Relationship So Angry

[Lost Again]

I hate him. I hate myself. I hate myself for letting him ruin my life. I hate myself for ruining my own life. I hate him because my life doesn't get that happy ending because I invited him in and let his illness take over. I didn't stand up enough for myself.

He called last night from a different number. I didn't hang up, I listened for 5 minutes. I'm sick of hearing about his struggle, his therapy, his programs, and once again, his rock bottom. His feelings, his sadness, his pain.

I don't care anymore! Where did caring ever get me? f*ck him. I'm sick of the cycle. He wants back what he lost and after this, he's gonna forget the rock bottom. He's gonna become the "asshole" again. All his decisions are the best, his way or the highway, snide remarks, belittling sarcasm, talking crap about my family, making everything complicated, anger. Anger. Accusations and more anger.

I used to think "wow, he's going to therapy", "wow, he really loves me, lucky me". Has he forgotten just last month saying he doesn't have PTSD anymore? Saying its my fault that he explodes calling me bitch, fkn whore, old, ugly, wrinkly, that no one would ever want me?

His dad is a violent alcoholic monster and his mom didn't protect him. There. I said it. That's why I think he has PTSD, not the car accident. The car accident just took away his carefully built defense mechanism. Why should me and the kids bear the burden of his parents horrific mistakes? Am I supposed to be his mother? Ever bearing, ever abused? Fu*k off!!

And when he doesn't get what he wants then he'll switch to trying to destroy me.

I exist! I don't "belong" to him. His kids don't "belong" to him. We belong to God. We are here to care for one another, not to own others to love and abuse intermitently. How many times I turned the other cheek. How many times I didn't take it personally while he attacked my dignity and honor. I moved us forward without even an apology. "If I fkn hear one more fkn thing about a fkn apology, I'm gonna blow this fkn restaurant up".

I'm so angry. I did everything to support him, where was the support I too deserved? I'm not a side kick to someone else's story. I'm not a casualty in someone else's tragedy. I'm a person. I exist.

 

[Deleted member 23044]

Sending you love from a total stranger. You are so strong for leaving him, and you are NOT a bad person for doing it, either... in a way, leaving him is turning a cheek to him(in the kindest way) and staying with him is destroying not only him, but you as well(by being an enabler and tolerating bad behavior it just gives the bad behavior more incentive to keep going). I think you know this, but I wanted to reiterate it to you... you are NOT a bad person and your anger is justified and I hope you feel better about this situation one day. I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

[jmm214407]

I'm terribly sorry you have to go through the pain and anger you're feeling right. Sometimes walking away is the only way. If your partner doesn't want to see that what he is doing and how he is acting is PTSD then you need to walk away and let him either suffer or find it on its own.

I know I still suffer from it but I also know I'm losing it. My group classes and therapies are working great. And this the forum is the most amazing thing ever. Why isn't he on here? This has helped me so much! Being able to talk to all you guys being able to have you all talk to me and help me with my problems. And me help with your problems. I found myself asking myself " did I just say that" when I was helping another member out.

Bottom line is, stay strong if you don't care nor love him then move on but if you do tell him that you two need a little break. Not a break up just some time to clear your heads and for him to get his mind in the right place. And I seriously think he should be on here. My heart and thoughts and prayers with you BOTH on this. I know how PTSD can affect a relationship. But its how bad you want to get better that matters.

 

[KysMom]

Stand strong! We do exist. We breath and feel and hurt.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry you are going through this but so glad you are getting it out. Anger saved my life. I didn't do anything harmful to anyone with it but it was a sign of health for me, a sign I did exist.

I turned the other cheek too. That's what I was taught to do. I turned it so many times it's a wonder I didn't get permanent vertigo. Now when somebody does something lousy to me, I call them on it. Not always but mostly. I go more by the adage - Do no harm. Allowing someone to repeatedly do lousy stuff to me does them and me harm. There must be consequences.

Your anger is healthy. But I am sorry that you being a kind supportive person backfired so badly in this case. I've been there.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

As a sufferer I unknowingly let my condition affect my relationship not only with my wife but with my children. I am gutted that I went so long without any support from medical services and was constantly told to "buck up". Had I been offered the right therapies I would not have lost the most precious people I was blessed with. For myself if I could turn that horror clock back and be able to mend the hurt I imposed on them over such a long time I would grab it with both hands. Unfortunatelly my marriage has gone. I still love them all implicitly. I blame myself and no one else for being the way I was. They did not deserve my fits and outbursts. I just wish I had know all those years ago that I had CPTSD. From what you have written good on you for getting out.

And I seriously think he should be on here. My heart and thoughts and prayers with you BOTH on this. I know how PTSD can affect a relationship. But its how bad you want to get better that matters.

I couldn't have put it better.

Lost Again Massive hugs from a sufferer if you will accept them.

Laurie