Feeling Validated

[Lady of Longbourn]

I feel I have made very good progress with my sexual traumas. I am able to have a healthy sex life and the traumas not bother me so much. I can discuss rape, my feelings, I can work through what comes up.

But it doesn't seem to be happening as much with the neglect as a child, treatment in my teens years or the bullying by my stepfather. I had an idea in my diary this morning that perhaps the reason for this is I don't feel like those experiences have been validated. My mother has never acknowledged the fact that she neglected me as a child and she is still married to my step father. I have noticed her standard of living going down and down over the years; 10 years ago fleas in the beds would have been terrible to her and now when we visited last time, fleas was a causal thing. I am starting to wonder how healthy her thinking and relationship is.

I will often question myself about those years of my life. My mother described me once to my teachers at school as 'difficult' and 'different'. As an adult I see that she was trying to push the blame on me. But I still question myself.

I don't seem to be able to validate myself. When talking about those years in my life I will go into huge detail (mostly in my trauma diary) trying to explain myself and how I must be right. I keep thinking that rape is wrong but perhaps not everyone will agree I was neglected. It must have been something I did.

I think looking to my mother for validation is a waste of breathe. Maybe it is my own thinking that needs changing. Maybe I need to realize that I was a minor and I was helpless. Maybe I am wrong about the whole thing maybe I was just 'difficult'/'different' or stupid.

I need to find a way to work through this. Any thoughts?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((Ayesha))) I hear you. I really do.

The only thoughts that I have is that it's a process. For me, it was a process. It seems you are embarking on that process with this post right here. This is where I first began my trek in this category, but not the beginning beginning, more so the beginning to healing.

I validate you. I really could've written this exact post, word by word.

 

[scout86]

I think looking to my mother for validation is a waste of breathe. Maybe it is my own thinking that needs changing. Maybe I need to realize that I was a minor and I was helpless. Maybe I am wrong about the whole thing maybe I was just 'difficult'/'different' or stupid.

I don't know how you could have been "stupid" then and not now, for a start. (And you sure don't appear to be stupid now!)

Your mother couldn't take good care of you then, probably for the same reasons she can't validate you now. I don't know her, I don't know what the reasons are, but it's most likely stuff she lacks and doesn't see the need to work on.

A kid being "difficult" or "different" isn't actually a reason to neglect them, even if it's true. It's the job of the parent to see a problem and find the resources to deal with it. Because kids ARE somewhat helpless and trapped. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that the ability to reproduce will be accompanied by the ability to parent.

You know what you know, you feel what you feel. Those things are real. You don't need to defend them or explain them, they are part of reality. Isn't that validation enough? Maybe not yet, but maybe it's something to think about?

 

[Echo]

I wish this self-blame and self-doubt didn't run so deep, but it does. Even if it is possible to intellectualise it away, it seems so basic to the formation of our identities, maybe because we don't have any prior experience of validation before it started. I wish, so wish, I could get beyond the idea, deeply ingrained, that I am bad and that I deserve bad things to happen and things to go wrong. Do you also feel that somehow you undermine yourself on such a deep level that it is hard to access? I know I do and I wonder if it can be changed. I don't think we can look outside ourselves for validation successfully without really feeling it internally, but how to get there...

Fantastic, on the other hand, that you have a great sex life. I thought I had managed to do so before the PTSD, but now I am so unsure what it might be like now and whether I would just freak out. It is really heartening to hear that you've got there. I worry about being able to talk freely on one level, but somehow avoid my real feelings whilst I'm doing it. Some kind of coping mechanism that allows me to be in my head, but, oh my goodness, not in my body where the fear and pain is. It is so good to hear from people who are further on. Thank you, Ayesha.

If you were 'difficult' by anyone else's standards, it is hardly surprising, given your parental neglect, but I am willing to bet all I have that you weren't stupid in any way. These labels are toxic and an abuser's justification for his/her abuse, aren't they?

 

[Overcast]

It is a long process sometimes to finally accept without doubt that your memories are right. Who can make up these memories? Who would want to make the memories up? It is hard to let go that our parents let us down and will not admit there part. We love them but are mad at the same time. What really helped me was balancing the scale was trying to remember the good as well. Unfortunately the bad outweighs the good in my emotional bank a count. My parents perception on life was so much different than mine. I am learning to accept my perceptions as real after I got it all out on paper several times. It is hard being patient with myself but that is what it took for me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

that I am bad and that I deserve bad things to happen and things to go wrong.

I remember thinking as a child and teenager when something would go wrong, that I must have caused it. I did something horrible earlier in the day or yesterday and that is why bad is happening to me now.

I don't think that way now. Difficult things happen. But then I was sure it was something that I did to deserve it. I would be angry with myself for thinking anything good could happen to me. I was terrible to myself.

 

[seedling]

"Silly," that's how I was to my mother. I learned to try to be like her. Thought it was a better way than being myself.

Maybe if I was like her I wouldn't be so stupid and wrong all the time.

I feel like it's easier to recognize the trauma of my experiences that are like fireworks than the grinding daily behaviors that chipped away at me. Those were "little things," not "real" trauma. I feel ashamed that something so "small" can make me feel like such a failure.

That mothers could rejoice in their "different" children and love their uniqueness, love finding out who their children are.

 

[Mercy]

You know what you know, you feel what you feel. Those things are real. You don't need to defend them or explain them, they are part of reality.

Validation is a strange odd subject to me. I guess since I knew I was worthless, not entitled to the air that I breathed or the space I took up in a room, I never looked for emotional support from any one. Any sense of value had to come from inside me, one tiny piece at a time. It has been really hard to work out this self worth thing.

I hear your cry for validation and the anguish that goes with it. Once my little girl said to me, 'I'm me and you're you.' I was startled that a 3yr. old could say that. But, I was telling her things like it's OK if you like chocolate ice cream and I like vanilla. I think that must have set her on her way to become herself. I did it because that was a hole in me that I didn't want her to have.

Maybe, in your diary, you could leave yourself short approval messages whenever something is good. I bet pretty soon you would have a track record of self-validation. You have been so caring here and so comforting to so many of us. That is a bit of validation which you know is true........

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You have been so caring here and so comforting to so many of us. That is a bit of validation which you know is true........

Thank you Mercy. :) That is so sweet to say and one of the nicest things I have heard in a while. Thank you. :x3:

 

[Barconian]

Once my little girl said to me, 'I'm me and you're you.' I was startled that a 3yr. old could say that.

Smart little girl :D

I have noticed her standard of living going down and down over the years; 10 years ago fleas in the beds would have been terrible to her and now when we visited last time, fleas was a causal thing. I am starting to wonder how healthy her thinking and relationship is.

I see your mum is suffering also. My children are watching there mum give up on herself and it is hard for them to watch :(

 

[seedling]

But I still question myself.

I need to find a way to work through this. Any thoughts?

A suggestion that came to mind, I like doing this for myself:

Notice yourself, the way that you are, who you are and the special things about yourself. Maybe starting with what and who you are not. Little things, your gifts and talents, enjoy seeing these things like you're meeting a new and interesting person. Let this bring in some light as you appreciate discovering yourself. Your way of seeing and interacting with the world is valid.

Perhaps what made you difficult and different to your mother is what makes you wonderful to other people who are not challenged by it.

For myself I feel that I got so good at "looking away" from who I was that I stopped paying attention to what I did and who I was. I'm starting to catch myself being myself and recognizing it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

who are not challenged by it

I wonder why she would be challenged by it? Do you mean in the exhausted with me way?

I stopped paying attention to what I did and who I was.

I had started doing that too and then I looked at myself one day and I felt I didn't know me or see me anymore.

I see your mum is suffering also.

Yes she was, deeply but I wasn't responsible for her illness either.