Relationship Alcohol Abuse

[Seasounds]

@ lost pup

I suspect that their is something in what he is saying when he denies having a problem that is begging to be heard, rather than simply the denial with which we so predominantly characterize substance abuse in our culture. Not to say he doesn't have a problem (he clearly does), only that, in those statements, I suspect he is trying to convey something of his own agency and determination.

Can you help me understand what you mean, by giving an example? I'm wanting to learn, from your insight.

I often look at this 'denial' as a period where a person is disassociating from their behavior because it is too painful to associate to their reality, to their feelings, and to not living up to their or other's standards. Non-judgmental atmospheres and peer acceptance seem to help reconcile this disparity between, who one thinks they are, and what their behavior demonstrates (themselves to be). (My last boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic.)

And FYI, I relate to your observations and limitations of the 12 step model. Pros and cons for sure. I have struggled with the Alanon side of the AA concepts you mentioned. Thanks for your postings.

 

[Lost Pup]

Hi @change, one of the things I've always found tough about contemporary substance abuse treatment is how much it focuses on the idea that, after all, addicts are basically the same and basically share the same set of traits, forming a group that is somehow a little bit different than others. I've always been turned off by this because I am really interested in the particularity of experience and I don't generally buy that genetics are an overarching, determining factor WRT addiction.

I think you are definitely right about denial being a form of dissociating from the consequences of abusing alcohol. For me, seeing this at work around my drinking made me realize how much I needed to refocus on my dissociative symptoms. Because one ego state could be almost killing himself with alcohol and another ego state would, truly, take over as soon as I was sober again. And the latter state is, genuinely, not an alcoholic and would never, ever drink to excess. Getting the two parts to talk to each other and listen to each other long enough to collaborate became really crucial. So while this is definitely a form of denial, my lifelong relationship to denial is such that I simply cannot effectively address it outside of the larger, broader relationship to my life and early traumas. Just for me, SMART and/or working with my T around alcohol abuse has supported this approach while (the) AA (groups that I checked out) felt like it separated addiction, to some degree, from all the rest, creating more problems than it is worth.

Hope this was clear enough to be of some sort of value.

 

[The Albatross]

My situation is the flip side of Lost Pup's. AA helped me quite a lot even with the issues "other than alcohol" child and domestic abuse. I also use SMART and they are my relapse prevention.

 

[Lost Pup]

@The Albatross , NA saved my best friend's life so I am very supportive of it in general, just not for me. So glad it helped you.

 

[The Albatross]

AA got me sober and helped me to understand hyper active instincts and allergy - as I am allergic to alcohol... SMART helped me to deal with the thinking underneath the drinking and helped me to understand and learn that what I was experiencing was PTSD.

Off topic sorry Dimples.

Your efforts though well intentioned resulted in a consequence that your partner will have to deal with. When it comes to irresponsible behavior, consequences happen. It was his behavior, not yours that merited the consequence. Please keep that in mind?

 

[dimplesg520]

@The Albatross - I am trying to remember that it was his decision to get drunk, and his decision to drive when he knew it wasn't right, but I am still struggling. I can't help but think that maybe if this time I had just taken it and kept my mouth shut, we wouldn't be in this situation. However, that is the thinking that has led me to neglect my own self and well-being thus far, and it's not good. I was right to stand up for myself, and I am trying to actually believe that.

I talked to him a little bit today. Somehow he managed to get out of a UCMJ hearing, instead getting a general letter of reprimand and a mandatory alcohol and substance abuse program. Tomorrow he will find out if they are going to retire him due to this or not. He has his 15 years in but was hoping to continue at least as a reservist or be able to do recruiting or teaching, but we will see what they decide tomorrow. He kept talking about how bad and guilty he felt, and how he just needs to talk to me and have me hug him and things like that. I wasn't rude or mean, but I stood my ground and told him that I was very angry and didn't think it would be a good idea for me to call him today because it would just escalate the situation. I said that I wasn't leaving him but that I was very angry and would be for a while. I was firm but still talked to him and reassured him a bit. This situation last night made me realize so much that I have been neglecting my feelings and desires in the relationship to bend to whatever he needs, and that's not right. He could have killed himself, or someone else, or really screwed up our lives more than he did and that's not okay. I have the right to be angry. I am finally starting to feel like I have a say in my life and that I am gaining more of my autonomy back. Last night was just the lightbulb moment that it took for me to realize I can't just let him do whatever he wants with both of our lives.

I am going to recommend both AA and the SMART program to him. It seems like SMART would be more applicable and helpful for him to understand why he does it, what has led up to this behavior, and how to recognize the triggers and stop them. I also think many aspects of AA are helpful, especially regarding his anger issues and how he holds grudges (the steps of asking for forgiveness and forgiving those who have wronged you seem very much applicable in his case). I really appreciate all of your help and advice.

 

[The Albatross]

Two books helped me immensely when dealing with alcohol issues: A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C and The Delimma of the Alcoholic Marriage (an Alanon book). It really doesn't matter if it is alcoholism or abuse as both books can bust through some misconceptions about substance abuse as a maladaptive coping tool and the prolonged use can create cognitive, perceptual and instinctual distortions.

Alanon literature might be helpful for you as well dimples. When I got sober, because both my brother and my brother-in-law were still actively drinking I did Alanon for 1 1/2 to 2 years also.

 

[Lost Pup]

both books can bust through some misconceptions about substance abuse as a maladaptive coping tool

I'm confused about this. Do you mean it is a misconception to see substance abuse as a maladaptive form of coping, ie do you understand it as something else? Or do you mean that substance abuse is a coping tool but a maladaptive one? I assume the latter but am curious if you have different way of understanding it.

 

[The Albatross]

I mean there are unintended consequences of using alcohol as a coping tool, it is maladaptive and over time reinforces unhelpful habits that damage ourselves, our perceptions, our relationships, and our thinking. Both books were quite an eye opener for me, and pretty apt.

 

[bell]

When I was younger, I had a problem with alcohol. I used to drink so much that I wouldn't care what happened to me and more often than not, I would get triggered while drunk and act like a crazy person. To me, this was always the worst, starting off an evening in a great mood, drinking and having fun, and then getting triggered (usually by something small and stupid), and then flying off the handle. It was like going 0-60 and really really confusing, both for me and my friends who were with me.

In hindsight, and as I got through therapy, I can see that it was all a cry for help and how I just wanted to someone to hold me and never let go. (Well, er, someone not psychopathic...) But, thanks to the PTSD, I never trusted anyone, so I felt trapped and alone and scared. Like scared shitless that no one was ever going to understand me. Ever. And so then I acted out because I had no idea how to express what was going on internally, because it would seem to shapeshift without rhyme or reason.

Through all of this, there was nothing anyone could have said to get me better/to therapy until I decided to go. And, like what happens to so many, I had to hit rock bottom first. But I've never forgotten those that were there for me when times were rough. So, like has been said before above, it's important to take care of yourself, give him some space (easier said than done I know), and gently let him know that you are there. Keep in mind, this is all a learning process for you, too, so there are bound to be some mistakes and bumps along the way.

 

[Lost Pup]

At least for CNN, this is an extremely touching, well written piece on trauma and addiction. http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/05/opinion/curry-addiction-and-pain/index.html?hpt=hp_t4

 

[dimplesg520]

Thank you for the book recommendations @The Albatross. I am definitely going to check them out.

@bell, I know what you mean about nothing helping until you hit rock bottom. I've been there myself and so much has happened with him that still never seemed to be enough for him to get help. Even now, I don't think he is there yet. He was miserable for the last two days, and now he is talking about driving his car to the shopette or coming home for the weekend because the gate is only 1/2 a mile from his barracks and he doesn't think he will get caught. Nevermind that he isn't allowed to drive on post, and they are going to med-board him out of the army for this. I just don't understand how he can still think it's okay to drive around despite them specifically saying not to. Also I guess the trooper told him he could drive until his court date, but what if he gets in an accident or something happens? I doubt that would look good at court. I just don't understand how he could still be thinking like this, so recklessly, after all that's happened. But then again, I don't have PTSD or substance abuse problems so I am not in the same mindset. I don't know. I'm hoping he gets a grip soon and realizes that this is serious crap and he can't just keep tempting fate anymore.