Tomorrow Is Here, But Today I'm Floating

[mytai]

seems like that JP laughed at you because he needs to feel superior to people, which makes him inadequate as a person.

It made me feel inadequate to be laughed at. He laughed at the fact that I thought I could get a restraining order or peace bond, he laughed at the fact that I thought it would help me, he laughed at the fact that I dissociate and have PTSD, he laughed and chuckled while he read why I felt I needed a restraining order. I was just one big joke to him.

I second the suggestion for possibly more frequent sessions with your T

If I could afford it I would go more than once a week, believe me. Seeing her more than once a week over the course of a month is more than my rent. I've been looking at trying to get a second job so I can afford to go more frequently right now, but I'm struggling just to hold it together at my current job.

He will not like this and I am not surprised you are feeling in such a state of panic, but you are safe

I know he won't like that I've done this, but I'm not safe. I'm not safe until he is arrested. I am not safe.

I'm not holding it together. I haven't slept more than that 1 hour I managed to get the night before reporting. I can't eat. I've been thinking about suicide, how I would do it, I'm thinking of ways that have never crossed my mind before. I'm thinking about how I would make sure my pets were taken care of after I'm gone. I'm just not doing ok. I know that if I'm feeling this bad I should go to the hospital, but I don't feel deserving of being helped.

 

[HelenB]

You definitely do deserve to be helped and I am really hoping you can get yourself safe. Can you contact the crisis line and talk to them about how you are feeling? I know you do not feel safe now, but what you are doing is to ensure that you are safe, and is standing up to say that what he is doing is not OK. You are doing so well and have been so strong and you can get past this, and I am really praying that you do get the help you deserve, because you really do deserve it and there really is another way out of this, where you can find freedom and the safety which you do deserve so much.

God Bless
Helen

 

[Echo]

@mytai, do not let that stupid idiot of a JP get to you. Maybe it was a nervous reaction from him or he really does enjoy his little bit of power. Whatever he is not worth thinking about, except for the fact that he really triggered you.

Please look after yourself and do go the hospital if that's what you need. My cats are in a cattery. Just check your animals in somewhere and do what you need for you. And if that isn't possible, then please ring the crisis line. Do not let your vile specimen of a so-called great uncle (who is not worthy of that honour) defeat you. Get all the help you need from whatever quarter is available to you. It doesn't matter whether you think you deserve it right now because you are triggered by your uncle's worldview. Just do it anyway - try and remember that feeling that prompted you to make a stand, even if you can't feel it at the moment. You will get back there when you are more stabilised.

 

[Ryn]

I haven't slept more than that 1 hour I managed to get the night before reporting

I don't know what you've tried, if anything, or what helps you, but would it be possible to take some sort of sleeping pill to help? I know that for me, my suicidal thoughts and general fear/bad feelings spike way up when I'm down on sleep. I'm worried for you and wondering if that might be something you could consider. But I do understand that things are far from that easy. I know it's just so, so hard to think clearly when you haven't gotten enough sleep.

I agree - please, go to the hospital if you need. You are so worth it. I wish we could come take care of you. :( Hang in there. The night is darkest just before the dawn. xx

 

[scout86]

The JP is an idiot and a jerk, no doubt about it! I don't understand a system that doesn't allow a restraining order in this situation!

So, what would make you feel "safe", other than your uncle being in jail (or dead)? You're justified in feeling fear, but are there things you can DO about it? Is there someone you trust who can stay with you for awhile, for example? Is there someone you can trust who can kind of keep an eye on your uncle for you? So you know, for example, that he's in the town where he lives, not anywhere else. I know none of this is perfect, but doing things to help make yourself safer can be kind of empowering. Have you talked this over with the SA support people? Maybe they have some ideas. I'm sure they deal with people who are threatened by their attackers a lot, especially if the law there says you can't get a restraining when there's an investigation under way.

Remember, "the JP is a jerk". You've done the right thing. The police seem to be taking you seriously. Your therapist takes you seriously. The support people take you seriously, as does everyone here. So sorry this can't be easier for you! I wish you & Chelsea could come and stay at my house until this is over. take care & hang in there!

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I don't pretend to understand why the JP laughed at me. It really screwed with my head though. It keeps replaying in my head over and over. When I told my T that, she actually sounded angry almost, I haven't really heard that tone in her voice before.

@HelenB, I can contact the crisis line once I'm not at work anymore. I have to try and keep it together while I'm here at least.

@Ryn, I've tried relaxation techniques, I took Klonopin (which I've been prescribed to help with sleep - normally that takes me down quick). Like you, lack of sleep never helps me, my mind races more the longer I go without sleep, and the less I am able to think things through.

@scout86, There is nothing I can really "do" about it. Nothing except my uncle being in jail (or dead) would make me feel safe, I will always feel at risk without that ending. I don't really have support in London, I just met a new friend (who is supportive), but I don't know him well enough to have him sleep over at my apartment (but I know he would in a heartbeat). He is very nice, and literally my only support now outside of professionals and this forum, but again, we only just met, and the hyper vigilant side of me says it isn't a wise thing to do when I have known him less than a month. I don't have anyone who could keep an eye out on my great-uncle for me. My T is actually going to be calling the detective on Monday to find out what they plan on doing to keep me safe during the investigation. She was also surprised that I couldn't be granted a restraining order during an investigation, but she double checked what the JP said to me to make sure it was accurate (and it is).

 

[Ryn]

Good to hear your T is going to call the detective. I hope that call provides answers for you and paves the way forward a bit. For now, maybe try to focus on just getting through this weekend? I know for me sometimes it's easier to just deal with a day at a time than seeing a bunch of endless, hopeless weeks. It's just thinking of it as putting one foot in front of the other rather than scaling a mountain.

Really, really proud of you for all you have done so far. Calling the crisis line alone can be such a daunting and impossible task when you're so ready to just give up, but look at you. You have done that and more. You are writing here, you made it to your appointment, you went to work, you met a friend, you tried meds and relaxation, you are being honest about how you are doing, you are thinking ahead as best you can... you are stronger than you think, mytai. It gives me great hope when you say your uncle in jail might make you feel safe - you've taken the first step in that process and your feeling safe is becoming closer to reality, after all this time. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be safe.

What is it that you need, right now, or once you get home from work? Crisis line, rest, distraction, something lighthearted, a busy task, quiet, company, solitude, nourishment, comfort...? It's okay if you don't know, and you don't need to answer. I just find that sometimes when I am able to pinpoint a thing or a few things that I am feeling and possible solutions for those things, I can make a list and have those resources at hand instead of just sinking and stressing and not knowing what to do. For example, when I know I need rest, I have a calming atmospheric music track and some aromatherapy and I draw the curtains and lie down. Or when I need something distracting/lighthearted, I have a list of funny/happy videos to watch or games to play. It might just be me, but there's something about having a list and things to do in order to carry out that list that helps me feel less hopeless/useless, and as much as I often hate to help myself, I do recognise that there can be great benefit in self-soothing.

You must be so exhausted, you poor thing. :( ((((hugs))))

 

[HelenB]

Sending you gentle hugs too and hoping you really can be so kind to yourself now and do everything you can to keep yourself emotionally safe as you deserve it so much.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

@Ryn, I don't really know what I need when I get home from work. I wish I had been in a mind set to ask my T for a hug before I left yesterday. I really need one from someone I know is safe. I'm going to try and take Chelsea for a walk now that it is warmer outside, I will try to stick to main roads. I will call the crisis line tonight, I will try and eat some food. I want to be isolated right now, I don't want to be near anyone other than my support team.

 

[HelenB]

Sending you gentle hugs.
Helen

 

[Ryn]

This sounds like a good plan. Well done and stay safe. x

I don't suppose the friend you spoke of earlier is an option for a hug? Though I hear you that you want to be isolated and that is more than understandable. Rest assured there are lots of virtual hugs coming your way from all of us. I pray you find some peace and rest tonight, and do take care of yourself as best you can.

 

[HelenB]

Been thinking of you a lot and hope you are ok. Don't feel like you have to reply, but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

God bless
Helen