"subconcious Anorexia" As A Form Of Self-punishment??

[Abstract]

Every time I thought I was "fine" I found another level of recovery was needed and I have to say my opnion is now that it isn't safe to allow any disordered thinking and eating to remain with ED's. Not only can they still be causing a lot of damage but they can grow all the way back into something very scary as soon as they get a chance.

 

[crazy8]

my opnion is now that it isn't safe to allow any disordered thinking and eating to remain with ED's.

Therein lies the problem: knowing what constitutes "disordered" after these behaviors were encouraged by my abusers for so many years. I think these problems are deeper than I realized. Sigh.

 

[CVC]

Hi, Crazy.

I've been struggling with eating and appetite. I simply don't get hungry much, and only eat sporadically. It started when I first faced my traumatic past a year ago. Like you, I sometimes struggle to identify what's really going on in my mind.

Sometimes I think I have no appetite because of stress hormones (like cortisol), though at others I wonder whether there might be subconscious issues at play. Withholding of food was a familiar threat and punishment for me when I was a child, so it seems plausible my relationship with food is not entirely unproblematic. I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow denying or repressing my appetite as part of some kind of self-punishing impulse.

For a while, I didn't think it mattered much that I was losing weight because I had a lot of body fat. But now, it's getting to the point where I should think about doing something about this trend before it becomes an actual health issue (my BMI is normal now, but the trend hasn't let up at all). So, I have done a lot of thinking about how eating and food is about my relationship with myself. I'd like to think that I am able to respect myself and take care of myself and nurture myself, even when I'm going through hard times. So, I'm trying to see my struggles with feeding myself as an opportunity to cultivate greater trust with myself. I now am trying to follow a regular meal schedule to help guarantee I get the nutrition I need.

All said, though, I'm totally unsure as to what is actually going on, it's all just speculation. It's nice to hear that others have issues not too far off. Feel free to message me if you like!

 

[Abstract]

knowing what constitutes "disordered"

I can see why it would be particularly problematic when it was linked to abuse before. I also think it is "normal" to an extent to not know when something is disordered. If we had that much insight then it is much easier to stop. But you did have an inkling as you posted here and you did get appropriate feedback. Thats how things have progressed for me. Travel along... reality check.... improve... travel .... etc

I found that one of the things that most exposed the reality later on was seeing a ED dietician and having a flexible appropriate mealplan. It made me face a lot of the disordered stuff lurking beneath.

 

[crazy8]

Thanks all for the thoughts. It's such a strange feeling to not really experience hunger very often. I'm realizing, much through this post, that I actually am engaging in many of the same behaviors I did when I had an eating disorder 8 years ago. The only difference is I don't have hunger pangs this time... I think that mind/body "disconnect" you describe, @Abstract, may be much more powerful than I ever imagined it could be. This was a valuable thread for me.

 

[radicalgratitude]

But you did have an inkling as you posted here

Good call!

This was a valuable thread for me.

For me, too, actually, and it is not even my thread. I had my weekly appointment with my T this afternoon, and she asked me how eating has been. If it weren't for this thread, I wouldn't have mentioned my temptations to restrict/overexercise again. I would have said that I've been eating fine, which is true right now. However thoughts come before action and I was on the verge of acting on my temptations. We had a good session about that and I have some homework to go with it. So thank you.