Preparing For A Big Session

[euca]

So this Tuesday I suspect is going to be the biggest of the big.

I do EMDR. We are time limited, I have 20 sessions budgeted on the NHS (UK) and we are up to number 14 this week. My therapist is fantastic. Over the last few months I have come to trust him with things I never ever thought I would speak. Seriously buried, personal feelings beyond the scope of this happened and then police, courts, yuck, family etc. Way beyond: this man knows my thoughts better than I do sometimes. And he is a man, like that is wow. I didn't think I would ever be able to trust a man with my stuff, but I've tried to force it and it's worked. Forced has turned into deserved.

I hate dependence and so I am glad that this is ending soon (not really). I need to pull back because every week is more...significant... than the last. And I can't keep going like this because it is going to finish soon.

He has said we need to close down before the last session, and make future plans. He has also sensed there is a blockage with everything we've done so far. He's right, there is quite a bit I haven't said.

So I have written it out in one A4 sheet. In itself this is a major achievement for me. It was all written and aired and discussed years ago during the trial, but since then, no one has or can know. So this is big for me. I need to 'out' this stuff but it is HUGE. I'm scared crazy, and not sure if I can do it. But I have it written and on Tuesday morning, I'm going to hand it over.

Any advice for exactly how I force my hand to make that movement, gratefully received!

N

 

[Jane.l]

I have done some stuff like that on email. Which is easier because once you have pressed send its gone, I hate the gap between sending it and his reaction ( which is always positive )

You are being very brave and I am sure your T will really be impressed with that . Such a shame you are time limited I feel for you.

It's a hard thing to do but it will be worth it .

Go for it

 

[CVC]

You're so brave and taking such a positive stance for your recovery! Good for you. No matter what the response you get, you can be proud that you've taken an important step for yourself. And, if this therapist is as great as you say, he will certainly be open to whatever you share. I agree with Jane--go for it!

 

[maddog]

Honestly, for some reason, one of the things that helps me when I'm about to share something really difficult, is to say... "this is really difficult". And then, somehow, in some tiny way, it's not so difficult.

It sounds like he knows you well enough to have insight into how significant this will be for you. Don't be afraid to just discuss the difficulty for a while - it will give you a chance to relax into the idea and to seek and receive the support and validation that you are most assuredly going to receive.

Sounds like you're doing a massive job with fantastic support, which is gold, on both counts. Good luck and remember to go easy on yourself before, during and after the sharing. Now is the time for self care in whatever way works for you.

Maddog

 

[euca]

Thank you for your responses.

Maddog, that is good advice. I'm trying to rehearse in my mind how I introduce this, but thinking about it is stressing me. Can't believe it's Monday already..

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

to say... "this is really difficult". And then, somehow, in some tiny way, it's not so difficult.

This can also be referred to as shame resilience, & it is a fantastic skill to have!

When we can hold out the inner, pained, real self and share it with others, that shame claims less and less grasp on us to keep it locked down.

That will allow us to be whole real self instead of a shadow self that puts on masks.

 

[euca]

When we can hold out the inner, pained, real self and share it with others, that shame claims less and less grasp on us to keep it locked down. That will allow us to be whole real self instead of a shadow self that puts on masks.

This is a truth I know. Thank you for telling me again.

Sometimes I'm not sure that the EMDR process has helped me with the ability to share. I don't have to tell it, I have to think it. But if I think it and then avoid it, only I can hold myself accountable. And I'm not always so great at that. This is why I need to do this thing tomorrow.

I've never emailed my T before. He's never invited me to or given me his email address. I have looked him up online (I wasn't stalking him, just doing a bit of research. I am, after all, placing my mental health in his hands) and there was an email address on his webpage but I don't want to use it unless I've asked him. I wish right now though that I could drop him a line just saying, I have some writing for you, please ask me for it in case I chicken out. I guess I have to not chicken out. I'll be disappointed in myself if I do.

 

[Jane.l]

Yes you will be really disappointed if you don't do it. Try to keep that in mind. I would give to him as soon as you can in your session as hopefully he will give you some feedback straight away which will help you.

Don't wait until you are just about to leave or you will spend all week worrying about his reaction - which will be very positive but if you are anything like me you will be telling yourself all sorts of negative rubbish.

You can do this. You sound like you need to do this and at the end of the day you will be proud of yourself for taking this step

Good luck - look forward to hearing how it goes tomorrow

 

[Jane.l]

Thinking of you today ! Hope it goes well .

 

[euca]

Jane thank you!

Oh man, I should've taken your advice. Well I tried to but a few things happened on my way to T that triggered a flashback and I was still a bit dissociated when I arrived. I did tell him this. I was concentrating on giving him the paper and was unprepared for his usual question about what had come up regarding the previous week. I could not remember the previous week to save myself and I got a bit flustered and felt like an idiot. In the end I blurted out that I had written some stuff but that I wasn't sure if I wanted to give it to him. Well that was dumb because we then spoke for a while about why he didn't really need to know the details in EMDR therapy and ways that we could process without him knowing - ie I didn't have to give it to him if I didn't want to, which I interpreted as he didn't want it (I am pretty disgusting after all - yes a negative cognition we are working on, but I'll take a good opportunity to reinforce it). But I did want to give it to him I just felt like I shouldn't. Like it is bad to share these details. I don't usually behave like this, but I felt very young and out of control.

Anyways, the rest of the session, processing, was better and I reconnected with myself and realised exactly why I needed to give this paper over and so, right at the end I said, I'm thinking I want you to have my writings now. He was a bit strange about taking it, still. I'm probably overanalysing, but I felt like he didn't want it. It was very difficult to write, so I really hope it wasn't for nothing, well it wasn't because I needed to do it for me. But I hope I still feel the trust for him that I've developed, next week. I guess he's read it by now but, yeah, telling myself lots of negative rubbish. At least I gave it to him in the end, so I'm trying to be proud of myself for that.

 

[Jane.l]

Well done ! Totally get where you are coming from , him saying he didn't need details must have made that tricky but it's a strange thing even though the tough stuff is sometimes almost possible to tell my T I still want him to know because I don't think he can really understand or get whats happening for me if he doesn't but I sort of don't want him to know because of the guilt / shame aspect. It's not easy.

I am sure he will be really pleased at this huge show of trust in him from you . I think you are brave it's easy to let the negative voice take over but when you see him again it will all be ok.

 

[euca]

I still want him to know because I don't think he can really understand or get whats happening for me if he doesn't but I sort of don't want him to know because of the guilt / shame aspect. It's not easy.

Exactly, it's a hard line to walk.

I am sure he will be really pleased at this huge show of trust in him from you . I think you are brave it's easy to let the negative voice take over but when you see him again it will all be ok.

Oh I hope so! Thank you for that, he's really unemotional though so I think 'really pleased' isn't going to be it, but some sort of acknowledgement that it was helpful for him, or will be helpful for us, would be good. We'll see, I'm going to be in knots by Tuesday!