I May Have Been Molested By My Cousin, But I Can't Tell Anyone Why.

[BlueEyedGirl2014]

This is so hard to kind of type out... I mean I am so scared to say any of this stuff because I've never said any of this stuff to anyone.

My cousin, at the age of 27, passed away. Well, he was shot and killed during an investigation by the police about the possession of child pornography. In the news article I read they claimed he was reaching for a gun and that he had already admitted to being in possession and sending out a bunch of child pornography and abusing the children of "friends of friends." At the time he passed away I was 19. So, an 8 year difference. I always fought on his side, "he NEVER did any of it, he would NEVER have done that to a child!" I think that so many times. SO MANY TIMES. I even miss him, I love him. He was the one I was closest to out of all of my cousins. He was born in 1984, there were 3 other cousins in between us and then I was born in 1991. I was the baby of the family until my sister was born 5 years later. Well, I guess this doesn't matter, but it's just what I've been thinking. Through the past few years (it's been 3 since the incident) I've defended him and catch myself thinking about him from time to time.

I have a family of my own now, a 3 year old and a 1 year old and a wonderful husband. I should be completely happy, but I'm not. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and only now when I assumed it was postpartum depression had I gotten help for it. I've been on several different medications but they just stopped working after so long. I went to therapy but I guess I didn't feel like I was getting the help I needed. (I'm sorry, I'm not trying to write a novel, I'm trying to get the point...) Well, let me get to my memories and my childhood. As early as I can remember, I have known how to pleasure myself? I guess I somehow figured it out. We moved when I was eight to location that was farther away from the rest of my family because my parents needed better jobs. I remember being nine-years-old and pleasuring myself frequently when my parents were asleep or when they weren't home (yes, this was a safe place to leave your 9-year-old home at the time). I remember playing with my barbies naked like they were having sex and just making up an excuse as to why they were naked (not on top of each other) when my parents came into my room. They seemed to brush it off.

In my classes in middle school, I learned to make myself feel good by getting a pencil and rubbing myself with the eraser part of it (through my jeans). (Yes, I know this sounds weird and I feel like an idiot for admitting it now) I think I did this a lot, but I never got caught. I also remember being intrigued by pornography. Sometimes it would be on in my room (after watching something on the movie channel) late at night and I would pleasure myself again. (This is probably around 10 years old) I blew this off time and time again thinking about it when I was older because kids are very impressionable and interested in sex, they know it's dirty but still like to watch because it's new and forbidden I guess? (No, my parents never found out about this either, they kept a good eye on me, I was just sneaky) Fast forward to when I became older, I had boyfriends, I guess they were normal relationships. My first one was probably when I was 14, we were together for 11 months and we never had sex but absolutely some foreplay and I don't know but I think I egged it on. He was a really nice boy and still is. I just push it off as we were experimenting with each other like.. another new forbidden territory? Then came the next boyfriend... he kept pushing me to have sex and we'd do a lot of things, but never sex. I always knew what my parents told me, "don't have sex!" That was pretty much their control over it. In all the relationships I can think of around this time, I instigated kissing and touching. I communicated with my cousin a lot through MSN messenger at the time because he was the only one that would talk to me, or cared about me it seemed. He would tell me all the troubles he was going through and I would tell him. I remember him telling me on thing that stood out. Usually he was drinking. And one time he said something that I don't know if it was meant to be funny or serious. He said that one time he had given me a bath when I was little without our grandmother or anyone there... I guess I just blew this off as him being drunk and stupid. But I didn't tell anyone because I mean... I was 16 at the time?? I would be in trouble and so would he for a stupid unfunny joke.

Finally when I met the boy I did lose my virginity to. We had been together 4 months. We had sex and he broke my hymen. I didn't bleed and it didn't hurt. I guess that is normal from what I've looked up. I've just always been interested in sex. Sex, sex, sex is all I could think about. Every single time I kissed a boy I was turned on. I kissed a mutual friend of mine and my boyfriend's (while we were still dating) and kinda cared that I hurt him, but mostly I wanted to be wanted by this boy. Moved back to where my other family lived with my mom (parents divorced at 13) my senior year of high school and there I broke up with my boyfriend, twice, to be with a new boy and we had lots and and lots of sex (protected) in the two total months we were together. This boy was already kind of promiscuous though. Anyways, moved back to the other place with my boyfriend (who I lost my virginity to) and we were together for I guess half a year while we were in college. Met my husband (we also had lots and lots and lots of sex) and now we're here.

I guess here are my thoughts in summary:

• I don't remember being molested at all. I don't have any memories and I feel like anything I think about is a fabricated memory. The thought of me being molested makes me absolutely sick and cry and I feel so dirty, like I take a bath and scrub because I don't know how to make it feel any better.
• I don't know if what the police are saying is a lie or the truth...
• I am so frightened to tell any of this to anyone because I don't want them to think of me different or think that I'm disgusting.
• I'm not a whore, I've had sex with 3 guys (boyfriends) in my entire life and I've been entirely faithful to my husband, even if for the past few years I haven't had sex with him as much as I've used to.
  
• My husband tries to be very supportive, I've told him some of the story, but find myself changing things to make him think differently, like I said my grandmother was there when he said she wasn't when he gave me a bath or whatever. My husband says "Why would you want to know? Wouldn't it be better if you didn't?" The problem with this is...I feel like I owe it to my cousin to know. I'll never officially be on his side until I know. Ever since I've had these thoughts, I haven't spoken about him, but I think about these things a lot.
• Side note: around the age of 6, i guess I remember my cousin's little brother (who I think is just 2 or 3 years older than me, we're not that close) and I playing at my grandmother's and running behind some trees and he said "we're going to play tarzan and jane" and he took both of our shirts off and rubbed his chest against mine? This could be just a silly game that I didn't understand, but I still think about that to this day and I feel ashamed, I've never told anyone this either. This could be totally unrelated, but I just found it weird.
• Another side note: I'm clinically depressed, I'm a social person in classes and at work but I've always tried to stay away from having a lot of friends because I used to be really socially awkward, like I used to avoid staying at friend's houses by lying and saying my parents said I couldn't. I have really bad anxiety. I have such low self-esteem and I make awful jokes about myself being fat, too pale, not pretty, not smart, etc. I laugh at them but other people say I put myself down too much. I just have no other way of liking myself. I've gone to the gym, I've tanned, I've studied, I got contacts, I colored my hair, I cannot like myself no matter what I look like or think I'm pretty much good for nothing. I hope that makes sense.

Let's face the facts, my cousin is dead. I can't ask him. He wouldn't tell me anyway. Why would he do that? The police don't know who he abused. And if they did apparently we aren't going to find out for YEARS until the details are released. (This is what my aunt has said, apparently 20 years?)

I feel like I will never be satisfied if I don't know. I have looked up hypnotherapists (though I'm not sure if this actually works and if this is something you would go to one for) I wouldn't tell my husband about it. I don't want him there I think if I were possibly able to find out about this sort of thing.

I guess the reason I would want to know is.. I want to start the healing process. I want to be able to go to a therapist and say this without a doubt and work through it. I don't want to say "if this happened to me..." I wanted to say "This did happen to me" or "this did not happen to me."
What I am wanting is advice. Advice on whether or not this is something I should seek out. Has anyone had these thoughts and been proven right or wrong? Please share. I feel like I will never move past this unless I have closure. Please be nice and comforting... I don't think I can handle any rude comments about this. I feel absolutely embarrassed and naked throwing this out there already. :(

Please help somehow, thank you...

 

[BlueEyedGirl2014]

Wow... I did write a novel. I guess I just have a lot of things that I think I need to say. I'm so sorry to anyone who reads this :(

 

[J_trustno1]

Sorry to hear this. I think it would be best to seek therapy and have closure. You can't deal with it all own your own but seek a trained professional. Lastly, there is nothing to be ashamed of about what you have told here. All you need is some help and I am sure you can find someone easy to talk to. One piece of advice I would give from personal experience is that don't open up to anyone but someone you trust. Best wishes and i hope you find your way out of this.

 

[BlueEyedGirl2014]

Sorry to hear this. I think it would be best to seek therapy and have closure. You can't deal with it all own your own but seek a trained professional. Lastly, there is nothing to be ashamed of about what you have told here. All you need is some help and I am sure you can find someone easy to talk to. One piece of advice I would give from personal experience is that don't open up to anyone but someone you trust. Best wishes and i hope you find your way out of this.

Thank you! I am definitely thinking about seeking professional help if I can get past my emotional issues with sharing these thoughts and memories I've had.

 

[J_trustno1]

No worries. And don't feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. Also check with professionals who can understand you and do not open up in the first meeting you talk to them. Trying observing how they understand your feelings and if they can offer any support. I had a worst GP last year and when got the report from psychologist about me being molested at the age of 9, he directly told me "not to sleep around". That comment made me feel worse about myself and I know myself that I haven't done anything. In fact I have never had any relationship in entire life so how dare he say this to me. So be careful in deciding whom you share this with. I am not trying to scare you but to inform you how some people don't understand. All the best.

 

[BlueEyedGirl2014]

No worries. And don't feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. Also check with professionals who can understand you and do not open up in the first meeting you talk to them. Trying observing how they understand your feelings and if they can offer any support. I had a worst GP last year and when got the report from psychologist about me being molested at the age of 9, he directly told me "not to sleep around". That comment made me feel worse about myself and I know myself that I haven't done anything. In fact I have never had any relationship in entire life so how dare he say this to me. So be careful in deciding whom you share this with. I am not trying to scare you but to inform you how some people don't understand. All the best.

I will keep this in mind, I trust my husband to tell him these things, but still I'm so scared. I tell him everything about my life but I can't get myself to share this with him and I'm worried that any therapist I may see might not take me seriously.

 

[J_trustno1]

Try opening up slowly and don't throw the entire information at once. I am not saying that you must keep secrets from your husband but this is your past and you need to resolve this before you can let this out. I'm sure once you find a trusted therapist you will be able to explain them your situation. Before you enter therapy, they always make you sign the confidentiality forms so you can let them not pass any sensitive information to your GP. Secondly, find a qualified therapist, someone who is more qualified (i.e. normally they a PhD in psychology in specific areas) and experienced. When you search them online, you will find how many years they have been treating patients. You might have male or female preference. You also want to consider this because sometimes talking to a male can be difficult (that is in my case).

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@BlueEyedGirl2014 You feel that there is something that has happened in your childhood that you either can't or simply don't at the moment want to see. When a child is abused the immature psyche tends to block things out and it is only later in life that the cognitive mature psyche kicks in and remembers snippets of that trauma. I was raped when I was 9 years old by a babysitter (male) and this carried on for 4 years until his family moved away. When I was 41 the Jimmy Saville enquiry (Operation Yewtree) opened in the Uk surrounding his systematic abuses of both male and female children on his TV show "Jim'll Fix It". I worked for my local county Police Force at this time in the command center and was involved in taking several distressing phone calls from people who remembered being abused by him. The victim tally ran into hundreds over numerous years. I wanted closure on my trauma's regarding being raped ( I won't put details as they can trigger another sufferer quite badly but it was believe me horrific in gravity). I went to my colleague supervisor a Police Inspector who convinced me to go ahead with a prosecution. I was ABE interviewed on video and had to give every single detail on tape. I vaguely remember now crying my heart out in Interview. I don't cry easy as we British have that crappy old saying "keep a stiff upper lip old boy!"

When it came to my rapist being interviewed he denied it saying it was nothing more than "Mutual male masturbation". Trust me I have vivid memories of those rapes, sometimes on a weekly basis for 4 very long years. At the end of all that I was informed that the CPS had decided not to take him to court due to my case being "too historic". That broke the proverbial camels back and I cascaded downwards until I finally broke down last May. Thereafter I was diagnosed with C-PTSD coupled with Combat Stress. I scored so high on my therapists scale he reckoned on 20-30 EMDR sessions instead of the "normal" 6 - 10 sessions.

My advise is this; You need to think long and hard whether you want to retrace your steps in memory lane there is no right or wrong answer at all. But be careful if you discover anything not to try and bottle it up because it will come back out and it will become very real (if you discover that your gut feelings are in fact correct) Please Please make sure that you have a support network of close family/friends and please please go to a therapist or ask for a referral to see a psychotherapist and get that support ready before you venture down this path.

Oh and as an addition well done for making the first most important step and coming to this forum. You will not be judged by the most of us and those who pass nasty and berating comments of threads are well and truly swiftly "booted". Have no fears in disclosing anything with us on here we have for sufferers been there ourselves and there are many fantastic supporters on here as well.

(((Hugs))) :hugs:

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Oh and don't worry about writing novels. Most of my replies / threads are more like war and peace lol..... :)

 

[BlueEyedGirl2014]

@laurie71 Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear that you went through that. What you say about the stress and trauma it caused you from knowing, I fully understand. It scares me that this could also happen and I am scared that this will completely screw up my relationship with my aunt. I don't think if I actually knew for sure if I could tell her, it would kill her and she probably wouldn't believe me anyway. She refuses to believe he would do anything like this. My husband would be supportive and do whatever it takes to help me through it but I can't get up the courage to tell him. I feel filthy even thinking about the comments he made.
I guess another thing that came to mind was when I was 16 and I visited my dad's over Christmas break, he was there, drunk as usual, and as far as I know to this day (I seriously don't remember much of this) we were watching Knocked Up and we were alone and he made comments that I don't even remember what he specifically said but there was something sexual about it. I brushed it off knowing it was wrong because I mean.. that's incest and I didn't think he would do anything like that! I was grossed out but I didn't want him to be mad so I didn't tell anyone and I just let it go and fell asleep. Later he had text something to me that I remember along the lines of being "wouldn't you like to know what happened last night" (the details are really blurry) but he never said anything other than that and I figured I would've woke up if something was going on. I'm sure nothing happened that night but the comments he made were really inappropriate and sickening and I feel like I brought it on myself for not ever saying anything. If it was anyone else telling me this stuff I would have told them to tell somebody that he shouldn't be doing things like that. But I loved him, he was my cousin. The only one I was close to and I didn't know he was capable of these things beforehand. At 16 I guess I thought he was being a horny stupid boy.

I'm sorry, I have trouble remembering things when I type them out. That's why my thoughts are so scattered. I'll probably remember something else that happened tomorrow. I know these kinds of things make it hard for people to believe me, but I seriously have a terrible memory, always have. I can barely remember the homework assignment I read yesterday. :P

Either way, Laurie & @jess_trustno1, both of you are giving me support and it helps more than you know. It's helpful to know that there are people who are supportive and have been through the same things. Though both of you have been through worse, obviously, I can feel for both of you because if I feel like this without even knowing I can't imagine the emotional trauma. (Sorry if I am repeating myself, I do that too)
I guess I am saying thank you! I didn't really expect any replies to my post.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please think LONG and HARD before you share details about your trauma with your husband. Yeah, in general it's great to have someone you can share everything with, but this concept stops short of trauma details.

Sufferers sometimes treat their significant other or friend as a therapist when unloading details. It can make the sufferer feel better, but these thoughts are burdensome to the ones we love. More than one supporter has posted about their sufferer disclosing details to them that subsequently put the supporter in a very bad mental state. Please find a therapist to talk to. Your husband can support you, but please don't get into the nitty-gritty details with him as he is not trained to handle it.

 

[WillyKat]

Thank you for sharing your story, even if some of it may be fragmentary or hard to believe.

I want to focus just on one of your bullet points where you said you felt "dirty". As other posters have pointed out, you did nothing wrong! NOTHING!! If in fact you were abused, you did not take part in it. A crime was committed against you. That's a fact and I urge you to just soak that in and feel the chains fall from your shoulders.

Don't worry about what you can and can't say here. (Well, there are some forum rules, but otherwise, vent all you want.)

Memory is very tricky thing and it will take some time to figure out what's going on in your case. Don't be in a rush. And I sort of think that trying to remember probably won't be successful.

Welcome.