Attachment In Therapy - Another Thread

[Pencil]

I just mean that I think some of the deepest and most damaging wounds can be - in fact, need to be - approached in a different way.

Yes, and where trauma is your main concern, mine is attachment. I don't much about the cognitive behavioural approaches, but I suspect they belong to the allopathic category.

 

[Pencil]

http://iahip.org/inside-out/issue-6...r-healing-within-the-therapeutic-relationship

Touch, bonding and healing: the holding environment and the use of touch in traumas of omission
The need of the infant for body contact is compelling. When the individual is deprived of tactile stimulation it impacts on the way the individual relates to self and others – a feedback deficiency between skin and brain occurs, which may seriously effect development. Studies have demonstrated that the absence of touch can even kill. The satisfaction of tactile needs has not hitherto been considered a basic need. A basic need is defined as one which must be satisfied if the organism is to survive. “Touch is one of the most essential elements of human development, a profound method of communication, a critical component of the health and growth of infants, and a powerful healing force.” (Bowlby 1952 cited in Harlow 1971). Could it be suggested then that infant psychotherapy exists when tactile stimulation is practiced at the earliest stages of human development? Research indicates we are hard- wired to need touch in the earliest developmental stages. Could similar be true for the client in therapy who has not been ‘gentled’ as an infant, and has regressed to that early developmental stage? A window of opportunity is provided to re-parent, provide corrective experiences, meet unmet needs and facilitate the potential for healing. Montague (1971) suggests that one potential function of the therapist is to become more precious to the client than the internal parent(s) have been.

'Trauma of ommission': I think that is why talking about seems so senseless. It is not possible to talk about something that is not there.

 

[ninja]

Hi Pencil,

It sounds to me that finances are a pretty big part in all of this. i.e. If you had the finances to support therapy, you'd be able to do things a bit differently. It sucks: d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't. For me, this kind of "stuck in a limbo with no foreseeable exit" leads to some feelings of powerlessness, which is a trigger for me and then bam! I end up 'destabilized'.

The current situation with the therapist who is keeping in contact via email sounds precarious to me. Especially because there are some mom-type feelings in the mix, which I think are totally normal, but equally do not feel they can be adequately addressed via email. These are big issues and big feelings that are destabilizing and need to be approached with good boundaries, awareness and caution. I know that you said the email correspondences are not technically therapy, but you attached to her in therapy in person first. Naturally and because of this, I think the boundaries she is laying through email, while necessary, are particularly confusing because not only is it email, but also not technically therapy. I think this would be a difficult adjustment for anyone.

On the flip side, it sounds like you have learned and benefited from the maintained contact. While trying to decide how to proceed with her, you are working through some of your attachment issues, which could be used to build a stronger foundation for future therapy. However, you are doing a lot of this alone when you'd really like to have/need more support.

Would it be possible to keep in contact with her, while also exploring other therapy options? I really think that part of learning how to securely attach is through making gradual changes, instead of continually ripping the rug out from under (it seems for those of us with attachment issues, the rug is both easier to rip and more sensitive to its 'presence' or 'absence'). For me, I know that my 'child' part hyper-focuses and I can't really convince her to see reason when in this mindset. 'Trading' doesn't really work: I have to add but not take away at first, if that makes sense? Eventually, her attention can be directed elsewhere and no longer is she so focused on an 'adult' taking something away again.

 

[Pencil]

It sounds to me that finances are a pretty big part in all of this. i.e. If you had the finances to support therapy, you'd be able to do things a bit differently.

Yes.

"stuck in a limbo with no foreseeable exit" leads to some feelings of powerlessness, which is a trigger for me and then bam! I end up 'destabilized'.

Oh hell, yes!!

Especially because there are some mom-type feelings in the mix, which I think are totally normal, but equally do not feel they can be adequately addressed via email.

OH HELL, YESS!!!

I know that you said the email correspondences are not technically therapy, but you attached to her in therapy in person first. Naturally and because of this, I think the boundaries she is laying through email, while necessary, are particularly confusing because not only is it email, but also not technically therapy. I think this would be a difficult adjustment for anyone.

OH, YES, YES YES!!!!

like you have learned and benefited from the maintained contact.

Absolutely. It kept me sane when I thought I was going to lose it from one minute to the next. I will be eternally grateful to her.

However, you are doing a lot of this alone when you'd really like to have/need more support.

Yes!

I really think that part of learning how to securely attach is through making gradual changes, instead of continually ripping the rug out from under (it seems for those of us with attachment issues, the rug is both easier to rip and more sensitive to its 'presence' or 'absence'). For me, I know that my 'child' part hyper-focuses and I can't really convince her to see reason when in this mindset. 'Trading' doesn't really work: I have to add but not take away at first, if that makes sense? Eventually, her attention can be directed elsewhere and no longer is she so focused on an 'adult' taking something away again.

Yes. Totally.

Would it be possible to keep in contact with her, while also exploring other therapy options?

I know it may sound silly, but I feel disloyal when I think about that. But perhaps she'l be relieved.

@Ninja a, thank you for your response which is spot on.

 

[Lucycat]

@Lucycat: I have a question. For how long have you been married?

I am not sure about the relevence here but the answer is is 28years. my husband is / was a psychiatric nurse when we first met. He is now retired but I respect his knowledge at the same time understanding how much it has moved forewords.
I am studying a degree in psychology myself because I am so fascinated by the whole thing.

 

[Hashi]

Yes, and where trauma is your main concern, mine is attachment.

Actually, I was thinking about my own attachment issues when I said that. My attachment issues manifest in a different way, but I still have them. I feel like my main concern now is not trauma, which I've largely processed, but my lack of attachment to people, situations and life itself. It's severe, and it arises from severe childhood neglect. I can't heal my life because of it. And I can't see any allopathic or homeopathic approach which is going to help me. They haven't done so far, and I don't see how they can. I have to use a different way.

I don't think I see allopathic psychotherapy the same way as you. If I've understood @Lucycat's point correctly, then I agree. There is no such thing as someone providing safe attachment as an allopathic approach, because the attachment issues are only partly to do with what happens externally in terms of therapist, therapist's personality, therapist's actions etc. Much of it is internal, and not touched by the external. So someone who leaves their therapist a voicemail message and doesn't get a response within half a day can start feeling abandoned and anxious. Or they read things into a therapist's turn of phrase, tone of voice, or glance. Whatever the therapist is like.

Someone can't provide safe attachment in the way someone can provide insulin. I see the allopathic approach as something like reparenting work. However, I would imagine it would be impossible to keep transference and past distress out of that. Some allopathic approaches have a homeopathic effect as well - like antidepressants increasing anxiety and suicidal impulses in the first few weeks of taking them.

Edited to add - in my case I think reparenting work would be useless anyway. It's far too late for that. The omission in my case is more like gangrene that ended in an amputation. No point going back and working on the gangrene now, but I can transform some of the effects of the amputation.

What I think needs to be yanked in is an internal safety towards attachment - which might be a combination of radical acceptance of some aspects and transformation of others. For myself and my own attachment (non-attachment) issues I see only alchemy as being effective... and bearable. That is how I managed to get past my non-attachment and attach to my past two therapists enough to do the work with them.

 

[Pencil]

relevence

:facepalm:
I think when it comes to attachment issues, the relevance should smack you (not in the face, though). Seeing that you've been married for so long is testimony to your 'attachability'. I therefore come to the conclusion that you may have attachment issues, but not a major debilitating disorder. Seeing that you are attached to your husband, it makes absolute sense that you would want and need to explore whatever issues you do have, intellectually and rationally with a therapist. For someone virtually unable to attach , the attachment with the therapist needs to be explored, and not the painful lack of attachment in the past.

 

[Hashi]

I should add that what I want isn't necessarily what you want, I know.

I'm just confused by how you're seeing things in terms of exploring/not exploring and working on it emotionally/not working on it emotionally. You seem to be making a distinction between a therapist deliberately doing things to set off attachment issues (homeopathic) and one providing the attachment you need (allopathic).

However, I see any "normal" therapy as bringing up attachment issues whether the therapist tries to direct that or not. It just happens. Are you saying it would make a difference to have a therapist committed to creating the attachment to you, and that your "current" therapist was committed to stirring up the issues and deliberately withholding attachment as part of a strategy?

 

[Pencil]

Are you saying it would make a difference to have a therapist committed to creating the attachment to you, and that your "current" therapist was committed to stirring up the issues and deliberately withholding attachment as part of a strategy?

Yes. But not quite. Although she keeps saying attachment in therapy is inevitable, and although she 'feeds' the attachment by staying in email contact, I also experience her as cold - obviously not as uncaring, I think she proves with every email that she cares, but she is incredibly distant. In other words, she encourages the attachment itself, but then keeps it void / empty - and that puts me right back where I was with my mother, which is for some reason agonizing - and then wants me to talk about it. At times it felt as if she wanted to keep me in a place until something broke inside me.

I'm really tired (it's midnight) and there are so many things I want to respond to (but will only get to it tomorrow) - but let me just add that her approach is what I think of as homeopathic, whereas an allopathic approach would provide some warmth or something, some content or substance.

 

[Rumors]

I have to tell you, Pencil. I have some of the same issues in that I expect people to let me down and leave...maybe that is abandonment, I don't know. However, I focus my energy on my son. Meaning, when I get completely insecure, anxious, petrified, etc. I simply go play basketball with him or go for a walk with him. It rights the world and helps me move beyond my fear. He WANTS to be with me and looks forward to spending time with ME!!! How cool is that? I don't use him to fill my void, but I allow his love to fill me up and see it for the pureness that it is. I can usually move beyond whatever fears I may have at that point. I hope this helps!!!

 

[Pencil]

I do the same, Rumors, but I also know that I am very inconsistent with my daughter - I regularly need to disconnect from her, and this is very damaging. My default state is isolation. I'm a mess, really, and I thought I had the opportunity to sort some of this out. I guess all I can do now is damage control - figure out which will cause the least damage and or discomfort - hanging on in this weird situation or biting the bullet and going off on the raft.

 

[Lucycat]

Seeing that you've been married for so long is testimony to your 'attachability'. I therefore come to the conclusion that you may have attachment issues, but not a major debilitating disorder.

Thank you. However the duration of the attachment is by no means indicative of how disordered or difficult it is. It more an indication of just how much strength my husband has to stick by me through thick and thin when I have pushed him away and tested him to the limit. His skills are what has held us together - not my attachability. With the last 4 years of therapy I see this entirely differently, and am just so grateful that he is still here. I have also had the incredibly difficult task of examining my relationship, and I wont go into it here, but found it quite frightening to look at how and why I made such choices at such a young age.

but I also know that I am very inconsistent with my daughter - I regularly need to disconnect from her, and this is very damaging.

I am sure when your daughter is 28 you will still be saying the same thing. That you are attached but it is difficult and not the way you would like it to be. I hope you will not decide that because you have had an attachment - any attachment - to her for 28 years that it proves or disproves your attachability throughout your life.

I also experience her as cold - obviously not as uncaring

I would suggest that the replies, although interpreted as cold are possibly simply 'professional'. I would not expect a 'warm' reply from my T. I also know that my interpretation of text varies greatly with my mood. Getting a reply at all indicates that she cares enough to bother.

and that puts me right back where I was with my mother, which is for some reason agonizing - and then wants me to talk about it. At times it felt as if she wanted to keep me in a place until something broke inside me.

My relationship with my mother is very difficult. My mother let me down. She still does - but she is still there living with my father- my abuser. I have talked a lot about my mother in therapy. I would almost say I had to be forced to go there because it was so uncomfortable. However looking at that relationship has helped me move forwards. It hasn't changed my past but has made it more comfortable to live in the present.