What Do The Concepts Of 'family' Or 'home' Mean To You? Are They Different Because Of Ptsd?

[Tinyflame]

Well I'm not sure about 'home' but I think 'family' comes down to you either have one or not. Perhaps complicated by the ptsd (or causes of the ptsd). For those who don't understand about not having one they simply don't. After having a family and not having it myself (both scenarios), I think it's sort of like trying to explain grief before people have experienced losses themself. I guess it's hard for them to imagine or understand the difference in the realities and implications, both immediate and long term and at the end of life. I think I understand, it's partially why. meaning well, they suggest things or perspectives that make perfect sense from their context, but personally leave me feeling more alone or apart.

 

[Tinyflame]

Funny, I noticed that when I hear talk 'of' families my mind and emotions immediately feel lousy and I see evidence why it doesn't apply, doesn't apply to me anyway. But when I hear 'we are a family' my mind doesn't have anything to say back.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just came back to add, none of my last remaining my relatives seem to think that way, i.e 'family', this is from non-'family'. Somehow I don't know how what to make of that? :confused:

 

[Zef]

Home is in my head. That is the only place that will ever be safe enough to call a home. That probably sounds more negative than it actually is.

Like many of the posters on this thread, my family is the one my wife and I have created. Except for the uncle/aunt that supported my wife when she was going through her otherwise ugly childhood, our 'blood' relatives are just unpleasant people that we were stuck with for a while

 

[Abstract]

Junebug, what family do you have left? Only if you feel comfortable saying. I know you have your sister. I wondered about aunts and uncles or if she is it. Are you saying you don't feel like you have a family whereas she feels she has? That your family members don't see it the same way as you do.

 

[Stagetrapdoor]

Both my home of origin and my current home have not been places of peace and tranquility. My father was insane. He hallucinated at night and thought I put LSD in his food.It was a place where he was such a bully that you felt he would protect the family from intruders but there was no one to protect you from him.
My husband is insane but in different ways. He always makes life far more complicated than it needs to be and is diagnosed passive aggressive personality disordered.

I feel most at home at my daughter's apartment. That sounds scary for my daughter. If my mother made this statement , I would have been just a little panicked. To reassure you ,I only come over when she invites me.
I have been negotiating with my husband about different living arrangements.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Stagetrapdoor , hope that can be made possible for you. :hug: Just sounds to me as though you are identifying what is not healthy and seeking what is.

@Zef, thanks. Yes I guess because I am single I can't relate to that. I don't have that feeling that someone has my back, or that there is a present or future concept of family.

@Abstract, that's ok, good question. No, just 2 sisters 1000+ miles away; one I've seen twice in the last 27 years (last time 18 years ago at a funeral); the other 4 times in 27 years (the last time about 4 years ago). A couple of handful of cousins all over the world, but some I've never even met and all but 2 older than me, no contact anymore with any of them, didn't spend any time together but not negative either. Not sure 'what', if anything/anyone sister here considers 'family'? We are not 'a' family of course but I would consider her 'family' (as in relatives/related).

I know in my heart I likely believe that if one's own family of origin neither wants nor cares for them, or finds them 'defective' (says so), that I find it hard to imagine any other person wouldn't feel that way. Because I have the supposition that the 'family'- of anyone- should or 'would' desire to 'care' more than any stranger would, due to being related/ family. But, similarly speaking, if they know you best (due to time spent together, seeing all sides of you, etc) and they come to the opposite conclusion, it seems valid. A 'stranger' would find out the same soon enough, I guess I imagine. To simply tell myself otherwise seems like I'm purposefully just telling myself a distortion that is not true.

 

[shell]

I know in my heart I likely believe that if one's own family of origin neither wants nor cares for them, or finds them 'defective' (says so), that I find it hard to imagine any other person wouldn't feel that way. Because I have the supposition that the 'family'- of anyone- should or 'would' desire to 'care' more than any stranger would, due to being related/ family. But, similarly speaking, if they know you best (due to time spent together, seeing all sides of you, etc) and they come to the opposite conclusion, it seems valid. A 'stranger' would find out the same soon enough, I guess I imagine. To simply tell myself otherwise seems like I'm purposefully just telling myself a distortion that is not true.

I can totally relate, it's hard to really open your heart and accept that you are allowed to be part of a new family, and give yourself permission to belong, when you've always believed that defective tag. Now that I've accepted that I am not defective, and it was their issue, I feel like a member of my new family of choice, in a way I never believed possible. I feel loved and accepted.

 

[Barconian]

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends :)

 

[Tinyflame]

That is good news @shell . :hug:

Dear @Barconian , true. But I recognize my friends have their own families and lives. Thanks though. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Because I have the supposition that the 'family'- of anyone- should or 'would' desire to 'care' more than any stranger would, due to being related/ family.

I think so many people feel as you do Junebug. It's the most normal response in the world. Sadly though just because someone is related to us by blood does not mean they have capacity to form healthy relationships or that they are able to love in the way we deserve. They may also not be able to see us and who we are through their own issues and pain.

So if you told yourself that others could care about you and love you in a way that family haven't then you wouldn't be deluding yourself at all and would rather be illuminating yourself! Do you see anyone on here telling you you are worthless or responsible for their bad feelings? Or do you mostly hear a lot of people telling you how valuable you are and how much you deserve to be treated well?

If everyone on this site could expect no greater love or treatment than that their family gave them then there would be a lot of people in big trouble! The same for someone valuing them! :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Abstract , and thank you for calling it 'normal'.

I am getting a little better at realizing the part that I am not responsible for others' bad feelings, though when or if one's 'existence' is equated to the cause it becomes a bit more tricky to believe that or seperate it. It makes me wish I hadn't been born.

The second and related part which is hard to change the belief of, is that in my mind I equate those who are so kind (such as here, yourself included of course :inlove: ), as having a (different-than-family)-positive impression simply because they don't know me well enough (as per family), or have (not) lived with me, or something. Some 2D versus 3D difference? But one has to carry on regardless. It's frequently at the back of my mind though.

Yikes who knows.

Thank you Abstract. :hug: