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Talking About Myself Has Me Start Falling Apart - Trapped.
- Post starter Abstract
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #75
Thanks everyone! It's funny as so often I expect such different responses to what I write than the ones I get and am therefore faced by how pervasive my self judgement and self abuse is. I was a bit shocked to see all the positivity and encouragement. :confused::)
And yes everyone - it being soon was much better in terms of getting my sorry self there!
I did it and it is done for now. I went into that useful dissociated nothing-is-touching-me state rather that the freaking out one for which I am grateful. I think I think I am dead when I go like that. I don't know how to explain it as I don't mean that in a literal or negative sense. I just am not living so things don't matter. Part of that is not feeling things physically. Dissociation has it's uses.
Didn't let myself go home after for a few hours as I was at risk of hurting myself in a not nice way. I can't say I was totally successful at avoiding it but it is minor. On that topic I am extremely grateful that old self harm marks on my breast have faded as that would have made the embarrassment worse. My immune system is expressing the stress more than me - a rash over my breast, chest and face.
The staff were wonderful. I think in that respect it is the best hospital or challenging procedure experience I have ever had. They were kind, intuitive, efficient and seemed very knowledgeable.
The first phase examination could have gone very wrong. I went in and there were two drs there. A male dr who was learning the ropes from the female. When it came to the detailed physical examination she asked me if I minded if it was a teaching session with him doing the exam. This is the type of situation where I often loose my normal personality entirely and loose the ability to say no or anything else.
I was not able to say no of course and sat silent for a few seconds with a slight inane smile.. I then said "it should be OK". but they both picked up on something and said I did not have to at all if I did not want. Somehow I managed to say that that might be better. Lots of credit to them for the way they handled it and not much to myself although it is an improvement from the past.
I had every possible test - they were very thorough - and three biopsies and have to go back next week for the results. There was no reassurance that it was probably nothing but they seldom do that and I am still unaffected by fears of cancer at present - that part feels fairly irrelevant.
I am very grateful this is a breast issue rather than something that would be more difficult to tolerate. Examination wise that is. Grateful too that I presently have the capacity to be grateful. Sure all will be well. Especially if they don't have to touch me again!:p
And yes everyone - it being soon was much better in terms of getting my sorry self there!
I did it and it is done for now. I went into that useful dissociated nothing-is-touching-me state rather that the freaking out one for which I am grateful. I think I think I am dead when I go like that. I don't know how to explain it as I don't mean that in a literal or negative sense. I just am not living so things don't matter. Part of that is not feeling things physically. Dissociation has it's uses.
Didn't let myself go home after for a few hours as I was at risk of hurting myself in a not nice way. I can't say I was totally successful at avoiding it but it is minor. On that topic I am extremely grateful that old self harm marks on my breast have faded as that would have made the embarrassment worse. My immune system is expressing the stress more than me - a rash over my breast, chest and face.
The staff were wonderful. I think in that respect it is the best hospital or challenging procedure experience I have ever had. They were kind, intuitive, efficient and seemed very knowledgeable.
The first phase examination could have gone very wrong. I went in and there were two drs there. A male dr who was learning the ropes from the female. When it came to the detailed physical examination she asked me if I minded if it was a teaching session with him doing the exam. This is the type of situation where I often loose my normal personality entirely and loose the ability to say no or anything else.
I was not able to say no of course and sat silent for a few seconds with a slight inane smile.. I then said "it should be OK". but they both picked up on something and said I did not have to at all if I did not want. Somehow I managed to say that that might be better. Lots of credit to them for the way they handled it and not much to myself although it is an improvement from the past.
I had every possible test - they were very thorough - and three biopsies and have to go back next week for the results. There was no reassurance that it was probably nothing but they seldom do that and I am still unaffected by fears of cancer at present - that part feels fairly irrelevant.
I am very grateful this is a breast issue rather than something that would be more difficult to tolerate. Examination wise that is. Grateful too that I presently have the capacity to be grateful. Sure all will be well. Especially if they don't have to touch me again!:p
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Abstract glad to hear things are working out on this. I will be thinking about you, and hoping for good results.
Your quote below, I have seen that in my friend. Strange thing is I didnt realize it until reading your post.
Your quote below, I have seen that in my friend. Strange thing is I didnt realize it until reading your post.
Good for you giving off the vibe that it was not okay for someone else to do the exam and kudos to them for picking it up. Like you, I probably would have agreed, though I would have hated it. After all, there is a reason I have a female ob gyn.
My thoughts will be with you over this next week hoping for good results. I'm glad they were thorough.
My thoughts will be with you over this next week hoping for good results. I'm glad they were thorough.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
Very very well done Abstract! A really tough situation and you negotiated it very well. Took the opening when offered, gave them enough to see you were struggling. Super job!
- Post starter
- #80
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. It is very much appreciated.
Aj1, I have only recently had more clarity about this way I react and haven't yet found the best words for it. It has made me end up in trouble many times.
MovinOn, sorry it made you spacey. Thank you for sharing as I am struggling with self judgement. See sawing between thinking I am unaffected and am totally overreacting and being pathetic. My favourite state of mind it seems. :meh:
Britt, I think him being male was one thing but the whole dynamic would have been very bad for me. Doubling up on the examination; two people doing it, discussing me which would have made me feel like an object etc. That and the power dynamic would have set me off way more.
Eleanor, you are extremely generous to see it that way but I shall attempt to accept what you say with grace!
One place I dont get this type of rash I presently have is where it is now. Interestingly across my decollete. Strange how the body expresses itself sometimes.
I hit on something helpful half way through this experience which I will use again. The whole process took about 2 and a half hours and in the middle of that, whilst waiting in a waiting room, I started feeling taking a downward turn. I had a pashmina/scarf with me, coincidently, and I wrapped it very tightly around my shoulders and upper body and did some subtle rocking. Decided to not care about what others may think. I found it quite comforting. I can see me now going around on the hottest day with one. Inconspicuous!
Aj1, I have only recently had more clarity about this way I react and haven't yet found the best words for it. It has made me end up in trouble many times.
MovinOn, sorry it made you spacey. Thank you for sharing as I am struggling with self judgement. See sawing between thinking I am unaffected and am totally overreacting and being pathetic. My favourite state of mind it seems. :meh:
Britt, I think him being male was one thing but the whole dynamic would have been very bad for me. Doubling up on the examination; two people doing it, discussing me which would have made me feel like an object etc. That and the power dynamic would have set me off way more.
Eleanor, you are extremely generous to see it that way but I shall attempt to accept what you say with grace!
One place I dont get this type of rash I presently have is where it is now. Interestingly across my decollete. Strange how the body expresses itself sometimes.
I hit on something helpful half way through this experience which I will use again. The whole process took about 2 and a half hours and in the middle of that, whilst waiting in a waiting room, I started feeling taking a downward turn. I had a pashmina/scarf with me, coincidently, and I wrapped it very tightly around my shoulders and upper body and did some subtle rocking. Decided to not care about what others may think. I found it quite comforting. I can see me now going around on the hottest day with one. Inconspicuous!
Very belated congratulations and encouragement to you Abstract. I relate entirely to the inability to say no in any other than very subtle ways, and so definite relief that the professionals involved were, well, professional enough, and perceptive enough, to notice. I can only hope that sometimes, when the world does us a favour like that, it goes some way to strengthening the assertive response that finds it so hard to see daylight in us.
And well done for the scarf discovery. It's odd, I've recently noticed that I quite unconsciously hug myself in a sort of a way when I'm really distressed. On first learning of this, I felt self conscious and embarrassed and vowed to stop doing it. But then I did try to stop, and realised how much it helped me, and how much more vulnerable I feel when I need to do it and don't. So... I'm just going to, and yes, even in public. It probably looks less spectacular and weird than the heightened melt down I would have if i didn't.
Really really keeping everything twisted, crissed and crossed for good results and no further procedures.
You did a mighty job with this you know...
Maddog
And well done for the scarf discovery. It's odd, I've recently noticed that I quite unconsciously hug myself in a sort of a way when I'm really distressed. On first learning of this, I felt self conscious and embarrassed and vowed to stop doing it. But then I did try to stop, and realised how much it helped me, and how much more vulnerable I feel when I need to do it and don't. So... I'm just going to, and yes, even in public. It probably looks less spectacular and weird than the heightened melt down I would have if i didn't.
Really really keeping everything twisted, crissed and crossed for good results and no further procedures.
You did a mighty job with this you know...
Maddog
- Post starter
- #82
Thanks MD. I hug myself too. I never thought of it until I saw someone suggest it. It is now one of my ways of self soothing. I am grateful I now have ways of self soothing and use them as up until a few years ago I didn't know how.
It isn't cancer as the biopsies were negative - clear. It is some sort of unusual mutated lymph node. They are unsure why and what is going on and I am therefore going to have surgery. Also as a double check on the biopsy as it is unusual. It is possible it is nothing at all and just a random thing.
I am not as concerned about the surgery. It is on my decolletes and I don't feel pain much. It will be the whole thing of going in and people and all that that will be more challenging but grateful I won't have to have my breasts prodded and put through the wringer again. It will be a couple of weeks or so.
Odd as I dissociated suddenly and much more deeply when she said it was clear. Was stuck in the reception area for a while but managed to get going after a bit. All in all this has been fairly uneventful and gone better than it could have.
Thanks everyone for the support. Quite proud of myself too as normally I wouldn't ask for it or even be able to tolerate it. Haven't told friends or family of course but that's OK and I find peoples responses are seldom helpful for me.
It isn't cancer as the biopsies were negative - clear. It is some sort of unusual mutated lymph node. They are unsure why and what is going on and I am therefore going to have surgery. Also as a double check on the biopsy as it is unusual. It is possible it is nothing at all and just a random thing.
I am not as concerned about the surgery. It is on my decolletes and I don't feel pain much. It will be the whole thing of going in and people and all that that will be more challenging but grateful I won't have to have my breasts prodded and put through the wringer again. It will be a couple of weeks or so.
Odd as I dissociated suddenly and much more deeply when she said it was clear. Was stuck in the reception area for a while but managed to get going after a bit. All in all this has been fairly uneventful and gone better than it could have.
Thanks everyone for the support. Quite proud of myself too as normally I wouldn't ask for it or even be able to tolerate it. Haven't told friends or family of course but that's OK and I find peoples responses are seldom helpful for me.
quaintpapercut
Gold Member
You put up boundaries :woot:!! That's awesome. You should feel very proud of yourself. It seems like such a small thing but really for people who suffer from our afflictions its a HUGE deal. I had a medical procedure done recently as well and was able to communicate that I wasn't comfortable and asked for accomodations. I never would have been able to do that in the past and for me it showed that baby step by baby step small changes are occurring. I think you need to give yourself a lot of credit :tup:
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