Ending Family Relationships

[shell]

It does sound like neither of you have maybe listened to the other, and that just makes us human. Maybe if it's the only incident it needs to be put into perspective as a misunderstanding, rather than throwing out the whole relationship?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

What if you put more trust into your uncle and keep going back until he hears you

Oh, that's a very good question! :) But I'm afraid we're already past that possibility, we've been bickering for half a year about it and now we are both completely fed up. Even if I said that I regret cutting him off, I don't believe he feels like seeing me at all.

I believe it would be best to let some time pass by first. But I will keep your question in mind. Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am a person who does not want to hear about anyones drama anymore. Everyones responses were excellent.

You need to have distance and a new attitude and a fresh perspective. I am of the school of let us agree to disagree.

Your uncle was just helping you out. You do have a responsibility to manage your own symptoms and anger issues.

As for you thinking he was going to attack you, that is your issue and you need to address it. I hope you are in therapy and if it is right for you mabe some medication, if you believe in medication to help you cope and calm down.

We are all human and we are going to have bad and good days. It sounds like it would have been better to stay home that day for you and just take good care of you.

We need our mistakes in order to learn and grow. Some mistakes are painful and costly.

And you are not alone in this. For years I struggled with things similar to what you went through. I wish you the best in resolving this with your Uncle.

Families are complicated humans with many issues. It sounds to me like you were having a really bad day.

I had anger issues and I took an anger management class because I did not want to take it out on the ones around me that I loved.

 

[Barconian]

I am a person who does not want to hear about anyones drama anymore.

This is a PTSD site and we all have drama's because we are all so stressed, drama comes with the territory.

@Radise You have told us all the facts and you have admitted your own mistakes... Tell your uncle what you told us and see what happens. Your uncle obviously means something to you and I say keep trying :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry, for the misunderstanding Barconian. I meant I do not want to hear about any friends drama anymore. I understand that there is so much anguish here. I meant no offense. Again my apologies.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Gizmo, that's o.k. I interpreted it as saying that my uncle doesn't have to want hearing about my drama. You guys understand it pretty well, and you also give me insight/forgive me my mistakes, so that's great.

I agree on the part that it would have been better for me to stay home that particular day, but you know how it is -sometimes we just don't have enough insight in ourselves to realize that we should. Actually, I wasn't even aware of my attitude that day (I thought I was doing fine) until he said something about it.

I understand that people don't have an obligation to be insightful of my issues or be informed of the issues. I would still like to understand @Hashi 's point of view though, the part about it being a massive expectation (I don't understand how come it's massive).

For me it's important to be able to explain things to people, but if they don't want to hear it that's fine too. I will wait for some time to pass and let things cool down, maybe me and my uncle can fix this sometime. However I figured that if people make the choice that they'd rather not hear about my drama, I'd really rather also not be very close to them. But that's a choice, not an act of anger.

 

[Hashi]

I agree very much with gizmo. I also notice that you said:

I agree on the part that it would have been better for me to stay home that particular day, but you know how it is -sometimes we just don't have enough insight in ourselves to realize that we should. Actually, I wasn't even aware of my attitude that day (I thought I was doing fine) until he said something about it.

I'm not sure if this is how you see it, but how I read this is: you didn't try to understand yourself (in terms of general awareness and management), but your uncle should have (in terms of a reaction/attitude from you that wasn't justified in the situation, and it happened because you weren't proactively monitoring yourself).

Other people trying to understand us is great, of course. But I don't agree with having an expectation of that from anyone. To me, that expectation is leaning too much towards a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is problematic for a number of reasons, including:

1) Unrealistic expectations, leading to disappointment that we blame others for.

2) The risk of forgetting that not everyone lives in a PTSD world, and no-one else lives in our PTSD world, and that other people's lives, feelings, imperfections and issues are valid too.

3) A tendency to move responsibility for what happens away from ourselves onto other people. This is definitely something I think of as massive. It allows us to excuse/justify/tolerate all sorts of behaviour in ourselves but little in other people.

If you didn't have the skills to do anything differently at the time, then for me the issue is not that your uncle didn't react differently. The issue is that you didn't have the skills. And the answer is to work on them.

 

[Hashi]

Radise, I would add that I think you're posting with a lot of openness here which I think is impressive. I'm only talking about what you've told us about this past situation.

 

[Echo]

@Radise - I understand your last point. I feel the same. I guess I am the type of person who has relationships with people that involve both of us sharing things intimately. At least I thought that was the case. Maybe I now see how much I've been listening and supporting people. Now when I need it, quite of few of my friends and family members aren't there for me, though I've not been demanding in any way. It is strange, I can't move to superficial relationships. I can't constantly continue to compromise and hide what is going on for me. Those are the behaviours that have held it all in and it needs to come out now. Like you, I don't expect anyone to feel obliged, though it is obviouly hurtful when they pull back, particularly permanently. But also like you, I feel that something dies in the relationship and I don't feel really able to continue. It is also not an act of anger with me. Maybe it is about relational style; I've never done superficial, but maybe also it is a sense of woundedness and a realisation that I finally need to find people who can share the listening and supporting. Not anyone else's fault; more a realisation about where the damage of the abuse/rape has taken me. I hope you manage to reconcile things with your uncle. Maybe give him lots of space and time and concentrate on other things and people meanwhile. Maybe you'll be able to discuss things better with a little water under the bridge.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your clarification, @Hashi :) That does help understand it. Thank you also for the compliment, I've heard before that once I get talking I'm very open about things. Most often, the realization that I have been thinking about things wrongly comes rather late, but when it does, I like to comprehend why I behave in a certain way.

I want to point out that I don't think he "should have understood". What I'm saying is that I would like him to understand my behavior in retrospect, which is a different thing, but maybe also quite a big expectation. But I don't think he should have handled it any differently. He handled it pretty normally, except for the situation in the car (where he froze and didn't want to communicate).

I'm getting to know myself better, so now I can also predict my own behavior better. Which means I take less risks, and travel less by public transport. But even now, I am not always able to determine how my day and mood is going to turn out. Sometimes it goes great, other days it turns into a fiasco quite unexpectedly. Certainly don't blame him for that, though.

2) The risk of forgetting that not everyone lives in a PTSD world, and no-one else lives in our PTSD world, and that other people's lives, feelings, imperfections and issues are valid too. 3) A tendency to move responsibility for what happens away from ourselves onto other people. This is definitely something I think of as massive. It allows us to excuse/justify/tolerate all sorts of behaviour in ourselves but little in other people.

Very true. I posted another thread about being rather egocentric, these last two points specifically are things I'm just beginning to learn. It's quite confronting, but I'm also glad I run into those things, as they kind of hold a mirror in front of me. I will be working on those skills ;)

I understand your last point. I feel the same. I guess I am the type of person who has relationships with people that involve both of us sharing things intimately.

You described it really well. And I realize that other people do not have the responsbility to feel the same way, especially when I have neglected to understand them at the precise moment the clash happened. But I feel, maybe because of all the things I went through in life, that I do not need relationships were sharing intimately is not an option.

I think maybe I just need to accept that with some people I'll never have a relationship like that, and keep it superficial. Hashi was right that I expected too much from him in that sense, and it has not been the first time. I thought we'd have more closeness through this, but it's not happening.

Maybe give him lots of space and time and concentrate on other things and people meanwhile.

Exactly my thinking! Thank you for the feedback :happy:

 

[Barconian]

I want to point out that I don't think he "should have understood". What I'm saying is that I would like him to understand my behavior in retrospect, which is a different thing, but maybe also quite a big expectation. But I don't think he should have handled it any differently. He handled it pretty normally, except for the situation in the car (where he froze and didn't want to communicate).

I think @Radise that you're spot on, your insight is pretty damn good! I guess your uncle froze in the car because he didn't know what to do with you while you were being so irrational (freaking out) and it may of frightened him... I'm only guessing, but that's how I see it.