My first therapist (my only therapist, really) once said ‘You never talk about things that hurt.’ I tend not to, but I am going to do so here, and I’m going to ask members to respond very, very sensitively.
I have severe attachment issues – a fearful avoidant disorganized mess. Seeking out people / experiences that reinforce one’s attachment style is par for the course, which meant that all attachments I did form simply made the mess worse. To add to the confusion: As an adult I don’t seem to attach, whereas the child seems to attach rather indiscriminately. The only sane response to this was to withdraw completely from people / society, which I did - for 9 years.
In August 2012 a series of events happened, during which I (the damn child) ‘accidentally’ attached to a counsellor (with whom I discussed a practical matter regarding my daughter). I went into a blind panic. It did not help that the counsellor thought I was in love with her.
My first reaction was to withdraw completely again, but found that I feared total isolation on the one hand, and attachment on the other, in equal measures. This sent me into another tailspin . At that point I thought I needed a psychologist (after some bad experiences in the past which made me avoid them). Two psychologists passed me on. The first said therapy would be too destabilizing for me. She also said: ‘You seem to have found something that works for you. Why don’t you just stay there?’ She also used the terms ‘complex trauma’ and ‘disorganised attachment’. The second seemed fine but phoned me on the eve of our second session to cancel and refer me to an inpatient program – which was simply not feasible. Besides, the idea of being cooped up with people (my # 1 fear) gave me palpitations and other physical symptom that would not be polite to mention. By that time three months had passed. I joined the forum - and posted frantically and erratically – but held onto my sanity. It was here that I learned that I had been hit by flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms. Not one of the 3 therapists bothered to tell me what was happening to me.
In a state of absolute panic and despair I contacted a third. Needless to say, my attempts at getting into therapy were making the mess worse – and so I started with the third in a REALLY bad state – wanting to run, but terrified of isolation.
I told her my sorry story during the first session. At the end of the session she said she needed another session for an assessment and to decide whether or not to take me on. I went home and flipped. I cancelled via email, as I just couldn’t bear the idea of hanging on for a full week with the likelihood of being sent packing again. She phoned me and committed to therapy with me. I was enormously grateful and relieved.
I had two sessions a week between October and January, with two breaks in between. The sessions were stirring up all kinds of issues and I was getting into a rapidly worse state. After the second break we had a ‘rupture’. This unfortunately coincided with a total financial collapse. (I am a freelancer and couldn’t focus on work.) I could not continue therapy. The last session was on 7 January 2013.
Sorry to say, but all of this has been background. Now for the real issue:
The therapist has stayed in contact with me via email, with the understanding that I will return to therapy when I get on my feet financially. However, the - [ whatever it was that happened post August 2012 ] – has caused so much emotional upheaval that I’ve not been able to recover – emotionally or financially. In our email contact, which is NOT therapy, I obviously don’t say much. It is really just maintaining the attachment, and a way for me to be attached without freaking out, running away, terminating, becoming hostile – all those endearing things people with attachment disorders do. And I am enormously grateful. I am not unnecessarily dramatic when I say that I would have lost my mind without this contact. For no matter how difficult I find being attached to anyone, I fear total isolation terribly – whereas isolation had been my refuge for nearly a decade.
My issue is that she gives me enough to hold onto, but nothing more. Whenever I say anything she responds with ‘this is something we will hopefully be able to discuss in therapy’. We’ve reached the stage where it seems sensible to send a blank email and wait for a blank email in return, as the contact simply serves to maintain the contact, and it seems rather pointless. I’ll only be able to see her when I’ve recovered financially, but if I can get myself together enough to earn enough to be able to see her, there would be no point in returning as it will destabilize me again and I’ll have to terminate again until I’ve recovered again.
I don’t really know what I want in response. I guess I just want to get another take on this. Am I ungrateful? Is she missing something? Am I missing something? Is this pointless or an excellent strategy? She is going way above and beyond the call of duty – in fact there is no duty, she could have cut me off altogether. But this has been going on for more than a year. I was severely traumatized when I last saw her. I’ve managed to push it all away just to get through the day and try to function. But keeping myself calm and reasonably functioning takes a lot of energy, and getting through the day without losing a grip on it all seems to be my main focus.
I don’t know whether my discomfort has to do with the situation or with my attachment issues. I think it’s often a mixed bag, but I also suspect that this arrangement is not really conducive to developing a secure attachment. There are obviously other issues underneath all of this, starting with abuse, neglect and abandonment - and all the neglect issues have surfaced. I KNOW she is not 'neglecting' me, but tell that to the child who wants to connect. Instead, this 'attachment' is managed on an adult level. I've tried letting go, but this sends me into a panic. But holding on has its own problems (It stirs up a lot of unresolved mommy issues).
I’m confused.
@Monster: thanks - you gave me the courage to post this.
Please be kind in your response.
I have severe attachment issues – a fearful avoidant disorganized mess. Seeking out people / experiences that reinforce one’s attachment style is par for the course, which meant that all attachments I did form simply made the mess worse. To add to the confusion: As an adult I don’t seem to attach, whereas the child seems to attach rather indiscriminately. The only sane response to this was to withdraw completely from people / society, which I did - for 9 years.
In August 2012 a series of events happened, during which I (the damn child) ‘accidentally’ attached to a counsellor (with whom I discussed a practical matter regarding my daughter). I went into a blind panic. It did not help that the counsellor thought I was in love with her.
My first reaction was to withdraw completely again, but found that I feared total isolation on the one hand, and attachment on the other, in equal measures. This sent me into another tailspin . At that point I thought I needed a psychologist (after some bad experiences in the past which made me avoid them). Two psychologists passed me on. The first said therapy would be too destabilizing for me. She also said: ‘You seem to have found something that works for you. Why don’t you just stay there?’ She also used the terms ‘complex trauma’ and ‘disorganised attachment’. The second seemed fine but phoned me on the eve of our second session to cancel and refer me to an inpatient program – which was simply not feasible. Besides, the idea of being cooped up with people (my # 1 fear) gave me palpitations and other physical symptom that would not be polite to mention. By that time three months had passed. I joined the forum - and posted frantically and erratically – but held onto my sanity. It was here that I learned that I had been hit by flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms. Not one of the 3 therapists bothered to tell me what was happening to me.
In a state of absolute panic and despair I contacted a third. Needless to say, my attempts at getting into therapy were making the mess worse – and so I started with the third in a REALLY bad state – wanting to run, but terrified of isolation.
I told her my sorry story during the first session. At the end of the session she said she needed another session for an assessment and to decide whether or not to take me on. I went home and flipped. I cancelled via email, as I just couldn’t bear the idea of hanging on for a full week with the likelihood of being sent packing again. She phoned me and committed to therapy with me. I was enormously grateful and relieved.
I had two sessions a week between October and January, with two breaks in between. The sessions were stirring up all kinds of issues and I was getting into a rapidly worse state. After the second break we had a ‘rupture’. This unfortunately coincided with a total financial collapse. (I am a freelancer and couldn’t focus on work.) I could not continue therapy. The last session was on 7 January 2013.
Sorry to say, but all of this has been background. Now for the real issue:
The therapist has stayed in contact with me via email, with the understanding that I will return to therapy when I get on my feet financially. However, the - [ whatever it was that happened post August 2012 ] – has caused so much emotional upheaval that I’ve not been able to recover – emotionally or financially. In our email contact, which is NOT therapy, I obviously don’t say much. It is really just maintaining the attachment, and a way for me to be attached without freaking out, running away, terminating, becoming hostile – all those endearing things people with attachment disorders do. And I am enormously grateful. I am not unnecessarily dramatic when I say that I would have lost my mind without this contact. For no matter how difficult I find being attached to anyone, I fear total isolation terribly – whereas isolation had been my refuge for nearly a decade.
My issue is that she gives me enough to hold onto, but nothing more. Whenever I say anything she responds with ‘this is something we will hopefully be able to discuss in therapy’. We’ve reached the stage where it seems sensible to send a blank email and wait for a blank email in return, as the contact simply serves to maintain the contact, and it seems rather pointless. I’ll only be able to see her when I’ve recovered financially, but if I can get myself together enough to earn enough to be able to see her, there would be no point in returning as it will destabilize me again and I’ll have to terminate again until I’ve recovered again.
I don’t really know what I want in response. I guess I just want to get another take on this. Am I ungrateful? Is she missing something? Am I missing something? Is this pointless or an excellent strategy? She is going way above and beyond the call of duty – in fact there is no duty, she could have cut me off altogether. But this has been going on for more than a year. I was severely traumatized when I last saw her. I’ve managed to push it all away just to get through the day and try to function. But keeping myself calm and reasonably functioning takes a lot of energy, and getting through the day without losing a grip on it all seems to be my main focus.
I don’t know whether my discomfort has to do with the situation or with my attachment issues. I think it’s often a mixed bag, but I also suspect that this arrangement is not really conducive to developing a secure attachment. There are obviously other issues underneath all of this, starting with abuse, neglect and abandonment - and all the neglect issues have surfaced. I KNOW she is not 'neglecting' me, but tell that to the child who wants to connect. Instead, this 'attachment' is managed on an adult level. I've tried letting go, but this sends me into a panic. But holding on has its own problems (It stirs up a lot of unresolved mommy issues).
I’m confused.
@Monster: thanks - you gave me the courage to post this.
Please be kind in your response.
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