic at school. We all miss her.)

I get terrible jaw pain. This can mean different things for me. When I'm manic, my jaw and back tense up unless I physically keep moving, moving, moving at high speed. So, I try to just y'know, move my jaw around and try to breathe. (Breathing is so difficult! But I'm still at it. :laugh:) Sometimes the jaw pain is because I'm so scared I stop breathing and tense my jaw instead. When I really freak out, and being in my bedroom with the door locked isn't isolation enough... then I go in my closet with the door closed. Sometimes I hide in the corner of my closet, behind the clothes and blankets. I guess I feel like this is okay. The worst thing is trying to push it all away. That doesn't work. So I listen to the little girl inside me and do what she wants because it makes her feel better. I dunno. I guess I'm weird, too. That's okay. I like being weird.

But I thought this thread was seriously interesting. I've been getting migraines FOR YEARS! But I haven't in weeks. Today I feel one coming on. I don't know what's different or what to do. My feelings woke back up at the end of August, I guess... but now I feel like they're fading again. I'm having trouble feeling emotions. It's really scary. And now a migraine. I don't know. I feel like they're connected. I've been trying to do a lot of things to keep dissociation at bay, but. I dunno. I fear I'm not making sense. But that's what I like about this thread... that it's all weird to try to connect feelings with physical pain and the language of that is hard to interpret, but the whole science of it... it's actually real. I mean, I guess... it's something that can be intuited and can be figured out and can lead to real results. And with that in mind, I plan to keep trying to figure out what's up with me.

I really hope any of this helps. I do yammer on and on, don't I? Sorry!
D

Was I the only one who thought this sentence of mine... "I'm having trouble feeling emotions. It's really scary." was just way too ironic! :roflmao:

 

[goingonhope]

Sometimes I feel this emotion that I can never totally pinpoint. Under my sternum and in some respects it feels as if the breath has been knocked out of me. I feel small and silent and vulnerable. It's not sadness. Like I just want to crawl under a chair and hide and stay there. Any ideas? Any suggestions?

I read your above post earlier Abstract and it not only makes sense, I can relate to it well.

My ability to sustain focus is quite unmanageable for me today, so in order to respond I will keep this simple and brief.

My thought is that perhaps the emotion which you'd like to pinpoint is rather an intertwined combo. of emotions all balled up right there beneath the sternum. And, if you relate to Jemini, as I do, then perhaps an identifiable and easiest single word or emotion for this combination is terror.

For me, I had to ball up and trap together these types of emotions coming out of ongoing and neglected trauma. I had to in order to survive then. The traumas evoked emotions that produced additional emotions, ...and then abusive threats of even more consequential trauma (both externally and internally), induced terror.

So these are just my thoughts.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks everyone - Franciemarnie, quic, Brat, Hashi, Arfie, Britt, fly away, Dmerish, Jemini, Phillipa, D123, Goingonhope . I have to say I was surprised to get replies let alone such insightful and kind ones. It was the right thing to do to post.

It isn't just "normal" anxiety which I associate with a jangling agitated state and I feel it further down towards my solar plexus. I have been particularly anxious and agitated recently again as well though. It seems that sometimes emotions are layered or compete against each other.

I think the feeling feels a little like having no skin in some respects. Desperate for comfort in some hidden way which I wasn't aware of and yet unable to let anyone near me and needing to hide. That is just a backdrop though.

@franciemarnie, thanks so much for the great suggestion to crawl under the chair. I still tend to default to a punitive approach with myself and it takes constant checking in to combat it so "giving in" didn't occur to me. Thank you too for the book recommendation. I am very interested in body connections with trauma and believe I will find it very helpful but have been avoiding it as anything that touches on it a little more deeply seems to set my symptoms off drastically. I want to go there but maybe I need a T first I think. I shall keep the title in my list.

I started towards the chair and then felt taken aback when I realised there was no way I was ever going to fit under it so did what Hashi mentioned - got under the table.

The response was unexpected and I immediately felt very regressed and a little dissociated and the edges of the room fell away and went black. I suspect I would have benefited from staying under for a while and allowing myself to feel things but I am afraid I was little too freaked and got out of there quickly. I am not sure how I would have reacted if I did it when I first needed to. I don't ever remember getting under a chair but it all felt very familiar.

@brat17, the answer to your isolating question is a bit muddled. In some ways I haven't been bad but in truth in the way that matters I have felt as if I am slowly but surely being sucked down a black hole of isolation over the last 6 months. Its really a little frightening and feels sad. I interact with a fair amount of people but it is actual trust and connection to those that counts which is hard. I am afraid I don't have it in me to join a group when I struggle so much with keeping the bare basic contact with the friends and family I do have.

@Hashi those are interesting thoughts. Yes the sternum is the breastbone. I like your reminders about its strength. It was helpful to hear. I agree there is incredible vulnerability in the lungs and heart. In many ways I think these are the places we are most aware of the indications of us living.

I can't tell whether I am less in denial and more present or stuck in denial at present. I have had some drastic "I am fine" stuff but I actually suspect you are right. There are possibly some levels of acceptance happening underneath it I think. I try to always see feeling things as a good thing and think that is true most of the time. Thanks for the encouraging thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your experience @arfie. I have been feeling like a "ninny".

Yes, @fly away home, I do too. The DBT stuff I did on looking at where feelings are was very helpful for me and helped me start connecting to myself. I was very disconnected before. Thanks for your body descriptions of your emotions. I am going to think on them a little.

@Jemini, I went most of my life not recognising anger or most anxiety/fear. It was quite disconcerting to realise how anxious and fearful I was all the time. I fancied myself as mellow when I was in fact just dissociated. :confused:

@D123, I too think migraines are linked and have found that for me. As is jaw pain. And yes, its ironic!

@goingonhope, thanks for sharing that you relate and you may well be right that the emotion is in fact an entwined combination of more than one. I don't think I can say it is terror though as that feels as if I am exaggerating it. It feels less urgent than terror. Or maybe that is wrong. Can terror have a part of you leaning forward metaphorically speaking or just "away"? I really like your explanation of the emotions causing emotions and the layering that results.

:peeking:
I am still not sure what it is. Instinctively, the words that resonated the most were shock and heartache although the second would need to be on steroids.

I have been working very hard on grounding the last two days. All the time doing mindfulness exercises and using affirmations - doing it frantically. I have had something hard/bad happen at work and have needed to be functional and have not felt functional. Its a pretty big stressor for me. This afternoon I found myself in myself again at last and only then realised how regressed and off I have been for a bit. I think that was a big part of this.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think I relate to what you're describing Abstract. But maybe I'm not, so please take no notice if I'm all wrong.

When I have had flashbacks, I've begun to notice a moment of what I call terror or horror. It's like there's a sudden recognition of the scale of the situation for a moment before dissociation overcomes it all.

But sometimes I feel that same feeling in the solar plexus that makes me almost heave out my breath - like a scream that won't come out.

I really hope you're feeling better. Do you have a blanket you can use when the child self wants to hide and feel safe?

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Meadowsweet,

I still get so confused about what things are and are not and doubt myself. I keep feeling I am making things up when I try to describe them. It's such hard work trying to speak about anything. A scream that won't come out is a good description.

My soft blanket is my best way of coping. Thanks for the good wishes. I am feeling much more grounded today although odd and anxious.

 

[EverOnly358]

I still get so confused about what things are and are not and doubt myself. I keep feeling I am making things up when I try to describe them. It's such hard work trying to speak about anything. A scream that won't come out is a good description. My soft blanket is my best way of coping. Thanks for the good wishes. I am feeling much more grounded today although odd and anxious.

I hear you... emotions and their related physical feelings total dumbfound me and when I try to address them, I just feel like I'm making stuff up. I go through most of life having no idea what I'm actually feeling.

I'm really glad you're feeling more grounded! I'm sorry you're still feeling anxious and I hope that passes quickly.

D

 

[Spiderallis]

I posted something similar in the 'symptoms and other disorders' sub-forum the other day, some of the replies there might be helpful with this-
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-want-a-somatic-symptom-decoder-ring.37547/

Not sure if I linked it properly, but I tried.

 

[Abstract]

glad you're feeling more grounded!

Me too thanks D123. Only realising now how bad I was for a few days. I ended up making a big mistake at work too as a result. :(

I posted something similar

Thank you Spiderallis! I learned a lot from your thread and will post there. I think I am understanding a lot about peoples replies to me on this one too that I did not before. I am also suspecting there could be a whole range of things I have never considered. I always thought of myself as not experiencing somatic pain but I am not so sure any more.

 

[EverOnly358]

Only realising now how bad I was for a few days. I ended up making a big mistake at work too as a result.

Something like this happens to me... I mean... I'll be going through life, with little idea of how I'm actually feeling, what emotions I'm actually experiencing, and it's only days or sometimes WEEKS later that I figure it out. Which, y'know, leads to all sorts of problems. I end up making all kinds of huge mistakes and then beating myself up over them. Which, y'know, really doesn't help at all.

I'm sorry it lead you to making a big mistake at work. But don't be too hard on yourself. Because everyone makes mistakes.