kimbabylon
New Here
I am so consumed, overwhelmed today with guilt about what I did to my partner this morning (and over the weekend) that I can't function. Hiding in my office with the door closed, hoping no one will ask me for anything and trying desperately not to crawl under the desk and cry.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010, after returning from nearly 3 straight years in war zones (Iraq and Afghanistan), for which I was neither trained or prepared (I am not military but was living in the same places with the military.) Turns out I had been suffering from PTSD since my teens following a sexual assault (the first of two in my life) for which I never got help. In fact, my therapist said I had actually experienced all but one of the "main" traumas that lead to PTSD, so it was not a surprising diagnosis at all.
I have a wonderful partner who puts up with a great deal from me. We met just after I returned from Afghanistan and just before I was diagnosed. He supported me through my PTSD therapy (which only lasted a few months and I'm now beginning to think was not as effective as it could have been.) He loves me and is good to me. Our first year together was magical and special and then, for a variety of reasons - a big one of course being my PTSD, we had 2 really rocky years from which we are only now beginning to recover. We turned a corner this summer and have been doing really well. We've been in couples therapy for about a year now. I've been working extremely hard and have managed to get my PTSD largely, though not entirely, under control. The holidays make it harder. But when I do have one of my rages, the devastation is so monumental, I'm terrified we might never recover.
I had one on Saturday night. We went to a party that just didn't work for me - not my crowd, felt isolated, tried to engage but it kept falling flat. Managed to stay for 3 hours but barely (hadn't helped that I was accidentally in an extremely crowded mall for an hour earlier that day which took me hours to "recover" from). For the last hour he was off somewhere talking to someone and I got myself worked up to the point that when he returned, I told him I needed to leave immediately. I apologized in advance as we were getting our coats on for what I knew was coming but even though I saw it happening, I couldn't stop myself from screaming at him when we got in the car and all the way home and after. Complete meltdown, to the point of dissociating and waking up on the bathroom floor. I had ruined his evening - he was having a good time and getting out is important for us as it was something we were not doing, but missing, while we were having our rocky years - and then yelled and screamed at him, over nothing.
I woke up in the morning and felt mortified and gulit-ridden about my behavior. I try to explain to him *how* it happened but he just says "you always have a reason." I'm not meaning to excuse my behavior - there is no excuse for it - but explain it. I always think understanding something somehow helps. It helps me. He was understandably hurt and angry that day and we started out screaming at one another about what had happened the night before but in the end we did well - made it through the day, talked some. Monday I woke up crying, having dreamed all night about what I had done to him and feeling bad but we made it through the day again and talked at night and I really thought we were going to get through this one ok.
But this morning he got upset about some household things and I felt attacked and it felt unfair that he was mad at me for what I thought were little things. I tried talking to him calmly and asking questions to understand the problem so it wouldn't happen again but that only served to really anger him which is a trigger for me and I lost it. I tried to walk away and was going to get myself to work so as not to continue the fight (because I knew I was verging on being out of control) but he screamed and insisted I get in the car since I had yelled earlier that "I couldn't be so late to work." We had a horrific fight, all the way to work in the car, which got particularly ugly after he said the talking we did the night before (which he had said then was good) was really only me "beating him down" again (even though there was no yelling or anything and we said how good it was at the end.) I was yelling and throwing my arms around in our tiny car and accidentally hit his glasses and broke them. I feel terrible; it really was an accident. But he is convinced it was intentional. And is saying that all of our plans for the rest of the year (of which there are many including a whole week's vacation with friends) are cancelled.
I understand his anger and his reaction. I do. I love him desperately and don't ever mean to hurt him (or yell at him or take my rages out on him.) After I do, I don't know what to do. I know it shouldn't be about me - he's the one who got hurt, he's the victim (of my rages.) What do you do when both people need the other one to help them heal but can't get past the hurt? It feels like a horribly vicious cycle - I lash out and hurt him (truly unintentionally but that doesn't mean he is hurt any less) and need him to help in the aftermath of an episode and at the same time he needs me to heal but is so angry at me he can't even bring himself to talk to me. I don't feel any anger (I rarely feel any after the episode is passed) or feel like it was his fault-my triggers are my problem. I feel consumed with guilt and anguish that he is suffering ever, but especially because of me but my own actions are what are keeping me from being able to help him.
I can't function today, can't think about anything else, can't concentrate, but feel even more guilt for feeling bad because what right do I have to feel bad when I caused all the problem? The fact that he won't talk to me is eating me up and every time I reach out his reaction is that "I ruined our whole weekend" and "I ruined today for him." I feel utterly alone without the only person who can help me, and utterly helpless and desperate at not being able to help the person I love more than everything.
How do I stop this downward spiral??
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010, after returning from nearly 3 straight years in war zones (Iraq and Afghanistan), for which I was neither trained or prepared (I am not military but was living in the same places with the military.) Turns out I had been suffering from PTSD since my teens following a sexual assault (the first of two in my life) for which I never got help. In fact, my therapist said I had actually experienced all but one of the "main" traumas that lead to PTSD, so it was not a surprising diagnosis at all.
I have a wonderful partner who puts up with a great deal from me. We met just after I returned from Afghanistan and just before I was diagnosed. He supported me through my PTSD therapy (which only lasted a few months and I'm now beginning to think was not as effective as it could have been.) He loves me and is good to me. Our first year together was magical and special and then, for a variety of reasons - a big one of course being my PTSD, we had 2 really rocky years from which we are only now beginning to recover. We turned a corner this summer and have been doing really well. We've been in couples therapy for about a year now. I've been working extremely hard and have managed to get my PTSD largely, though not entirely, under control. The holidays make it harder. But when I do have one of my rages, the devastation is so monumental, I'm terrified we might never recover.
I had one on Saturday night. We went to a party that just didn't work for me - not my crowd, felt isolated, tried to engage but it kept falling flat. Managed to stay for 3 hours but barely (hadn't helped that I was accidentally in an extremely crowded mall for an hour earlier that day which took me hours to "recover" from). For the last hour he was off somewhere talking to someone and I got myself worked up to the point that when he returned, I told him I needed to leave immediately. I apologized in advance as we were getting our coats on for what I knew was coming but even though I saw it happening, I couldn't stop myself from screaming at him when we got in the car and all the way home and after. Complete meltdown, to the point of dissociating and waking up on the bathroom floor. I had ruined his evening - he was having a good time and getting out is important for us as it was something we were not doing, but missing, while we were having our rocky years - and then yelled and screamed at him, over nothing.
I woke up in the morning and felt mortified and gulit-ridden about my behavior. I try to explain to him *how* it happened but he just says "you always have a reason." I'm not meaning to excuse my behavior - there is no excuse for it - but explain it. I always think understanding something somehow helps. It helps me. He was understandably hurt and angry that day and we started out screaming at one another about what had happened the night before but in the end we did well - made it through the day, talked some. Monday I woke up crying, having dreamed all night about what I had done to him and feeling bad but we made it through the day again and talked at night and I really thought we were going to get through this one ok.
But this morning he got upset about some household things and I felt attacked and it felt unfair that he was mad at me for what I thought were little things. I tried talking to him calmly and asking questions to understand the problem so it wouldn't happen again but that only served to really anger him which is a trigger for me and I lost it. I tried to walk away and was going to get myself to work so as not to continue the fight (because I knew I was verging on being out of control) but he screamed and insisted I get in the car since I had yelled earlier that "I couldn't be so late to work." We had a horrific fight, all the way to work in the car, which got particularly ugly after he said the talking we did the night before (which he had said then was good) was really only me "beating him down" again (even though there was no yelling or anything and we said how good it was at the end.) I was yelling and throwing my arms around in our tiny car and accidentally hit his glasses and broke them. I feel terrible; it really was an accident. But he is convinced it was intentional. And is saying that all of our plans for the rest of the year (of which there are many including a whole week's vacation with friends) are cancelled.
I understand his anger and his reaction. I do. I love him desperately and don't ever mean to hurt him (or yell at him or take my rages out on him.) After I do, I don't know what to do. I know it shouldn't be about me - he's the one who got hurt, he's the victim (of my rages.) What do you do when both people need the other one to help them heal but can't get past the hurt? It feels like a horribly vicious cycle - I lash out and hurt him (truly unintentionally but that doesn't mean he is hurt any less) and need him to help in the aftermath of an episode and at the same time he needs me to heal but is so angry at me he can't even bring himself to talk to me. I don't feel any anger (I rarely feel any after the episode is passed) or feel like it was his fault-my triggers are my problem. I feel consumed with guilt and anguish that he is suffering ever, but especially because of me but my own actions are what are keeping me from being able to help him.
I can't function today, can't think about anything else, can't concentrate, but feel even more guilt for feeling bad because what right do I have to feel bad when I caused all the problem? The fact that he won't talk to me is eating me up and every time I reach out his reaction is that "I ruined our whole weekend" and "I ruined today for him." I feel utterly alone without the only person who can help me, and utterly helpless and desperate at not being able to help the person I love more than everything.
How do I stop this downward spiral??
