Not Angry Towards Attacker

[Meadowsweet]

A while ago I'd said to a friend of the time, that I was angry at the person who covered up. She said that I was angry at my attacker really, not at this other person. It sounds like a possibility, so I didn't dismiss it, and thought maybe I was over-sensitive to the cover up person, and my feelings were unjust and unacceptable.

But all this time later, I can honestly say, no, I am angry at the person who covered it up because of what she did, not because of what the attacker did. I'm not in touch with her, so this isn't going to be a reality, but inside I want to change what she did, and to bring about change, anger seems like an appropriate emotion.

But it made me wonder at my feelings about the attacker - and I find that I'm not angry at him, I'm terrified of him and at the same time I almost pity him for being such scum. It's almost like, somewhere my mind has assessed the situation and found that fear, freezing or running would be the right reaction, not anger.

I just wondered what other people feel towards people involved in or around their abuse, and if anyone has analysed why they feel those feelings?

 

[Seasounds]

For myself, at first, due to fear of the attacker, I didn't feel angry at them, and felt semi-resentful at the non-attackers who witnessed the events. These are sympathetic responses which clued me into my fear of expressing anger-that is appropriate, when as one animal is attacked by another, and when one animal is attacked-with their clan members doing nothing-due to their fear.

In resolving abuse, it is healthy to have anger at people who were the perpetrators and the observers. I think of recovery in stages. As one heals, they cycle/spiral up, going through the stages many times, in their healing process.

• Denial: where it is scary and difficult to confront
• Anger: necessary in reclaiming your boundaries, right to self-govern.
• Acceptance: that the event did happen.
• Healing: beginning to develop self-esteem and the ability to re-engage.

I'm still healing and spiraling through the stages, myself.

 

[Jane.l]

Yes I don't feel anything much towards my abusers - mostly just numb and I guess maybe that's part of why this process is so scary -
I am scared I won 't handle the anger when/if it happens .

 

[Justmehere]

I have been furious, really furious, with those who stayed silent about abuse they knew I was suffering as a child and then later tried to apologize to me as an adult for doing nothing. I have felt this way while feeling the same kinds of feelings towards my abusive parent that you describe feeling about your attacker. I was angry towards those adults who told me to make my father happy so he didn't hit me, while not really being mad at my father. I have felt angry with the police who initially did not believe me about a person who abused me as an adult, but didn't feel any anger at all against the perpetrator. I too have felt pity towards him, thinking he must be a really tortured soul. I have feared him, but I haven't been angry.

My therapist said that to have anger, an emotion that fuels up the body to work for change, there has to be hope that it could change, or no other reaction possible (i.e. escape is not possible and for whatever reason, freezing up isn't an option either.)

As I begin to process the abuse in therapy, and feel safer in my life, I am beginning to feel anger at the abusers. It's a little daunting. I didn't think those feelings were there at all.

I have also been really wrestling with why people stay silent and or downright cover up abuse. There is something about it that is so deeply betraying to me. I am willing to accept there are evil people in the world. There is something extra-horrible about people who can see evil and not do what they can to stop it, and even worse, help in hiding and covering it up. That's how it is for me.

I don't have any answers, it's been really confusing for me in my own journey.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It seems from these replies that there should be anger, and maybe there is some anger. In that last attack, he came back to the house when I was still in shock and had felt nothing. But when faced with him, a wave of anger so huge came over me, I was immensely angry that he had tried to kill my children's mother, and my reaction was to walk out the house, and keep on walking at break neck speed. Maybe that burst of anger was strong enough to get it out, there and then.

I've never got angry with the people who covered it up, I am just so hurt.

I have also been really wrestling with why people stay silent and or downright cover up abuse. There is something about it that is so deeply betraying to me. I am willing to accept there are evil people in the world. There is something extra-horrible about people who can see evil and not do what they can to stop it, and even worse, help in hiding and covering it up.

Yes, that's just how I feel.

 

[Barconian]

Anger makes the heart go cold

 

[Jane.l]

Anger is healthy apparently - it's aggression that's a problem .

Just been talking ( I did manage a few words ! ) about this with my T and he thinks my lack of anger is because I still tend to self blame and the multitude of shame & guilt issues I have . Also that I am afraid to have emotions attached to it because I think they would overwhelm me - and my lack of self esteem - guess it makes sense but lot of work needed on this I think

 

[The Albatross]

Anger is the adrenaline push that we get to initiate change.

 

[WillyKat]

If you read Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery, you'll see in the first few pages that there's a bit of a special place reserved for bystanders. Paraphrasing: being a silent bystander is a whole lot easier and less risky. Getting involved is a lot of work and has quite a few risks.

I believe its related to the level of trust: the more you trust someone, the more anger you have toward them for not protecting you.

In my case, I trusted the people (family, teachers) very much and less so my abuser (neighbor), so most of my anger deals with those I trusted most, that I relied upon to protect me, but who didn't. If the people you most rely on for protection become bystanders, you'll have a hard time forgiving them.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Barconian , I disagree that anger makes the heart cold. Anger when felt is surely hot. Perhaps coldness, or numbness is a way to keep anger down.

I am afraid to have emotions attached to it because I think they would overwhelm me - and my lack of self esteem

These are things that I can relate to. I think we have to give ourselves the 'right' to feel anger, like it is a privelage that means 'I am allowed to have a say in how others treat me'. That feels quite significant saying that.

most of my anger deals with those I trusted most, that I relied upon to protect me, but who didn't.

Yes, this holds true for me too. In a very childish way, I've learned to put abusers in the catagory of 'bad' person now, but that makes non-abusers 'good' and I have all kinds of expectations of what 'good' people do. And by allowing abuse to go on, or protecting abusers, they're not living up to those expectations.

I know that the childish bad/good thing isn't realistic. But the problem with leaving that and trying to understand why people behave as they do, is that I tend to to find so many reasons that justify bad behavior, that I see my own actions as being to blame for abuse, or I don't see abuse at all. And that's dangerous for me.