Miscarriage

[Visora]

I don't even know if I should post this. . . . . . or even what I really want to say.

I gave birth to my (still born) little girl at 20 weeks this week, and I have no idea how to deal with it.

To be honest, I hadn't come to terms with the fact that at over 40, I was pregnant from a one night stand with an ex.

I didn't even know I was pregnant until about 8-9 weeks, and basically buried my head in the sand.

The sex we had that night was far from great, and I didn't know what I would do, or how I would cope, so, completely stupidly, I tried to put it to the back of my mind, and not think about it.

It's ashaming to admit how good I am at denial. But now it's a complete nightmare. I hadn't and still haven't told anyone, but it's breaking me apart.

I'd had some bleeding, but thought it was 'normal', but I went to the hospital for a check up, anyway. They were just about to do a scan when my waters broke. They did the scan and I was told my baby was dead, and I gave birth to her, naturally, about 4 hours later.

I don't know how to deal with this. I've been trying to carry on like nothing has happened. I know in my head that's the wrong thing to do. When I was raped (that caused my PTSD), I stuck my head in the sand and pretended it didn't happen. That action was the worse thing I could have done. Now I'm doing the same thing - but I don't know how to behave any differently. I have too many other things to deal with. I don't know how to deal with this.

 

[Fahipe]

My heart goes out to you. I wish I knew what to say to make things better. I couldn't even imagine having to give birth to my still born. I had a miscarriage once when I was younger. Even though I knew it was for the best I was still a bit beside myself. I don't know if this is for the best or not. It was still life. I am just very sorry you are going through this.

 

[Visora]

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you

I've been avoiding this thread, because I seriously regretted posting, because it makes it too real. Avoiding the thread is just the same as I've been avoiding the issue in life. So it's actually easier for me to have few replies, because I don't have to deal with it.

I felt physically fit enough to do 'normal' stuff this weekend, so have thrown myself into it, by just putting on my 'happy mask', and doing all the things expected of me.

I nearly 'lost it', in public today, just talking to someone about something completely unrelated. I'm having a tough time with some other things (finances /lack of work), and we were talking about that. He was being nice to me, which I just couldn't handle. I had to make my excuses and leave. I felt like such an idiot, and now I feel I need to apologise / explain - but I can't :cry:

I know I'm just looking for ways to distract - literally doing anything, anything that stops me thinking. But it's all just distraction.

What's going to happen when I stop distracting, when I totally loose it on front of someone?

 

[Oho]

You are not an idiot. You are going through some very stressful times. If you can try to lose it at home. Or, if you lose it in public, just explain it has just been one of those days. When my mom died I went grocery shopping at a store we always went to. I didn't even make it through the produce department before I started blubbering like an idiot. I can't hide that I've been crying, my eyes get instantly red, along with the splotchiness of my face. Not a good picture. I basically cried throughout the whole store. Don't ask me why I didn't leave. I guess I should have, but I needed to get the shopping done.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

 

[Cubapab]

I am sorry that this happened to you.

I hope that posting, even anonymously, has helped in some way.

I hope this makes sense in some way but I have sometimes thought of PTSD and miscarriage in some similar terms. As far as people's responses. Sometimes people, even family and friends, don't know what to say so they say nothing. The result can be isolation and pain. In either case, you don't need someone to pity you, try to fix it for you or judge you. Only to say I hear you and I care.

I don't know you nor do you know me but I care.