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- #49
The kernel of truth is that I am not "special." The suffering and cruelty I have been experiencing, the capriciousness, the unfairness and bitter truth that humans lack the compassion they seek, is universal.
I must again acknowledge that my hope that their is a God who will be what I want it to be does not exist. My belief in such a God actually keeps me in more pain because then I cannot see the reason I have had to content with so much evil in my life. If I dispense with a God, then the evil makes more sense. Nobody is watching. I am the one watching. Rather than continue to feel abandoned by God, I must accept there never was a divine parent to abandon me in the first place.
Rather than see my pain as particular and special, I see that my Dean who cut my contract and then cut half my work load for another 3 months does similar things to everyone, which has earned her a reputation. I just didn't see it before. Now I've fallen under her gaze and received the same kind of nasty treatment as others have said they have received. I realize now I missed a chance at empathy with them. I didn't feel what they felt. Now I feel it. Now I sort of understand what they might have felt. There is a shock, then a desire to know who or what has conspired against me, then comes acceptance that knowing doesn't help because there is nothing I can do. She has the power, and I am in a nearly powerless Omega position. She's Alpha and is defending her throne with a vengeance toward everyone.
One thing I can do is decide what I am going to think, feel and do. I've decided that it's okay to feel the sting for a little while. It's normal. But it will pass. I will use the extra freedom of schedule to focus on my physical health and strength. I will also pursue my own research and writing interests if I can (let's see how my energy is first!).
I am also interested in friendship. I want to have a friend who understands me. I'm tired of my inherited friends' lack of questioning and thinking. I need an intelligent and fun friend! :) I'm so tired of pretending. Life should not feel like kindergarten.
As I'm healing the wound of my mother's cruelty and withholding, I'm hopeful that I will also become more aware of others' feelings.
I must again acknowledge that my hope that their is a God who will be what I want it to be does not exist. My belief in such a God actually keeps me in more pain because then I cannot see the reason I have had to content with so much evil in my life. If I dispense with a God, then the evil makes more sense. Nobody is watching. I am the one watching. Rather than continue to feel abandoned by God, I must accept there never was a divine parent to abandon me in the first place.
Rather than see my pain as particular and special, I see that my Dean who cut my contract and then cut half my work load for another 3 months does similar things to everyone, which has earned her a reputation. I just didn't see it before. Now I've fallen under her gaze and received the same kind of nasty treatment as others have said they have received. I realize now I missed a chance at empathy with them. I didn't feel what they felt. Now I feel it. Now I sort of understand what they might have felt. There is a shock, then a desire to know who or what has conspired against me, then comes acceptance that knowing doesn't help because there is nothing I can do. She has the power, and I am in a nearly powerless Omega position. She's Alpha and is defending her throne with a vengeance toward everyone.
One thing I can do is decide what I am going to think, feel and do. I've decided that it's okay to feel the sting for a little while. It's normal. But it will pass. I will use the extra freedom of schedule to focus on my physical health and strength. I will also pursue my own research and writing interests if I can (let's see how my energy is first!).
I am also interested in friendship. I want to have a friend who understands me. I'm tired of my inherited friends' lack of questioning and thinking. I need an intelligent and fun friend! :) I'm so tired of pretending. Life should not feel like kindergarten.
As I'm healing the wound of my mother's cruelty and withholding, I'm hopeful that I will also become more aware of others' feelings.