Sufferer New Here Need Help Ptsd

[gtpgurl]

Hi, I'm new here. I am just looking for help and support and advise. I was in a bad relationship for a long time. There was severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Pornography was a very large part of the physical/sexual abuse.

Now in my currant relationship I keep finding out he's been looking at pornography. I had explained to him my situation in the very beginning of our relationship. I am diagnosed PTSD, OCD, AD an BPD. I told him all this and that I was very strongly against the use of pornography and that I also viewed it as a form of cheating. He said he understood.

Now there have been 4 instances in the past 4 years that I have discovered he was looking at it. He apologized and promised over and over that he would not look t it any more, but I keep catching him. I also keep wanting to believe that he will stop. I can not express in words the amount of pain it cause me, and the memories and feelings it triggers. I think the most hurtful part was seeing on the computer that the day aft I gave birth while as in the hospital (supposedly he went home to sleep a fix the bathtub) he went online to look at pornography.

For along time I thoughtt was a once in a while thing. I have recently learned it is an everyday sometimes twice a day thing. We have an excellent sex life, usually everyday except for the past 9 months due to the labor. So its not a lack of sex that drives him. Now I'm doing it as A job to hopefully keep him from looking again and hurting my self both physically and mentally in the process.

I genuinely love this man so much so that we decided to have a baby several years ago and after struggling to conceive I now am a mommy of a 8 1/2 month old. If he just would stop I could say life is almost perfect. I just can not get over the hurt and distrust he has caused me due to the pornography and lies. I'm just looking for some understanding. Please don't post mean comment Iv'e heard them all before. And please no... "it's normal", "all men do it". I do understand that for many it is normal, however it is not normal or ok for me.

Thank you

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi gtpgurl, welcome to the forum :)

I am very sorry for what you've been through and I understand that it must be very difficult for you that he keeps watching porn, even though he knows how much that hurts you. Pornography itself and your trauma aside, it is definitely not okay for him to lie to you! And it's not just once, but multiple times.

I think that your partner still doesn't fully understand how much this hurts you. There is the very well known stereotype of the "nagging wife" who doesn't want her man to drink too much, to leave dishes in the living room and, like in your case, to watch porn.

(Just want to add here: this is just for the sake of comparison, I do not in any way mean to trivialize what you've been through!)

They don't fully comprehend why their partners are making such a big deal out of it, even when it has been explained to them repeatedly. So they only not do those things to avoid a fight. He isn't watching it in front of you (obviously), so the only problem for him is when you catch him doing it and get angry with him (which you are fully entitled to!).

So I guess maybe you can sit down and really openly talk about it. Perhaps when your baby is with your parents or siblings or a friend? This is something you really need to talk through. He should have an open mind to your feelings, but listen to his side of the story, too. Once you truly understand each other, and I mean really know how things work in either of your minds, I think there's a good chance you can work this out.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't have issues with porn, but I understand why others do.

If someone in my life knew about my triggers and knowingly, willingly engaged in behavior that triggered me, it would be a complete deal breaker. I couldn't live the rest of my life looking around the corner for the next triggering behavior.

Not all guys need porn. But it seems that your guy doesn't care enough to change his behavior. He doesn't understand just how much this hurts you. I think it's time for a serious talk and you need to think hard about whether or not you can live a lifetime of dealing with his porn issue if he won't stop.

 

[nursenurse]

Won't tell you what I think of porn. It is a deal breaker. As Solara said, it is a trigger for you, something you have discussed with him, and yet he still goes after it. You are the only one who can answer the question "Am I better off with him or without him?" When do you think that your giving into him everyday to your physical and mental detriment is going to break you? This is a lifetime thing, not a season. While I do not agree with pornography in any way shape or form, you need to decide if this is something you can handle, taking all his other qualities into account. Maybe some joint counselling to hammer home how this is affecting you, and then, should you decide to let it slide, ways of helping yourself to deal with it. As it stands, you performing for him when you are physically and mentally exhausted is only going to build up your resentment towards him. Best to get help now, deciding what your deal breakers are, and help for the two of you so you can both be happy, loving parents towards that baby. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ed,
You seem to not understand. I have no idea what your trauma is, but I can pretty much guarantee that there is at least one behavior that someone else out there could engage in that would trigger a PTSD episode in you. If not, dare I say you don't have PTSD? How would you feel if someone gave you the "it's no big deal----get over it!" response? I don't think this is being particularly helpful or supportive. And would you be able to deal with a partner who ignored your triggers and knowingly engaged in behavior that hurt you? Somehow I don't think you'd put up with it.

 

[nursenurse]

I won't get into too much here, but for the sufferer who is writing, this is a trigger, and when porn becomes damaging is when it hurts the partner. It could possibly be seen as being compulsive for him, it objectifies women whether you want to admit it or not, and since it triggers the writer, I would imagine that sexual abuse is a cause of her PTSD. It certainly is playing havoc with her sexual habits in order to please him. And deep down, a lot of us women are insulted by our guys viewing that kind of stuff.

Here's the thing: in most relationships, if you indulge in a behaviour that bothers or hurts your partner that you care about, you stop. End of story. Porn is degrading to this woman, she has asked him to stop, he has said yes, but has not. That in my books is insensitive, and leads me to believe that he too is perhaps obsessed. Our culture has become too dependent and enamoured on the porn industry. At any rate, it isn't really about our opinions here, it is about the fact that the writer feels violated somehow, and is trying to keep up sexually with him that is harming her physical and mental health by her own admission. It isn't right.

 

[nursenurse]

We do not have the right to do anything that hurts our loved ones.

 

[nursenurse]

A lot of women are exploited in the making of these films. Anyway, to each his own, but the fact remains she is being hurt and he basically lied to her when he said he would not do it anymore. If they can reach an agreement, great. If he cannot give it up even though it hurts her, then porn has become more than a like, it has become an obsession that is likely unhealthy all around.

 

[circe47]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I can't say one way or another if porn is wrong.....just that it's wrong for me. My ex was into it BIG TIME! I hated it. I did everything you are doing now. After thirteen years with this man, I finally gave up trying to change his sex addiction. That's what he has. A sex addiction. If it were alcohol or drugs and he was doing them every day, sometimes twice a day, AND letting them interfere with his relationship they would be considered a problem. I've been separated from this man for ten years, and he is STILL doing the same thing he was doing in junior high, at the age of 50.

As adults, we are supposed to have some form of control over our impulses in certain areas of life. Certain vices can destroy us (sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, religion, etc). Just my two cents because I've been exactly where you are.

 

[nursenurse]

I agree with the couples therapy. I think you may be fooling yourself about the effect of porn in your life. But we are trying to help another poster who has every right to be bothered by it. Her feelings are her feelings, her experiences alone can dictate what is right and wrong in her life. And this clearly is not right nor justifiable in the context of what she has written.

 

[digger]

@Ed please consider how your responses may be affecting the original poster. She specifically asks at the end of her post for no comments like that. Please respect that. This is not about you or how you view porn. It is about how she is feeling about it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ed,
This isn't about you, yet you seem to be saying that because you're ok with porn, that everyone should be.

Porn was a part of the poster's abuse. You say that the women in porn are there because they want to be. Many women are forced into porn. And you're completely ignoring the fact that porn was part of her abuse!

I don't have a problem with cops AT ALL. Because I don't have a problem with cops, you shouldn't either. And fire? Well I just love fire. I think it's ridiculous that anyone else have an issue with fire, because I don't.

Do I actually believe any of the preceding paragraph? No. I say it to make a point that we all have individual triggers related to our traumas and it's just downright rude to be so dismissive.

 

[digger]

I do not know what other responses to give.

Then maybe don't give one if it is the one someone has specifically asked people not to give?

 

[digger]

You might be telling what you consider to be the truth for you, but how is what you're saying supporting or helping the original poster. You just seem to be showing complete disregard for her feelings and her history

 

[digger]

That's not just all you've said though. You've told someone who has been brave enough to share that pornography was a part of her abuse and trauma, that women who get involved pornography are not victims and "love it".

That's beyond insensitive.

 

[ill]

Your partner shouldn't have made an agreement he couldn't stick to, he shouldn't have broken your agreements, and he shouldn't have lied to you. All of those things suck. But you can only control your own actions. Is his watching porn a dealbreaker for you? I know you said it was a trigger for you and it's perfectly sane and healthy to want to minimize your exposures to triggers, but how are you triggered by his watching porn alone when you're out of the house, provided he manages to adequately clear his history? I am not trying to be snarky at all, and I don't want to minimize the fact that some (but not all*) women absolutely are exploited in porn, but while you can ask him not to watch porn, he gets to make the choice. You get to set boundaries about what you will and won't accept in your life but so does he. And while porn is very triggering to you, his experience of porn is very different from yours, and it has entirely different connotations. Is porn a dealbreaker or is there room for negotiation and conversation about what porn means to both of you and how each of you views it? If we leave aside the lying, before you knew he watched porn, you apparently had a happy life, including a happy sex life. You didn't feel degraded or unloved, which suggests that he hasn't internalized any particularly problematic behaviour as a result of his watching porn. Is working on/through your feelings about porn something you would be willing to do?

I am triggered by noise and it's reasonable for me to ask for others to keep it down because of that, but much less reasonable for me to ask them not to make any noise at all (or to suggest that they're a bad person if they do). Though I'm not someone who watches porn or uses a vibrator often, if my partner demanded that I not use either ever again, no matter his reason, I don't think I'd be okay with that. I love him and I want him to be safe and happy, so I would be willing to be respectful and talk and work through his feelings and triggers with him at his pace, but I would definitely not give him permanent veto power over how I masturbate. In fact, I suspect I would find any attempt to control my body and my relationship to my body very triggering.


*There is such a thing as feminist porn, produced by and for women, lesbian porn, trans*porn and so on, and there are sex workers who've made a conscious and perfectly valid decision to work in porn. Some people are exploited, but some people aren't and I think it's important to respect people's autonomy and consent when they say yes (even if it's to something I may not understand or personally agree with) and when they say no.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ill,
You're mistaking a stressor for a trigger. Porn is a trigger as it was part of her original trauma. Noise is a stressor for most of us, but was not necessarily a part of our original trauma.

I honestly don't see why so many people can't understand why porn is such an issue to this woman. It is a part of her original trauma. It's not getting cut off in traffic or dealing with a rude salesperson----these events are stressors, just as noise is a stressor.

I'm a bit disgusted that you'd equate "noise" with "porn". Everybody on the planet makes noise so it's an unavoidable part of life. Not everyone engages in porn. It's a bit different to want a porn-less partner versus a noise-less partner.

Stressors----very different from triggers.

 

[nursenurse]

Most women I know, in fact all of them, feel hurt, intimidated and demeaned by porn. There are many excellent articles written stating why porn is harmful to men, women and relationships in general. I don't want to stay on my little soap box, but if it is consensual and the partner does not feel hurt or belittled by it, then fine (I still don't like it), However this is clearly not the case here. And for the record, I don't know too many men that don't think it is degrading to women either. It isn't necessarily normal and can do great damage to the psyche of non PTSD and PTSD people alike. Which is clearly what is happening with the original poster.


The fact that her boyfriend lied to her and is unable to give it up suggests a more deeply rooted problem in him as well, the least of which is a clear lack of respect and perhaps an innocent ignorance of the poster's experiences. Only the poster can decide what she wants and needs by weighing his other qualities over what may be a porn addiction and something that is frightening and degrading to her. To suggest to her that she should normalize his behaviour is trivializing her feelings at the very least. Her actions of making sex a job because of it stigmatizes her and the relationship, and may destroy the love and trust within, essentially creating a sex slave and reinforcing the triggering behaviour. Again, it is not consensual, it is hurtful to her.

 

[intothelight]

Hi gtpgurl

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Now I'm doing it as A job to hopefully keep him from looking again and hurting my self both physically and mentally in the process.

When an individual starts to modify their own behavior in an attempt to change another persons that is a big red flag. By making sex a job, you are hurting yourself mentally and emotionally. When two people are in a relationship, there should be enough respect that one will not do something that is extremely hurtful to the other. Seeking counseling would be best for both of you and your relationship.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your own healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I think it would be wise for us to remind ourselves that this is not a general discussion about whether or not men should be allowed to watch porn and what women in general think of porn. This is about gtpgurl and her relationship with the man she loves.

 

[ill]

Sorry @Solara, but noise is a trigger and a stressor for me, so it's hard for me to make a division between the two. I don't experience the same revulsion to porn as you appear to, finding it basically neutral, but I have a lot of triggers around noise so that's where I was coming from.

I understand that porn is a trigger for this woman, and I can understand why this would be so. I'm not telling her that she has to normalize porn, but it looks it's either a dealbreaker and she walks, or this needs to be something they talk about and negotiate in some capacity. Asking if someone is willing to work through a trigger that is entirely about how another person behaves when they're alone is not unreasonable. It's a question. There are some triggers I'm willing to work on and some I'm not. Identifying those lets me know what my dealbreakers are and what I'm willing to negotiate. And just because I have a really terrible trigger about something doesn't mean that my partner has to accommodate me, even though he loves me. The notion that my trigger gets to control his behaviour if he really loves me makes me uncomfortable. I don't need my partner to consent to what I watch/my masturbatory aids. It's not his place to consent to that. He consents to his sexual activity, not mine. I consent to mine. I would find it enormously inappropriate for him to believe that he has the right to declare that the tools I use to masturbate are inappropriate or bad, or to think that he gets final say over what I do with my body. I would also find it hurtful and disrespectful (and likely very triggering, personally).

Not all porn is created equal. I know lots of people, even or especially in women's studies and feminists circles, who do or have watched porn. I know people in committed relationships who watch porn together. Are they demeaning themselves and other women? Does the female gaze count for anything? Does female agency and choice not count in sex work just because it makes you uncomfortable? It seems super problematic to identify all porn and all porn-watchers as morally and emotionally suspect.

I absolutely agree that the lying is a big freaking problem, but I don't view it as proof of porn addiction. He shouldn't have made an agreement he had no intention of keeping, he should've spoken with his partner when he didn't keep the agreement, and he shouldn't have lied to his partner, obviously. He may not have been clear with himself, he may not have felt like he could talk about his wants and needs, he may have been cowardly, he may think porn is a very personal activity that isn't anyone else's business, but he should've been honest and forthright. He's breaking trust, and that is a hard thing to recover from.

But to me this is about boundaries - boundaries are about our own behaviour and what we will or won't accept. We can't have boundaries about other people's behaviour, just about how we will respond. It makes me supremely uncomfortable that we're basically suggesting that one person's trigger should be in charge of another person's behaviour (at least if he really loves her). This seems really suspect to me. We can't control other people's actions, and telling someone that they're bad, awful, must have a porn addiction/problem, don't really love us because they're behaving in a way that makes us uncomfortable seems like an attempt to manipulate and control (which I am not accusing the OP of, btw), and is, to my mind, wholly inappropriate. I alone am responsible for my triggers, my feelings, and my actions. I can ask my partner for what I want but he gets to say no and I have to respect that. He gets to choose his boundaries. And while I understand how the OP feels like sex is a job, her partner has apparently been watching porn for the duration of their relationship and she never felt like a sex slave before. This suggests that his behaviour (leaving aside the lying, obviously) wasn't a problem for her. She felt comfortable and safe in their sexual relationship and she didn't feel this pressure before she knew about his activities. Again, I am not excusing or justifying his behaviour.