General PTSD Husband Virtually Cut Me Off - What Can I Do?

[Bella78]

Phew, glad to hear Secondary Trauma is acknowledged oin here. I should have known it would be

 

[Bella78]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5613.html?highlight=secondary+trauma[/DLMURL]

Don't know if I am linking this right, but becvan posted a thread on this. There are more I found doing a search. Looks like I am going to be reading on my computer a while again tonight

 

[jods]

Just had a thought, if I knew how we could do the carers chat we should give it a go as we are online now

 

[Bella78]

i have gone into the live chat

will hang out there a while and see if you drop in

 

[Kathy]

Phew, glad to hear Secondary Trauma is acknowledged oin here. I should have known it would be

Yes it is definitely acknowledged. Though some here have claimed to have it when they really do not, for sympathy, or have tried to say it is PTSD. I must say Bella it is most refreshing to see that you realize it is not PTSD! Well done once more, though I am very sorry you have the condition.

 

[Bella78]

Yes it is definitely acknowledged. Though some here have claimed to have it when they really do not, for sympathy, or have tried to say it is PTSD. I must say Bella it is most refreshing to see that you realize it is not PTSD! Well done once more, though I am very sorry you have the condition.

Thanks Kathy. But I'm not so sorry, just determined. What else can I do? If anything it sort of helps me understand how my hubby feels, or just a fraction of some of it. Then I can be more accommodating for him, the one who really needs it.

I came in from walking my dog this morning and it is very windy. As I opened the fornt door it blew another internal door shut. Immediately I thought there was someone there running in the house. I froze. Literally COULD NOT MOVE, grasping my heart for like a minute. HORRIBLE feeling. Then when I could move I just cried a bit.

My driver for managing my tiny allfiction is to be stong and capable for my poor dear husband.

 

[becvan]

Bella, there is a huge difference between seeking support and answers on Secondary Trauma and using it to relate or as an excuse with a PTSD sufferer.

Last time I checked, you haven't come here and said... well I have secondary.. and I know just what it's like.. how dare he/she need a break or have symptoms.. I have to deal with this.. I need help not them.

And no I'm not kidding.. we have had many "carers" come here and state that in PTSD sections and the Carer section.

You, on the other hand, are seeking answers from sufferers to help you learn about your sufferer. Your seeking answers and support from the carers for both yourself and him. You answer honestly. You don't blow off answers. You don't sit on the pity pot going poor me look how he's acting.

There is a huge difference there, you see? Us sufferers, are rather smart, and we do pick up on the differences. ;)

bec

 

[Bella78]

Thanks Becvan. I can't imagine a carer putting their sufferer second to themselves like that, how awful.

And yes, I believe you are very right, we carers ARE rather smart :smile:

 

[Bella78]

Xmas Eve Update

I thought this may be the best thread to put an update into. I just need to get this out more than anythign. Being Xmas Eve I am a bit emotional...

In 2 days it will be one month since my hubby moved out and asked me to leave him alone. :mad: I have obliged this as best I can. Then when I started learning how to deal with his PTSD I took a few steps as suggested by some of the wonderful folk on here, including Veiled and Evie and other carers.

Basically I have made a few simple gestures to show care and support and these have been received quite well. I have kept all contact very simple and only every 2-3 days. It seems to be moving things in the right direction, very slowly, but in the right direction nonetheless.

I have kept telling myself not to to be impatient as this is likely to take some time, so I have been told. But with Xmas coming and also my 30th birthday 2 weeks later, it is tough. But then I keep telling myself as if those things matter. They are just another day and he is what matters. But that does not mean that inside my heart I don't really want him home for Xmas.

I spoke to him 4 days ago and he said he had a job to finish for Xmas day and he ma even have to work all of Xmas day to get it done. So I told myself the chances of having him for Xmas were slim to none but at least I had some confort that it was because of work and not him hating me. Selfish i know because he is feeling a ton of pain no matter what, but I suppose it somewhat eased my own pain to look at it like that.

Then I got a hint from something else he said 2 days ago that he may finish the job and when I told him my grandmother said to tell him she hopes to see him for Xmas if he feels up to it, he just said, "yeh, OK. But I've got work to get done first" But he didn't say "No she won't see me.".... so that gave me a bit of hope.

But I should NOT have got my hopes up, even though I told myself not to, I think I kind of did. :crazy:

I just poppped down to see him, to get our camera so I can take it to Christmas and I woke him up, at 1pm! When he is supposed to be working, so he said. And that was his excuse for not beng able to come to Xmas. It has also been his excuse for moving out!

I have to admit I lost my temper a bit and told him he should stop lying, saying he is working when he is only sleeping. Wish I didn't do that, I guess I am very emotional about being alone for Christmas, but I did call afterwards to apologise. He hung up on me.

But I really must wonder why the lies and covers ups? It is about his biggest problem right now. He keeps using the excuse that he can't come home as he is working so hard but every time anyone goes to his work he is never doing much if any work and a lot of the time he is sleeping.

I know the sleep is because he is depressed, but I wish he would just say that, instead of giving me all this BS.:mad:

I am also really starting to consider some advice that Anthony gave me gegarding giving our PTSD sufferers a bit of a kick in the behind when they need it, otherwise they think they can get away with anything. I think perhaps we may be approaching a need for that. He can't keep being so wreckless and irresponsible like this. :wall:And then just lying about it. But I am sure gonna need some good advice on how to kick him in the behind a bit effectively. I can see it could go horribly wrong if done badly..

 

[Deleted member 93]

He knows you busted him lying. Lying about shit is not the same as being tolerant of PTSD. Still I would give it until after Xmas to harp. Some areas are not to be crossed and tolerated, but how you draw the line is very individual.

Just look at the big picture when you are counting days or weeks. Those are nothing in the big picture. My husband and I see months as brief skips in time. These are really blinks in time.

He may be BSing you to make you feel better... Never know. We will at times just fib to try to spare you more pain. But lying is still a no no.

 

[nyc]

lies

lying is lying
i've had a bucket full today from my "friend"
all of my ptsd carer knowledge went out the window
really lies are lies
it's not on

 

[Bella78]

Thanks Veiled and nyc.

He always knows when I bust him lying. It seems to work him up more. Almost like he is ashamed but snice he refuses to bear the brunt of his mistakes these days he almost childishly behaves as though he has done nothing wrong and anything i mention is so naggy and painful that I end up being the one in the wrong.

I could fully believe he is BSing me to save me pain. He has admitted to doihng this since his PTSD onset with rergards to money matters. So probably no different now.

I will definitely leave any up the behind kicking until after Christmas, no worries there. I recognise the emotional stress he is/will be under. I would never do anything that added to his pain.

But I seriously would love topical advice, or even word for word suggestions on how to gently kick him up the backside... ?