Epiphany

[Deleted member 1860]

As if late, I have been repeatedly encountering people in my life who don't believe that I have the power to change. I say "as of late" because the change I have experienced is new and prolonged. Well, a month IS prolonged when I haven't felt this way in over 5 years, lol.

I don't deny that I can be difficult at times (to put it lightly). However, I struggle with the reason why someone would keep me in their life yet have such a negative view of me. That is, if I didn't believe in someone, I sure as heck wouldn't make them a part of my life. Turn that around, and if someone can't/won't believe in me, then I don't want this person in my life.

I think I've stumbled upon a non-negotiable. If someone doesn't believe in me, then I don't have their support and the relationship is pretty much dead in the water.

It's funny, one such person has been telling me for forever and a day that A) he wants me to change but B) he doesn't believe that I can change. Well, the thing is I AM changing, but he refuses to see it. I don't think I should have to prove myself to someone who has no faith in me. I rather save my time and energy for those who have believed in me all along.

A bit sad, but working on accepting that not all relationships work out in the end. :(

 

[Barconian]

Maybe as you are changing, you are getting stronger! And maybe the other does see the changes, but are unsure of themselves because of your up and coming strength?

 

[The Albatross]

Not sure how you went from the perception of "I struggle with the reason why someone would keep me in their life yet have such a negative view of me" to "I don't think I should have to prove myself to someone who has no faith in me."

Just seems like a bit of a long shot to me, but you know what you're dealing with... face to face. I don't. I just see a yellow flag on making giant leaps without input from or communication with my "him".

Are you needing or expecting something that he isn't prepared to give? Like validation that you are changing? I know personally that took a whole lot of time and consistency on my part. Why isn't your own realization that you are changing" sufficient. What need/want/desire is not being met and once you have identified it, is it realistic to expect of your partner?

Sometimes it isn't for me. Sometimes it is.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He's not my partner. We're just friends. All instances were with friends. Why would anyone want a friend who doesn't believe in them? Why would anyone want to be friends with someone they don't believe in? It seems to me to be a basic foundation of a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Not sure how you went from the perception of "I struggle with the reason why someone would keep me in their life yet have such a negative view of me" to "I don't think I should have to prove myself to someone who has no faith in me."

I don't see this as a jump. I am asking why he kept me in his life when he didn't believe in me, and then I say I shouldn't have to prove myself to someone who doesn't believe in me.

 

[The Albatross]

Not really... mutual kindredship or mutual interests or something in common is most often the basic foundation of a relationship. I've only had 3 friends in 40 years that "believed in me". Pretty tall order for most people who have lives of their own.

 

[Lost Pup]

I remember a decade ago thinking certain friends were jerks for thinking I couldn't change. And while they weren't right, they were right in sensing that, for me, changing was a then incomprehensible amount of work

I think that when we're really struggling or wounded, we tend to lock our shadow sides with those who need someone (or are at least drawn to) with just that set of issues and circumstances. When we heal, we ultimately destabilize their relations and self, too. So I'm not surprised people are sending unhelpful, damaging mixed messages to you.

Good on you, @Solara . It's hard enough to learn to change and there's no reason to keep friends who prolong our psychic turmoil past its expiration date. They'll come back in time if they are meant to.

 

[The Albatross]

Like I said, you're the one living it, I am just proffering my own opinion. To me, without having a conversation... yeah, it's a jump. Perhaps you have had a conversation or several that did not go well. You did not share that in your initial post though. Relationship is two parties... in communication. Skipping ahead is a game changer/dynamic changer/possible friendship breaker.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Lost Pup,

I understand people doubting my inability to change before I've actually changed, but the thing is I AM changing and they refuse to see what's in front of them. Heck, I even doubted if I could change!

I'm seriously thinking of cutting most ties to my past. Those ties are tethering me to something that wasn't me---for over 15 years. I don't think I can be ME as long as I have that cloud hanging over me. And I'm not running---rather, It's more like I'm breaking free.

 

[Barconian]

When someone starts to change or "grow" the people around them, may or may not grow with them! The ones who grow with us continue to believe in us and the ones who don't grow with us, stop believing in us and we move on from them! That is a natural course of life!!!

When moving out of one circle and into another, means that the old pull us back and the new push us away, until we are standing on even ground and become excepted by the new... Life is not always as simple as communication!

 

[macca]

Maybe you've noticed change before they have. People just aren't very good at noticing these things I don't think. And - well, it seems on here that most of us hide stuff anyway, so he may not realise just how much change there actually is. As others have stated too - the dynamic will be changing too, and he may have fallen into the role of feeling like he's some kind of cheerleader for change, and just hasn't caught up with realising that his role needs to be adjusted with you. Maybe he will have trouble changing himself - a little ironic.

 

[Barconian]

@macca I don't think so. I think he is just falling behind and it's up to him to catch up