This sounds interesting. I don't quite understand what you mean. Do you mean that we have selves and it is only when we are aware of a certain type of definition of self that we become worried and concerned.
Yes, I believe that we all have selves. I think that the concept of "self" lies upon a spectrum. There are those who know exactly who they are and what they believe and this is reflected in their behavior. Then there are those who have no idea whatsoever who they are or what they believe and again, this is reflected in their behavior. When you have been abused as a child you tend to be whatever you need to be in order to survive, so the formation of the "self" falls by the wayside. I think for me, personally, this is reflected in the fact that I have a million interests but none that I can fully dedicate myself to. I still, to this day, define myself in terms of what others expect of me (to a degree....well now that I think of it, to a high degree!)
But back to what I was saying. I always knew that I was different than everyone else. I just thought it was part of life. It wasn't until I went into the trauma hospital that I learned that it is a psychological issue that is much bigger than I initially thought. Now my (ruminating, obsessing) mind goes into panic mode and thinks "oh great, yet ANOTHER thing that's "wrong" with me!" Its yet another thing that makes me different from everybody else. Its another way that people can point me out as "different"
I remember when I found my "trauma twin" as I call him. He eerily had very similar trauma details that sort of blew my mind for a time and I actually believed he wasn't real. Ok, so to this very day I still wonder if he wasn't real, but I digress. Anyway, he made me feel, for the first time in my life, that I was OK. That all of my feelings of being different from everyone else had finally come to an end. It was nice to know that out of 7 billion people, there was one other person who knew exactly what I was going through. But then along comes the hospital and all of their "self" talk and I am thrown into feeling like an outcast again. Thanks for the label, I love (sarcasm) feeling alone and defective again! Thanks for impressing on me that my "self" is missing something and that I'm not like everyone else. Isn't it bad enough to label me with PTSD and have that be the end of it? Stupid hospital and all their labels! (end of rant!)
What I observed was that when people have a clear sense of self that they act from this and can define themselves well to - I saw that over Xmas where people are firm in belonging and who they belong to and it is something they are just automatically a part of.
And then I wonder if it is the constructs of my mind that prohibit this belonging? I mean everything my mind does is to protect me. I separate myself from, well, everything in order to protect myself. Does this mean I don't have a self? I think in my case it's not a matter of not having a self, rather a protection mechanism. That is, I don't belong to X, Y, or Z simply because I choose not to out of a sense of protection, not because I am "self-less" If this makes any sense!
How did you know this prior self to PTSD? Or is this self one you developed whilst dealing with PTSD?
I'm not sure exactly how to answer these questions. I was diagnosed about 5 years ago and didn't know anything about the concept of "self" at that time. At least not in a technical or psychological way. My whole life I internalized my disorders and just considered it all to be a part of me rather than something external that I am dealing with. I guess you could say I incorporated my disorder into my sense of self and considered myself flawed. For the longest time people have been telling me that PTSD is something that happened to me, not who I am. I couldn't believe this. I could only see myself as weak and flawed. It literally was only within the last few weeks to a month that I have been able to see my PTSD "monster" as something separate from who I am. I am trying to drive the wedge between myself and PTSD deeper and deeper because I see it as the only way to let my true "self" come through and to stop internalizing everything and blaming myself.
So to answer your question, this concept of "self" is something that I have recently developed.
Maybe I'm not even in the right discussion? I don't know. I don't doubt that people have problems with the concept of the "self" but anymore I wonder if my problem is simply safety. Safety is at the root of just about any problem I can name. Its like my self is there, just hidden. Its my safety issue that gets in the way and prevents my true self from basking in the sun, if you know what I mean. I think its hard sometimes to figure out exactly what is going on, but for me, I choose to not think of it so much as an issue of a "self" rather, my "self" is there and is deathly afraid to come out. This is exactly what happened with my inner child....she didn't come out until she knew I'd fight to the death to protect her. Once she felt safe, she came out. I don't see her as much anymore, but she's still there. And she still knows I'd do anything to protect her.
I'm thinking that I need to revisit my puppet therapy. I have a few dozen puppets stashed away in my room. My "self", fittingly enough, is a TURTLE! (Who didn't see that one coming?!?!) My best friend is a cheetah who is "anxiety". We all happily live on a desert island beach together. Don't ask where all of this came from...I was in a dissociative state when my turtle/cheetah/beach story came out in therapy and somehow it all just fits. (My happy place is the Swiss Family Robinson island) know I need to work on safety. I know I need to work on making all my "parts" feel safe so that my true "self" can come out.
To be honest, this is one of the most helpful threads I've read in quite awhile. Sorry for rambling on, but it's helped me to work out a lot of things in my mind. I'm not sure if any of this is helpful to anyone else, or if I'm too off topic. If I am, I'm sorry...
