Undiagnosed I Got Ptsd After Finding Out About Wife's Rape/abuse

[DanCat]

Hi

I'm new here, I thought I'd finally write down and share my experiences, although I've never been diagnosed with PSTD, all the symptoms I experienced seem to match. Sorry if this post sounds a bit selfish, but I tried hard to fight my thoughts and be there for my family.

It all started 3 years ago, when my wife of 6 years told me that her previous boyfriend submitted to her to regular physiological and extreme sexual abuse and that on many occasions raped her. She was with him for 3 years. She is the kindest, gentlest person you could meet, but had a tough childhood and lacks confidence and self-esteem.

At the time she told me our daughter was 3 months old and I was feeling particularly defensive and protective of my family... Plus we has the frequent sleepless nights! I had just changed my job to try and bring a bit of extra security for my family too. Needless to say I felt a lot of pressure at that point in time, and receiving this news hit me very hard.

I remember feeling physical pain when she told me. However, she didn't cry, she didn't show much emotion at all really, she described it as a "mistake". To her it was just one of those things and that it was her first sexual relationship she thought it was normal.

My thoughts were taken over, I could think of nothing else for about three months. The images and thoughts of what had happened to her played continually through my mind. I had nightmares, panic attacks, woke up in the middle of the night in tears. Drove to and from work in tears for weeks. Was irritable, angry and on edge for months. Eventually I slumped into a depression, hid away and barely spoke to my friends and family. Eventually, I began to hide my feelings from my wife as she thought it was ridiculous that HER problem would affect ME so much.

At first I tried counseling, which was useless. She asked "if your wife isn't upset by it, then why are you?" Eventually after a year or so, I went to the doctors and got prescribed anti-depressants which I still take now. I have slowly gotten better, I guess time is a great healer. I still love my wife very much and feel blessed to have such beautiful healthy children. The last few years have been so tough, especially for my wife and family, but somehow she has stayed with me and we have made it through together.

Trouble is that I know the guy really well. He lives near me. Every time I drive to work, I drive past the pub his Mum and Dad own, heck..even my father and brother drink there! But I have never told anyone about this, nobody...I guess to protect my wife.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi DanCat, Welcome to the forum!

What a difficult situation to be in. I am sorry that counseling did not help you - sounds like you had a rubbish counselor I am afraid. I am glad to hear that you have slowly got better, but clearly the fact that you are here - have joined this forum, shows that it is still having an impact.

Is it something that you are able to discuss with your wife, or do you continue to suffer in silence?

I do find your situation quite hard. I told my husband about my sexual abuse and he has coped well with that. At least I think he has - but maybe he is like yourself and not wanting to upset me by showing his horror at the situation. My husband also had to have contact with my abuser, until it came to the point where it became public knowledge and I cut off all contact which freed him to do the same.

It is even harder that the guy is near and you have constant reminders about it all. How does your wife deal with seeing the pub and knowing that your family members drink there?

Is your wife getting psychological help? I ask because I know when I first told about my own experiences I was later told that I had no emotion attached to it. It was as if I were reading a script or talking about a complete stranger. That was simply because the true emotions were overwhelming and I was scared to confront them. Therapy certainly helped that.

You sound like a very supportive husband, and I am glad you have stuck through this. However I do think you need further help if you are to move forwards. I wonder if contacting a rape support charity/centre ( I assume you are in the UK because you call a pub a pub!) they would be able to point you in the direction of support for partners of victims. They must exist I am sure.

Best wishes
Lucy x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry, not to be rude, but there is no such thing as PTSD-by-proxy. Nothing traumatic happened to you and as such you don't meet criterion "A" for a PTSD diagnosis.

Maybe the adjustment disorder site would be better suited for you, but I don't know if that disorder also has the requirement of a first hand experience.

 

[DanCat]

Hi

Thanks for the reply!

My wife's mother left her when she was 1 year old. Her mother is now an alcoholic and throughout her life has given my wife grief for stuff that happened when she was only 1 year old and continues to make her feel guilty for their lack of relationship! My wife thinks that her mother leaving is far more damaging than spending 3 years of her life with a bullying rapist. She is totally dismissive of the abuse/rape and in her opinion her mother is the root of all her problems and far more important an issue to her.

Fair enough, maybe I should feel the same way and just move on?

But I struggle to agree and feel very alone in trying to move forward and accept what has happened to her. I feel bad for not telling her family what she went through, but at the same time feel anger and resentment at the fact it went on so long when she still lived at home and no one noticed or tried to intervene. The fact that he is able to walk around without being punished or held accountable for what he did? That one day my son might find out what happened to his mother and then ask why I did nothing about it, even though I knew where the guy lived?

 

[DanCat]

Sorry, not to be rude, but there is no such thing as PTSD-by-proxy. Nothing traumatic happened to you and as such you don't meet criterion "A" for a PTSD diagnosis.

I disagree. My wife telling me that she was a victim of rape was the most traumatic experience of my life.

 

[digger]

as such you don't meet criterion "A" for a PTSD diagnosis.

What about Point 3? Could that not cover this?
CRITERION A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s),
2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others,
3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent and accidental.
4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Digger beat me to it, it is entirely possible according to my understanding.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Dear DanCat,

I am so sorry about what happened to your wife and how horribly that effects you. PTSD or not, the feelings you are experiencing should definitely be taken seriously.

I do recognise the behaviour of your wife; talking about what happened to her like it's no big deal. Believe me, that's just a defense mechanism. She doesn't want to be affected by it anymore and was probably trying to minimise the damage the truth would do to you, at the same time.

Of course the knowledge of what happened to your wife affects you. And I think the severity of your symptoms is largely determined by the love you feel for her. You are a very empathic person and that is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, that also increases the impact things like this can have on you. Do not let anyone tell you it's nonsense to be upset about what happened to your wife. It's a very natural reaction which does not make you weird or weak in any way.

Whether you'll get the official PTSD diagnosis or not, you are right to take these symptoms seriously and you deserve to get the help you need.

Perhaps you can find a way to have a gentle but thourough conversation with your wife about what you're going through. Of course there's no one to blame, but communication is really important in matters like this. I also think it's important your wife knows that it is okay for her to open up some more and that she is not at fault here, but that you do want to work this out together.

As awful as this situation is (and believe me, everyone here knows), perhaps you both can use it to your advantage and get even closer together.


I hope this will help you out. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

 

[aj1]

Welcome DanCat. I think you will find that there are many people and previous conversations here that can help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well let's throw out the DSM criterion as EVERYONE on Gods green earth now qualifies for PTSD.

And I do mean EVERYONE.

 

[WillyKat]

Dancat says

...although I've never been diagnosed with PSTD, all the symptoms I experienced seem to match.

The title of your post seems to indicate that you have diagnosed yourself, but the quote above seems that you're not sure. I'm going to assume the latter better reflects how you feel about it. Self-diagnosis is impossible.

Also, I think Solara has a point. I thought you needed to meet more than just Criterion A to have PTSD. Clearly, lots of people, even on this forum, have heard stories like yours and do not have PTSD but support someone that does. If Criterion A is all you need, then every supporter has PTSD, which is not the case.

@DanCat: I have a scary thought for you and I hope I'm delivering this gently. Are you absolutely sure that there isn't another traumatic event in your life? I ask because what you describe would also fit the definition triggering.

I would also suggest that you reconsider therapy. Whatever it is, PTSD or something else, it seems that treatment is called for.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

DSM criterion

:

CRITERION A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s),
2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others,
3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent and accidental.
4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

Not everyone who suffers trauma has PTSD, I should imagine fewer have it from Witnessing, fewer still from exposure and yet again fewer from learning. Everyone is more or less sensitive to trauma - biologically speaking so that makes sense.

Only if their symptoms (such as reexperiencing/anxieties) stem from that trauma would it be likely that PTSD was caused by that. It may not be PTSD but there is a chance it could be according to the criteria as set by the DSM, so personally I feel this person shouldn't be isolated until they have been diagnosed one way or another or reach their own decisions against it.

Also not everyone has or knows someone with such terrible life experiences. I like to hope that any way.