Sufferer Ptsd After Husband's Affair

[Littlelely]

Hello everybody,

I am new here. I want to let you know something I've been battling with in hopes that I find someone with experience that my shed some light.

My husband of 18 years had an affair with a coworker now 2 years ago. We have medical offices and I used to work there also. We have more than one office so while I worked on one office they had encounters in the other one and vice versa. I found out as we traveled together and he got a text from her. He admitted it right away, he could not help him self.

At that moment I had literally lost my mind. He was not the sweet man I had known. But more than that I had a lot of physical reactions. To make the story short I developed panic attacks by the second day of finding out and I was diagnosed with PTSD 6 months later.

My husband regretted everything he did and broke off the relation same day I found out. My first reaction was to leave and never see him again. However, we have to sons and it was harsh on them. My parents are supportive of me, but anybody I spoke with including the therapists recommended not making any decisions. So I never moved and I let him stay in the home to try to work things out.

I have to say he has been very supportive through out these 2 years. But they have been close to hell for me and not very good for him.

I apologize for giving private information but I want to be as honest as possible. We have been intimate and although not perfect sometimes I have been able to feel close and happy again. However, there are times when my brain goes off gets flooded with pictures and I just can't do it and he gets upset.

I have been taking medication, I have therapy, I pray like crazy and I have even very involved to I don't stay in a cocoon like I wish I would. But for reason this affair was too much and it don't know what else I can do! My husband tells me we are not going to make it because I can't move on. But it's not that easy. How can I keep a marriage if I can't be intimate? Has this happened to anybody? I feel it should not even be my fault that I got so sick! I'm feel I'm doing everything I can, am I missing something? Please help!

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

There can be many reasons why we react as we do to a situation and a lot of that can be because of other things in our past. I am sorry your trust was betrayed in this way and that you are still struggling. Your husband has to realise that you feel as you feel and give you time.

I am assuming you have had trauma in your past because of the PTSD diagnoses? Trauma as defined by the PTSD criterion A:
Diagnostic Criteria for 309.81 (F43.10) Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
Note: The following criteria apply to adults, adolescents, and children older than 6 years. For children 6 years and younger, see corresponding criteria.

A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s),
2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others,
3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent and accidental.
4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

Note: Criterion A4 does not apply to exposure to electronic media, television, movies, or pictures, unless the exposure is work related.
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/posttraumatic-stress-disorder.7/[/DLMURL]

Adustment Disorders also cover traumatic or life changing experiences. [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/adjustment-disorders.4/[/DLMURL]

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,
I am not trying to be rude, but being cheated on cannot cause PTSD as it does not meet criterion A of the DSM diagnosis.

Have you suffered from other trauma in your life? Oftentimes people will experience something horrific (that meets criterion A) and think they're ok. Then along comes something that doesn't rise to the level of being a criterion A trauma and they are triggered. It is important to see that the original trauma caused the delayed onset PTSD that was triggered by, in your case, cheating. Is this the case?

 

[Lucycat]

I was thinking the same as the other two replies. I am sorry for what you have gone through. Relationship breakdowns are never easy and they do give the dreadful sense of betrayal. I am sure many of your symptoms feel like it is PTSD and they may even overlap, but I am very surprised if you have been given that diagnosis without some pre-existing trauma.

Please don't feel that you are being 'got at'. We just like to get the facts right so that we can give appropriate advice and support. We are a very helpful and supportive bunch and you will find stacks of information on this forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Littlelely,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

A relationship cannot be as healthy as it can be, until the people in that relationship are healthy themselves. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to be the best that you can be and get the help that you need. Find a therapist to help you with your PTSD and a couples counselor to help you and your husband with your relationship.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[bell]

Welcome. And I also want to add this: Unfortunately, and recently, PTSD is seen as kind of "the" diagnosis to have. As in, see? You cheated on me and I got PTSD! SEE how bad you hurt me, you gave me this terrible disorder. If this is the case, then you are giving them way too much power over you and that needs to stop... for your own sake.

To this, I have several comments, but I'll keep them at 2:

1. Like as has been said above, if you don't meet Criterion A, for this or for something else in your past, then PTSD is unlikely. THIS IS TOTALLY OKAY. (In all caps because I would be shouting if I could here.) In short, PTSD is not something you want, even though it may be in the news a lot. It really, really, really sucks. So, hope that you actually don't have PTSD and have something else, because, unlike PTSD, they can sometimes be "cured."

2. If this has triggered something from your past that does meet Criterion A, then start blaming THAT for your PTSD, not your asshat cheating husband (sorry, but cheating, to me, is total asshat behavior). It's not until you own up to what actually caused your PTSD that you will start to get the help that you need and will move forward.

 

[Littlelely]

Hi,
I am not trying to be rude, but being cheated on cannot cause PTSD as it does not meet criterion A of the DSM diagnosis.

Have you suffered from other trauma in your life? Oftentimes people will experience something horrific (that meets criterion A) and think they're ok. Then along comes something that doesn't rise to the level of being a criterion A trauma and they are triggered. It is important to see that the original trauma caused the delayed onset PTSD that was triggered by, in your case, cheating. Is this the case?

I do need to say that all they have been focusing on is on the affair. However, I did mentioned to the psychiatrist and psychologist that i do have "pictures" or mini videos of me being dragged into a room by two male cousins. These faint memories have been with me mainly more since I became a teen. However, I have always doubted myself because I can't complete remember everything. I remember their faces, what they asked me to do and me crying so my mom would not leave me there. I remember that when I screamed my mom took me with her and everything stopped. I wasn't in school so I most have been 4 yrs old I think.

My doctor does believe that what I have now is a reaction to something that might have happened before but I just can't remember. I did have EMDR and it was horrible. I had horrible feelings and reactions when she focused when I was small. But I can't remember, and I don't think I want to.

All of you bring a great point. I do appreciate your knowledge. I don't feel judge at all, I think knowledge is power. So the more information I get, I could be a better resource for myself. Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hope you stick around as I think you can learn a lot. I don't have repressed memories, so I can't personally comment on those, but I know that others do have them. Perhaps it would help you to make a post about it and ask others for their experiences with recovering memories and such? (Not everyone comes into the intro forum.)

Others have had negative experiences with EMDR, and there is a lengthy thread about it... I just to say you're not alone in this respect.

In a way I think your therapist is doing you a disservice by focusing so much on the affair. Yes, it should be addressed, but since you have prior trauma I think it would be best to focus on healing from that (and in turn you'll hopefully be able to cope with the affair a bit better).

My triggering event would sound so incredibly stupid to an outsider that I hardly ever discuss it. I never processed the triggering event as it doesn't even rise to the level of being traumatic. But, I have processed the original trauma and the triggering event has been brought into focus and I can see it for what it is.

Welcome to the forum. I think you can learn a lot here! (Be sure to check out the wikis too.)

 

[Abstract]

My doctor does believe that what I have now is a reaction to something that might have happened before but I just can't remember

Littleley,
I truly wonder how often this happens when people apparently are having a reaction to something else. For me I would have sworn to ends of the earth that other previous stuff had never affected me and that all my distress was about a mishap with my therapist. That is what it felt like. I along with others was left shocked by my intense reaction to something that should have just been very distressing.

Now slowly but surely the emotions about past stuff have come out or been more impossible to avoid and I see the other event as a triggering event just in the way Solara mentioned. The avoidance meant I was avoiding the actual trauma which I would have continued to do without being forced to look at PTSD and what causes it. It was so important for me to start accepting that as somehow I need to face the past.

I also think you show great maturity in your response here - a big credit to you.

If your husbands actions have become linked in your mind to a trigger of something else then you need to be very patient with yourself. Give yourself time and do lots of reading. Your mind will deal with what it is able to when it able.

 

[Abstract]

@Littlelely,

Just wondering how you are going. I hope you continue to look around here.

 

[mlittle]

I have been taking medication, I have therapy, I pray like crazy and I have even very involved to I don't stay in a cocoon like I wish I would. But for reason this affair was too much and it don't know what else I can do! My husband tells me we are not going to make it because I can't move on. But it's not that easy. How can I keep a marriage if I can't be intimate? Has this happened to anybody? I feel it should not even be my fault that I got so sick! I'm feel I'm doing everything I can, am I missing something? Please help!

I feel your pain. I am dealing with the same exact issue.

November 2013, I discovered that my husband had carried on an inappropriate relationship with a neighbor. I found out and they apologized and said it was just 1 kiss and they regretted it. But for weeks, I was catching him in lies and a few times with her. For the first time in our 18 year marriage, he spoke of divorce. Eventually in April, I asked him to leave after catching him at the neighbor’s house on a Saturday night (when he told me he was with a work buddy). A week later, I confronted the husband of the neighbor and it all stopped. They have since divorced but my husband remains with me and our 3 daughters. We built this life together, I was still deeply in love with my husband-I am still deeply in love with my husband. Eventually spring turned to summer, then to fall-all the while we seemed to fall deeper in love with one another. He texted me all the time and was so romantic and loving-more than ever in our entire relationship. Then this past year around the anniversary-all the old feelings of betrayal returned. I became hyper-vigilant of something happening, paranoid that I was going to be blindsided again. He says we can’t move on if I keep dredging this up and he can’t live like this. Our fights have been horrific lately, but he is still home, working on us, giving us time. I’m afraid of sabotaging our marriage because I can’t move on. Our physical relationship has never been better. Pardon me for saying our sex life is so fantastic, I never imagined it could be so satisfying. Before the “affair” we might have been intimate 6-10 times a year. It didn’t help that I worked as a nurse nights and he spent a big part of the week home since he only works Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. (allowing him time to see the neighbor who was a stay at home mom).
Im finding myself reliving the ordeal and feeling anxious about our future even though he’s given me no reason to doubt his intentions. I don’t know how to make this stop.

 

[adi]

This lady could have ptsd like symptoms but not necesarily full blown ptsd. She may have complex ptsd.

Ptsd is from a one off sudden trauma and cptsd is fron ongoing trauma like affairs abuse or perhaps bullying.

If she is having flashbacks and anxiety these are ptsd symptoms not full blown ptsd. Ptsd like synptoms are just as devestating but not so ongoing as it is a trauma caused by heartbreak etc from a relationship cause.

I am sure this lady is suffering greatly and a little sympathy and kind words is what she needs not quotes on what ptsd is. She has ptsd like symptoms associated from heartbreak and emotional pain. Not full blown ptsd im sure but very real and painful