Undiagnosed New Here, I Think I May Have Ptsd.

[Kcrimescene]

Starting with an accident, and ending with being harmed and having my life threatened by someone who pretended to be my friend, in the past four years I have been through a lot. Way more than I ever though I would.

I don't like admitting it. I know I couldn't stand explaining why or what happened to cause the symptoms I get, but then again I have not been able to open up about it to anybody.

I"m posting because I need to figure this out, and I can't do it without having others I can talk openly about it with. I moved far from the family I grew up with and the only person I am close with, I THINK may be a control freak. I don't know if it's because he really is, or I'm just afraid of men. When I try to talk about my concerns with him on my behavior and what I think the cause is, the conversation gets squashed quickly.

I'm not sure if it is PTSD, but there are some symptoms. I have had periods where I was afraid to leave my house, even my room at times. I used to stay up all night, looking out my window to make sure no one watching me. I have angry outbursts that are hard to control. I believe that people are out to get me, to the point that I want to spy on them (but I can force myself not to do that), and when they speak negatively I sometimes think it's directed at me. Sometimes I will avoid people just so I don't feel like that, but then I will start thinking they're planning something against me while I'm not there. If something reminds me of a bad experience, the thought of that experience becomes stuck in my mind, but it's the panic attacks that I REALLY can't tolerate. I feel like I'm going to die and if anyone tries to help it just makes it worse. Last time I didn't calm down for two hours. I was hyperventilating and thought I was going to have a heart attack.

When it feels like an alarm just went off in your head, and you just have to run, that's a panic attack, right? That's how it felt. If it is my last panic attack was the worst of my life and I don't want to let it get any worse than that. I want to feel better.

I just don't know where to start. I was diagnosed before with Bipolar disorder and later major depressive disorder. A few years ago a doctor mentioned PTSD. I didn't agree, but I also didn't trust doctors then. Any medication I received before either made my negative thoughts worse or tranquilized me too much.

I really hope that's not too much for an introduction post. I needed to share what's going on in my head. I have not told many people I think I might have this. I told my mom but she's miles away. My partner isn't supportive, and I don't know if it's because he can't be or he doesn't want to. I dropped the thought of having it in conversation with a roommate, but I wish I didn't, because I don't know if it's true.

What can I do about it now? It might help to find some techniques from others that really work for them. With no medical insurance I'm not sure where I can seek help.

 

[Em C.]

Do you have an ipad or iphone by any chance? Because there are these apps that I find really helpful and they are free! They are called PTSD Coach and Breathe2Relax. If you don't, search PTSD: National Center for PTSD which has essentially the same thing.

Some things I find helpful are: writing lists of what happened that bother me, writing poems or stories, diary entries or rants; going on a run; listening to music; doing dance by myself; and cleaning. Go on youtube and try guided meditations too! Some of them are kinda hokey but some are pretty good :)

I'm not sure where you live but in some countries/areas there is free or subsidized care through like a hospital or mental health care facilities.

The thing to remember with panic attacks (as stupid as it sounds) is that they will end and then you will go back to being yourself. The wanting to run away can definitely be a part of a panic attack-- its called the flight or flight response and is increased adrenaline in case you are in a dangerous situation and literally need to fight or run.

I've probably had 1000's of panic attacks in my life so if you want someone to talk about it with-- let me know!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It is best to speak about these things with those who are in a similar situation (ie us) simply because we've been there, or to qualified medical professionals because they are trained to help. I hate to say it, but oftentimes reaching out to those who are closest to us doesn't do much good. It's not necessarily because they don't care, but because they simply do not know what to say or do.

I know you don't have insurance, but it could be beneficial to you to seek out a diagnosis. It doesn't really do you any good to try and treat a disorder you may not have. That is, treatment for disorders can vary, and by assuming you have PTSD you may be doing yourself a huge disservice.

Welcome!

 

[Kcrimescene]

Some things I find helpful are: writing lists of what happened that bother me, writing poems or stories, diary entries or rants; going on a run; listening to music; doing dance by myself; and cleaning. Go on youtube and try guided meditations too! Some of them are kinda hokey but some are pretty good :)

Thank you!

I don't have a mobile device but sometimes I write my thoughts down. I write messages to the person that attacked me that I'll never send because I can't stop thinking about it and writing gets it out. I just forget to keep up with it, or don't have time or privacy to write. I will start making time though, especially if I'm getting stuck on negative memories.

Meditation is also something I used to do quite often but lately I just can't bring myself to it. Whenever I try thoughts of being harmed or worked against by others keep rising in my head.

 

[Kcrimescene]

I hate to say it, but oftentimes reaching out to those who are closest to us doesn't do much good. It's not necessarily because they don't care, but because they simply do not know what to say or do.

It doesn't really do you any good to try and treat a disorder you may not have. That is, treatment for disorders can vary, and by assuming you have PTSD you may be doing yourself a huge disservice.

Welcome!

I don't like the way he reacts to my panic attacks. He does and says things that make it worse when it's happening. I know he doesn't mean for it and he doesn't know what he's doing. This isn't good for either of us and having someone that only makes me feel worse when I try to talk about these things is destroying me. Usually he just tells me to shut up about it, or he doesn't want to talk, he'll talk later. Then that never happens.

Yes, I'm also scared of making myself believe I have PTSD when I don't. It could be the milder form or plain anxiety or paranoia. The things that I have witnessed and gone through and my behavior now leads me to believe I have it. For a while I knew something wasn't right, I just couldn't figure out what.

 

[Em C.]

@Kcrimescene I find the images come up too, but if you just keep doing it then it can help. I'm a dancer so what I do sometimes is put on one song on repeat and choreograph a dance in my head. If you paint or act or anything like that the same kinda thing would work. :)

Also, positive imagery exercises work too.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kcrimescene,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Without insurance it is difficult to find mental health services, but it is worth checking out low cost clinics within your area. Many of them have services available on a sliding fee scale, and even a few visits to get a diagnosis and some advice for ways to deal with the symptoms can be very helpful.

Grounding and breathing exercises can help with the panic attacks, and there are several threads on this forum where different techniques are discussed. Really there is a lot of information here that will give you ideas for managing many of the symptoms, but it is only finding out what is wrong that will put you on the path to making it better.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)