Courage To Ignore

[Upside Down Eagle]

This post is about the courage needed to ignore yourself. To ignore your own unhealthy mental connections. The courage it takes to abandon ideas gone wrong. The courage to admit a choice when you feel that there is in fact one, even though it is extremely difficult. Even though it hurts your pride and makes you feel like your entire composure is shattering.

Many of you know -as you have helped me get through it -about the images I have been getting in my head involuntarily last months. And the tantrums that ensued. The images recall the strongest sense of humiliation, one that is so intense it makes me wish I weren't there.

These images were and still are always triggered by things. Friction of clothes -specially undergarments- against my skin. Itching skin. Touching parts of my body. Visits to the toilet, wiping, unlocking doors with a key, the watertap, sounds, a list so broad that in the end it seems like everything is a trigger and safety is nowhere. Making me (and many of you who have similar issues) feel like you can't escape. Like you are being punished. Like the universe is pulling some kind of sick joke on you for its own amusement. Like you are being betrayed.

But it isn't true. Any of it. Friction against my skin is just that. If I make a connection between friction on my skin and things that are happening in the past, then that's my own brain working against me. In the beginning it was pretty much unconscious, but then it starts to get more conscious as you realize that you are actually actively reliving the nightmere! Actually putting yourself in a situation where the humiliation continues! It's so bizarre, so many times it made me want to cry and scream at the same time for the absurdity of it.

Not only did I make a connection between all of the above and the past, I also made a connection between this behavior and the past. My mother had told me that I wanted to be treated like she did, that I wanted to be beaten and put down. Automatically (as a child) making me wonder whether I was sick and twisted. The weird fantasies I had at night, as a growing child, confirmed to me that I was just that. So in my adult brain something said: "I behave this way because I'm some kind of disgusting sadist that secretly enjoys pain".

But at the same time it said: NO!!! I'm not a #$%@ sadist. So everytime that I was triggered by any of the above, and get the images in my head, I would fight them. Rant and rage, and kick and scream and cry, like a humiliated six year old, not knowing how to deal with it. Wanting it to just stop, stop torturing me. I felt like if I didn't react to the images like a snarling, rabid dog, I would be admitting to the fact that I was in fact sick and wanted to be raped and humiliated just like I saw in my nightmeres and the images.

So. Courage. Courage to ignore this logic, to ignore the triggers, to ignore the images. Courage to let go, courage to stand up and take it into my adult hands, courage to admit the humiliation, courage to stop engaging. Writing it makes me sad on the inside. I've been fighting so long, and I'm a warrior, I know that I'll fight until I'm dead when my mind is set to it -I'll fight myself into a suicide. But that exact strength is the wrong strength and the wrong courage. It is staying in the past instead of moving on. It is a choice.

Admitting that I have in fact that choice is a b*tch. I don't want to admit that I have a choice, because then I'll have to choose a road at this incredible intersection in my life. I will have to leave everything once familiar to me. I'll have to distantiate me from this feeling of "NOOO!!!" that has characterized my entire life thus far. I'll have to be born anew...

 

[~Iceheart~]

It isn't just courage that drives someone, it is strength as well. You were right in saying that there is a right and wrong kind of courage [in the case of harm or suicide], but the courage to move forward resides within you. And I think you know it. You have been fighting a harsh war, but choosing to fight it is really half the battle. That alone, though, tells you how deep a trauma can truly go.

I am sorry to hear that you were a victim to such a terrifying childhood. But despite what your mind wants you to believe, you are not a sadist. You were brainwashed into thinking a certain way, and it was drilled into your mind so deep that you believed it. You are not sick, twisted, or disgusting. What they did to you is. But you need to remind yourself that you are no longer under their influence or control. You will learn to heal and overcome.

Might I ask what it is bringing hesitation of starting again? Is it losing everything you've known? I just want to understand your perspective as best as I can. If you ever need someone, I'd be happy to listen and help however I can.

Wishing you the best of luck on your road to healing.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi Iceheart, thanks for your reply :)

but choosing to fight it is really half the battle

The thing I actually wanted to say, is that sometimes we need to choose not to fight... and actually sometimes choosing not fight requires more courage than fighting. Fighting the demons of the past sometimes also means engaging with them, and when engaging with them we are not letting go of them.

But you need to remind yourself that you are no longer under their influence or control

True, thanks for your kind words! I'm still under my own influence though, and it's me who keeps recreating the scenario (which is what PTSD will do for you...). The thing is, at first I thought that PTSD was doing this to me (and therefore I'm its victim), but just maybe I have more control over the disease than I thought by choosing not to engage with it.

Might I ask what it is bringing hesitation of starting again?

It is becoming somebody new entirely, that I'm scared of. If I stop engaging, and in fact choose to ignore the PTSD logic in my brain, I will have let go of the past, and therefore in a way I will have no past. I'd be starting anew. I'd be taking responsbility into my own hands and I'd stop being a victim. All of those things are pretty scary ;)

 

[macca]

Wow Radise. I've been fighting it pretty hard lately, and you've given me pause for thought. Yes, it is scary. But so is the fighting.

I know that I'll fight until I'm dead when my mind is set to it -I'll fight myself into a suicide.

That really resonated with me, I find myself of the same mindset lately. And I have kids, it cannot happen. I'm also fighting to stay alive, but am I making it harder for myself?

You seem to have reached something significant in your healing. Great work! Thank you for posting this.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm also fighting to stay alive, but am I making it harder for myself?

That's what I have been wondering, Macca! :-) It's a scary question. For me it also meant asking myself: would I allow myself to be happy? A pretty confrontational question, I haven't fully figured it out yet. But I sure hope I can just let the pride slide off me, and make a decision to step out of this fight, if I can.

After all, the fight is in the past. Does it really have a place in our lives now? It's a weird new scenario, but I hope the both of us (and everybody else who stops in their tracks to wonder about it) can profit from these thoughts and consider another road.

 

[The Albatross]

The thing about the concept of "fighting" or living in fight or struggle mode, is that you always have to have something to fight or struggle against.

Courage to ignore is an interesting phrase... I read it to mean allowing the thoughts or feelings and pushing past them. It is a good start on emotional regulation.

 

[~Iceheart~]

Glad I could be there for you~

Yes, there are times when you should not be fighting. But only you can truly decide when to do so. It takes an incredible amount of strength, but I believe wholeheartedly that you are capable of doing what you need to when the time is right. This darkness should not always be engaged with, but giving in to it can do its damage as well. You have that strength, you have that courage. Now comes learning more about your mind.

That may be true, but it can be helpful to your cause to see that they are far away now, and can no longer harm you. What they have done has affected your subconscious and way of thinking, but it is something you can learn to break away from too. It will take time, as all things do, but as long as you choose to take part in the war toward healing, you will reach your goal.

Yes, all of those things can be terrifying, and you have every right to feel that way. Starting over is daunting, but wouldn't you rather leave their influence behind and create your own life? You learn as an adult how to survive, and for you, this may be one of those things. You shouldn't choose this unless you are ready, or know that it is time. You don't need the extra weight of stress. It wouldn't be ignoring the trauma, it would be rising above it, and not letting it eat away at your heart. It will benefit you in the long run, but not if you jump into it blind.

After all, the fight is in the past. Does it really have a place in our lives now?

That is an amazing and inspiring thing to say, and goes along with what I said about leaving the trauma behind above. It's a way not to let it destroy you.

Wishing the best for you and all engaged in the struggle~

 

[CVC]

You are certainly courageous. I appreciate you sharing your insight.

I am wondering whether your efforts have come to fruition in large part perhaps because you actively FACED your traumas, your triggers, your nightmares, your "ideas gone wrong." I am wondering to what extent being able to let go, to stop engaging, is dependent on first having the courage to look into yourself with acceptance. In other words, do you think being able to "ignore" can only come after a process of learning to be able to face things squarely?

Sometimes I have a hard time knowing when it's time to turn in and tune in, versus when it's time to say "stop" and just try to let it go... Being in denial is never good, but being trapped in destructive thought patterns isn't good either! And, I am wondering whether these two things (paying attention and ignoring) are really opposed? Maybe they work together?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thx CVC. My reply will be rather long :D

This is because I thought the input by all of you guys is really good, enabling me to devise a clearer mental picture of the situation. PTSD can be kind of sneaky, so once you get a grip on it, you want to hold on to it and understand.

Interesting what you say about facing your issues before having the courage to let them go. Depens on what you mean by facing them, I guess. I have faced them insofar as I have recognized this hunch I had -the hunch that all the drama is in fact optional to a certain extent, and is being created by me. Maybe facing them also means recognizing having responsbility for them as opposed to being a mere victim of my own brain.

Of course this is tricky. I have practiced letting go yesterday and today. To my surprise, yesterday I just made a decision to let it go, and what do you know: I showered without screaming! This has rarely happened lately. But as I get tired, it also gets more difficult to retain active consciousness of my own brain processes. Less energy also means being more vulnerable to the emotions that are triggered by certain situations.

When a trigger is really strong, and not paying any attention to it is really difficult (or impossible), then I'm not going to force myself to endure the trigger just to make a point. But at the same time, I have to be wary of the difference between these two situations:

• really not being able to handle it
• not wanting to handle it (by that, I mean that one flees from any responsbility to control it. So, allowing oneself to engage negatively again with the triggers and the bad feelings).

When it comes to the first situation, I want to learn how to treat these moments with acceptance, not hate myself for it. If I hated myself for it, I would be rationalizing from a traumatized/victimized point of view again (i.e: "I let it win again! I am to blame!"). I'd like to distantiate myself from that kind of thinking. Accept that it happened and then let go without resentment & move on. When it comes to the second, I want to learn to manage my "inner child" and tell her to face reality, because she can.

And, I am wondering whether these two things (paying attention and ignoring) are really opposed? Maybe they work together?

For me there's two ways of paying attention: the positive and the negative way. You could be paying attention to the bad triggers too much, engaging with them. Or you could be paying attention to the NOW and therefore engaging with current reality. I think you're right about them not being opposed, it depends on how you interpret them :)

For me, paying too much attention to the triggers (i.e, taking them too seriously and treating them like a serious opponent to be tackled) is a trap. I find myself in an endless vicious circle of losing perspective, where I zoom in too much on the things that are triggered, and end up losing all perspective.

 

[The Albatross]

Um there is a third way... paying attention in a neutral way. At times I can trend off the neutral mark either way, positively or negatively... but I always aim to get back to neutral and then work on being mindful of little things that can skew me favorably if not positively. Having dealt with the black dog (depression) for most of my life I am well served to remember that when I'm up... I will go back down. Conversely when I'm down, I will go back up... but the thing about neutral as a base starting point for each day, is that I learned to set my cap with some general direction, and then stay in the moment through the day and let the doings of the day bump me up or down instead of turning up the volume on positivity as my base emotional state. I can't seem to keep it, I run out and crash back down.

I seem to be more consistent in my personality and my communications if I reset each day to neutral and then attentively look for opportunities to bump up my moods in thought, word or deed. I don't know... it just sort of works for me.

 

[The Albatross]

When a trigger is really strong, and not paying any attention to it is really difficult (or impossible), then I'm not going to force myself to endure the trigger just to make a point. But at the same time, I have to be wary of the difference between these two situations:

• really not being able to handle it
• not wanting to handle it (by that, I mean that one flees from any responsbility to control it. So, allowing oneself to engage negatively again with the triggers and the bad feelings).

When it comes to the first situation, I want to learn how to treat these moments with acceptance, not hate myself for it. If I hated myself for it, I would be rationalizing from a traumatized/victimized point of view again (i.e: "I let it win again! I am to blame!"). I'd like to distantiate myself from that kind of thinking. Accept that it happened and then let go without resentment & move on. When it comes to the second, I want to learn to manage my "inner child" and tell her to face reality, because she can..

Most excellent points. Yes, yes, yes. Goal setting/challenges have taught me that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was. When I need to know the difference now, I attempt an exposure or a challenge. The result has been having new experiences to draw on and inadvertently it has really narrowed the scope of a real trigger. Mine are very specific now... and with practice, patience, persistence, and perseverance - it isn't anywhere near as hard for me to attempt handling things I don't want to handle. I'm also faster on the rebound after a down cycle.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Having dealt with the black dog (depression) for most of my life I am well served to remember that when I'm up... I will go back down

I have a tendency to go euphoric when things are going good, that has also taught me to try and be more neutral (because when I am euphoric and life gives me a smack in the face, I hurtle off that cloud, and into the ground, at the speed of light... ). It's a tough thing to be neutral though. I have this unreasonable expectation of myself that I "shake it off" and then if I can't, I really hate myself for it. But again that's the warrior's attitude. "Shaking it off" actually means continuing to reject it, so it really means continuing to engage with it.

Somebody gave me a long-distance Reiki session on saturday and I felt everything inside me -things that had been stuck for a long time -shake on its foundations. I'm starting to realize that engaging in fight is actually the same as fleeing, or not wanting to face the past, continuing to grudge the past and attempting to "win from it". It is incredibly difficult for me to just observe the images in my head, accept that they are there, and then move on. Maybe something within me wants to accept the past now and let go, and that's why it keeps coming up.

I have also realized that I am not really the warrior. I am the warrior when I engage, but that's not who I truly am. Who I truly am, is somebody who has the courage to accept and face the past. But I'm scared to death of being that person. :)

When I need to know the difference now, I attempt an exposure or a challenge.

This is a good idea, I should try that. I'm glad that your triggers became easier for you to work with/handle as you made progress with yourself. Awesome!