Narcissist Abuse And Second Chance At Healthy Relationships!

[therapybankrupt]

After a 23 year relationship with a narcissist and 9 years in therapy. I finally said It is time to ask my self some serious questions. I need to answer the question as to why I was not recovering from the pain? Why can I not move forward? After some research there it was. I was struck with the fact that I had two choices. I can stay in this debilitating pain that is non healing or grow through the experience of abuse to the other side.

First I needed to accept my truth. It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist so the healing journey has to be about me. At this time I was looking at what I needed to change to recover enough to move forward. Looking inward I had to ask why did I attract this narcissist?

If you do not know what a narcissist personality is here is a website for your reference [DLMURL]http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652[/DLMURL]

I began to write a list of my inner truth's. You know that list of everything you do not want anyone to know about you and you pretend to be someone else.

1) I never loved myself unconditionally.
2) I need others to provide my self worth.
3) I trust everyone if something happens its my fault. I did something wrong.
4) I do for others they will love me.
5) I adjust my values, ideals and boundaries to please others or for approval.
6) I am afraid to say what I think.
7) I avoid confrontation at any cost.
8) If someone says they love you you have to work hard at it.
9) I can't say no. What will they think of me.
10) I have to be the better person and find excuses for the people hurting me.

You get the idea. The list can go on and on. So I had the ah-ha moment. I was not my true self. I pretended to be what was wanted. I was acting as false person and attracted a false person. When we live in our false self we are living in our EGO. For true healing to take place I have to dissolve my ego the false self. Living in pain, shame and blame are not part of being our true self and will only hinder my getting well.

I was never totally happy or whole. I had negative belief's about myself. I looked outside myself for fulfillment. The inner true self has been trying to get love from the outside. I need to begin with letting go of unhealthy ideals and begin to learn unconditional self love. It is inside where my love needs to go before I can get better. I realize,understand and accept.

If I hold on to my past pain history of abuse. I do it at the expense of my destiny. I need to be held accountable not to be held to blame. I need to grow and become better because of the pain. I need to accept there are parts of me that contributed to being susceptible to abuse. It was not my fault. I will continue to be powerless as long as I do not heal the unhealed parts of me. Doing so,change will happen in my life.

 

[dms]

This is a powerful statement!! Good Luck...

 

[therapybankrupt]

@dms Hi I think it really is. So simple but has taken so long to get to the acceptance and understanding needed to see it. I hope others can see it to. Would this not be so wonderful! I hope I did not bore anyone with the the I statements. I looked at it and thought I sound like a narcissist LOL! I used the format to increase my learning and not impose my struggle on any one else. Best wishes of wellness and thanks for reading dms!

 

[WillyKat]

So much of what you said resonates with me. I'm married to a narcissist and I can relate especially to #s 5, 7, 9, and 10. And I too am learning who I really am.

Thanks for posting!

 

[therapybankrupt]

@WillyKat thanks for reading my post. You definately have to relate to 5,7,9 and 10 to have attracted the nacissist in your life. These traits are what gives the supply to them. Of course if you make changes now while in the relationship that could make things much worse for you. This would anger the narcissist and we know the wrath of this. You need to be more stealth then them. There are scores of people who truly understand how dreadful living with a narcissist is.

I do not know your situation and can't say what would be the solution suited for you. If you have children use caution in leaving your narcissist. Only after you have the support and tools you need make a move should you proceed. Have you seen the on You tube the author of the malignant narcissist? His name is Sam Vankin and this is where I started my recovery. I listened to every single one of his video's and was astounded at the truth. He is a narcissist himself. You will better understand and make sense out of your situation. It was life changing for me.

I struggled to find answers from within for years only adding to my suffering. The most damaging thing was I wanted to know what I needed to do to make my narcissist happy. The truth all the while was nothing. I needed to love myself and that is impossible when you are under the influence of the nacissist. There is not enough love for them. Clear understanding of what you are up against can make you stronger. Educate yourself and keep looking for the truth that you need. I hope you can find a way to have peace in your heart and mind! The feelings of being trapped are so conditioned in this type of relationship. My hope is that you can find freedom WillyKat!

tb

 

[WillyKat]

Oh, I'm making changes re: 5, 7, 9, and 10. It's caused a lot of conflict in the house. My son is in college and out of the house most of the time, though not independent yet.

Believe me, I have thought a lot about leaving. I finally got her to read a couple of chapters of my PTSD book. She said (and lied through her teeth) that it wasn't very new to her. Like a narcissist, she is uncompromising, stubborn, rigid, inflexible. I don't think she can even envision having things other than her way.

I also believe she is either OCD or OCPD and she may even have some PTSD herself. If you were to ask her about her childhood, she'd say there were some bad times, but she's fine, which of course is the biggest lie of all.

Anyway, thanks for the kind thoughts.

 

[zaniara]

I can relate to absolutely everything you wrote. And say yes to all of those things. I was like that. And of course I ended up with my ex. But I know that I was programmed for that during my childhood, so I sort of just re-enacted parts of my past. But at least now I'm breaking free from parts of it: and he can't get to me anymore. :)

I really, really don't like the "blame thing"; because that was what kept me trapped in the relationship all along. That and the dream of him changing because of my "love"! :yuck: Now I know better.. And I'm so very grateful for being out of that relationship! I shouldn't have cried when he left me the last time: I should have thanked him! :)

I hope I will never have to learn that lesson again. Because I won't get into a relationship as long as I still can say yes to the questions above.

 

[therapybankrupt]

We all are growing and healing. I am grateful now for having the abusive relationship. I have learned so much about myself through the pain. Putting one foot in front of the other. Learning from one and other and the internet has been enlightening. Constant therapy and my support peeps is the key to keeping me in the forward motion. We can never forget where we came from.

 

[zaniara]

I am grateful now for having the abusive relationship. I have learned so much about myself through the pain.

Those first words.. they're.. Hard to understand completely. I can't say that I'm grateful for that abusive relationship. Maybe I will be, in time. But I know that I learned stuff from the relationship I wouldn't have learned otherwise. And few people has learned me as much as my ex has.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Those first words.

Sorry this is so long it just flowed. This has been a long journey with lots of painfully hard work and lots of support! I would have responded the same as you zaniara even just a few days ago. Somehow I have arrived! I know it sounds strange but being grateful opens me up to move beyond the abusive relationship. It took a ton of stress off.

I do not have to keep asking why anymore. That question went round in my head for years and kept my symptoms cycling. I had made the choice to take the path I did and it was a difficult journey I stayed way to long in it with illusions of what was best and that people could be changed..

I was not equipped with what I needed to know to not take the path with "prince charming". I did not listen to my inner self either because the first time I met him I left in disgust. He tracked me down and chased me. He asked me to live with him when he got a job out of town. I refused because my life was good and I did not want to give it all up. We were together every day. He drove back and forth.

A couple of months later he upped the ante and asked me if I would marry him? I was getting older and this was the order of things so I thought. Get married and have children and live happily ever after. I thought surely If he was asking me that god had sent him so I fell head over heals in....... He was so sharp in his manipulation. I fell hard and fast. It was a dream.

Before I had a chance to land my feet on the ground. I was married and pregnant that year in a city with no family or friends. It was a good for two years. I then realized after my second child was born the following year I was in big trouble. I called mom and she told me marriage takes work. It isn't easy. From that day forward I did what I had to do for my children and marriage. I could not give up on making it work! I did attempt to leave two times but I stayed with promises he could never keep.

With the support of friends I left to never come back the third time. I left after physical exhaustion, emotional abuse, rape, isolation and financial ruin. I left in denial about his cross dressing. This lasted over twenty years. I worked so hard to be the perfect wife and mother. I left with stockholm syndrome and till the last six months have seen the light that my marriage was a lie. He never loved me. He is not capable.

I lost my adult children for six years following the divorce. They only heard one side and had been gas-lighted by dad and overprotected and shielded by me since birth. I decided early on not to ever involve them in the marriage/divorce issues. I believed it was an issue not for them to concern themselves with. Another misconception on my part. They were hurting and It was my belief at the time that I could save them from pain.

I forgave them and they have forgiven me. I now this week accept the kids can only treat me by what they have heard and hear about me and the situation. I can only imagine what was said for them to drop their mom when she was at the bottom. Although it comes to no surprise now understanding the narcissistic personality traits they were dealing with all their life. I also set this up because I never let them know the full truth.

It can be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship in a one sided story. My relationship with the children is strained and I often feel like I am walking on eggs. They show signs of being uncomfortable with me too. So this also is another step to healing I have to deal with. I need to be truthful with them somehow. I am not sure how this can play out. I need to step up and be a respected mother. All in time.

Back to the point of me being grateful. I have gained so many tools and so much knowledge as a result of that abusive relationship and loss of my children. I am not happy with the person who dished it out and I have to forgive him. Another difficult step to healing. This entire experience almost killed me but I am here today and I will never forget the lessons I have been taught. So I need this horrible experience to grow and learn? Right?

Where I am heading is a mystery but I am sick of being stuck in the pain. I will do anything to move out and be free. It will take as long as it takes. I need to feel my emotions and let it happen as I am finding ways to move forward in my journey.

tb

 

[Pietro]

You know that list of everything you do not want anyone to know about you and you pretend to be someone else.

Just saw this thread. I have been thinking about this issue a lot recently; even have a recent post in my diary specifically about narcissists in my life. ;) I'm not currently in a relationship, but all relationships I've had in the past have been with women with at least some narcissistic tendencies. Which makes sense, since I was raised by narcissists.

Your list is my profile as well -- that of the codependent. Narcissists and codependents need each other. They feed off of each other.

Congratulations on your revelation and your progress. :) Hoping I continue to make progress in this area as well.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I can't feel anything. I'm beyond sad into numb, checked out. This thread expresses a lot of how I'm feeling. I don't understand how to move forward after a lifetime of being surrounded by narcissists and being taught that I cannot care for myself or that my needs are inherently bad, problems.

My dad was not a narcissist, but he married two. The first one had me, and the second one pressured him for years to abandon my mom and me. He struggled with this. I often wonder if it caused him to develop dementia that his wife wanted him to cut me out, and he did. I'll never know because she succeeded in cutting us off for the last 8 years of his life, and when I finally saw him again on his deathbed he could not communicate. He seemed sorry.

I am codependent by nature; I can't function on my own. It reminds me of how they tie a string around a baby elephant's foot and when its older it things it can't escape the same string. But it's more than that. I am not worth taking care of, and I was taught helplessness through violent emotional abuse. My mother found many ways to punish me and make me feel bound to her. She moved us constantly so I could not form attachments aside from her. She threatened suicide, saying I was a burden. Once when I was 12 and didn't want to go to bed, she grabbed a garbage bag and gathered all my jigsaw puzzles -- I loved puzzles -- threw all of them in the bag and took off, didn't come home for 30 minutes or something. All my puzzles were gone. I cried myself to sleep sometimes. But she was always there. She's still there, asking if she can make me food, help me. I spent years being aloof and hyperindependent, but collapsed from this and saught refuge in relationships. I feel like no one has ever shown me that my needs matter, and I gravitate towards people that reinforce this message. I don't know how to sort it out. I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship because I'm paralyzed on my own.

People say to look at myself, to be okay with myself as I am, to learn to love myself, "reparent" myself. Everyone who says this has family and supports and I don't know how to apply this advice. I feel like I do love myself, have persevered through a lot of hardships and faught back against the message that I shouldn't go to college, that I was a bad investment. I believe I have a good heart and care about people, but everyone ends up judging me and punishing me in the end.

I'm sorry I'm not being coherent. I appreciated the posts and am trying to express something. Confusion. Relating to the pain described. Affliction.