Vulnera_Sanentur
New Here
Hey guys, so I recently found this forum and decided to give it a go, as the other PTSD forum I've joined doesn't seem to be very active.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD the way my psychiatrist spoke about it, it seemed like she was referring to the complex type, although I live in the US and they don't officially have that diagnosis (I think it was rejected in the DSM-5 for some reason). I'm going to apologize in advance for this long post... I talk way too much.
Anyway I'm not new at all to psychology and therapy and all that - I started therapy at the age of 9 and I'm now 24 and still in therapy. I have other diagnoses, the primary one being Borderline Personality Disorder with traits of Narcissistic, Antisocial and Avoidant personality disorders, as well as Major Depression, Severe, Binge Eating Disorder and a slew of "history of" addictions (I've been sober/clean now for just over 2 years).
For the most part I agree with my diagnoses, but I really can't wrap my mind around PTSD. I just feel like the things I went through aren't "bad" enough for me to have something like that and I'm also concerned about a lack of symptoms or something. My boyfriend also has PTSD, but his is from the war and being sexually abused when he was 5. He has all the classic symptoms and I just feel like what he went through is so much worse and my "PTSD" doesn't really present itself the same way.
I don't have flashbacks or anything like that. There are certain, weird, specific things that will trigger me and I will either dissociate or depersonalize. I've also found that I can force myself to do these things when I'm getting too emotional and I don't want to be. I do have horrible nightmares, some of which seem to be related to trauma and others that really don't seem to be, but I guess could be on a unconscious level. Many times, after doing certain things, seeing certain things or whatever I am unable to stop thinking about some of the things that happened to me (for instance I started this account after engaging in sexual activity.... I really can't do anything sexual without "leaving myself" or thinking about it nonstop). I'm pretty much convinced that I'm going to be forced to have to continue going through traumatic and painful experiences and that I won't die naturally, but at the hands of someone else. I can realistically see about 3 months into the future, anything other than that seems like a fantasy that won't happen because I will be dead/murdered. To be clear, it's not like I'm suicidal, it's just I don't expect to live very long.
Just to not beat around the bush, the traumatic stuff I went through was being raped/molested by 7 people throughout my life, some of them did it more than once. I am completely convinced there is an 8th person when I was a child, but I have no memory of it, just surrounding events that make me extremely uncomfortable to think about. 3 of the people who molested me as a child were friends. 2 of the people who raped me were boyfriends, one of which physically abused me constantly. 1 person who sexually assaulted me and attempted to rape me was someone I thought was my friend. Also, when I was 14-15 I spent a year at a "residential treatment facility" that used violence, legal intimidation, psychological abuse and brainwashing to "treat" kids. I regularly have nightmares that I am there again, and usually wake up screaming.
Many of these things, combined with my other psychological issues (some of which are genetic) led to drug use, overeating and sexual addiction. Out of all of them, the last one is the one that bothers me the most and causes the most shame. It's something that I have not spoken with very many people about as it tends to push them away. I only recently learned that I completely dissociate when having sex, even with someone who I trust explicitly. My parents knew about many of the times I was abused, but they were also raped at various points in their life, so they did nothing to help me and told me to just "deal with it" like they did. My father is also very psychologically abusive and at times is physically abusive. He seems to view me as being damaged already, and treats my other siblings with love and care while shunning me.
I live with my parents currently after impulsively running away to live with my boyfriend who I have been with on and off for almost two years. He is also a drug addict who is clean and was abused, but even when we fight he never calls me names or hits me and he would never hurt me like people have before. My parents hate him but he is the only person I feel safe with. Currently he is living 3 hours away from me and is homeless due to a series of problems he has encountered after being honorably discharged from the army - he is living in a VA home for vets to get on their feet. I am living with my parents and going to college for psychology, which is extremely emotionally difficult even though I have a lot of interest in the subject.
Anyways, sorry for this being so long, I guess this is my intro and I want to know what other people think about all this, and what y'alls experience with PTSD has been like. I just want to know that there are other people out there that have gone through these types of things (not that I would wish that on anyone, I just feel very alone) and that it's not because something is inherently wrong with me, which is how I feel. I basically feel like I have a target on my back that only psycho sadists can see. Does anyone out there know what I mean? Even if you don't... thanks for reading all this.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD the way my psychiatrist spoke about it, it seemed like she was referring to the complex type, although I live in the US and they don't officially have that diagnosis (I think it was rejected in the DSM-5 for some reason). I'm going to apologize in advance for this long post... I talk way too much.
Anyway I'm not new at all to psychology and therapy and all that - I started therapy at the age of 9 and I'm now 24 and still in therapy. I have other diagnoses, the primary one being Borderline Personality Disorder with traits of Narcissistic, Antisocial and Avoidant personality disorders, as well as Major Depression, Severe, Binge Eating Disorder and a slew of "history of" addictions (I've been sober/clean now for just over 2 years).
For the most part I agree with my diagnoses, but I really can't wrap my mind around PTSD. I just feel like the things I went through aren't "bad" enough for me to have something like that and I'm also concerned about a lack of symptoms or something. My boyfriend also has PTSD, but his is from the war and being sexually abused when he was 5. He has all the classic symptoms and I just feel like what he went through is so much worse and my "PTSD" doesn't really present itself the same way.
I don't have flashbacks or anything like that. There are certain, weird, specific things that will trigger me and I will either dissociate or depersonalize. I've also found that I can force myself to do these things when I'm getting too emotional and I don't want to be. I do have horrible nightmares, some of which seem to be related to trauma and others that really don't seem to be, but I guess could be on a unconscious level. Many times, after doing certain things, seeing certain things or whatever I am unable to stop thinking about some of the things that happened to me (for instance I started this account after engaging in sexual activity.... I really can't do anything sexual without "leaving myself" or thinking about it nonstop). I'm pretty much convinced that I'm going to be forced to have to continue going through traumatic and painful experiences and that I won't die naturally, but at the hands of someone else. I can realistically see about 3 months into the future, anything other than that seems like a fantasy that won't happen because I will be dead/murdered. To be clear, it's not like I'm suicidal, it's just I don't expect to live very long.
Just to not beat around the bush, the traumatic stuff I went through was being raped/molested by 7 people throughout my life, some of them did it more than once. I am completely convinced there is an 8th person when I was a child, but I have no memory of it, just surrounding events that make me extremely uncomfortable to think about. 3 of the people who molested me as a child were friends. 2 of the people who raped me were boyfriends, one of which physically abused me constantly. 1 person who sexually assaulted me and attempted to rape me was someone I thought was my friend. Also, when I was 14-15 I spent a year at a "residential treatment facility" that used violence, legal intimidation, psychological abuse and brainwashing to "treat" kids. I regularly have nightmares that I am there again, and usually wake up screaming.
Many of these things, combined with my other psychological issues (some of which are genetic) led to drug use, overeating and sexual addiction. Out of all of them, the last one is the one that bothers me the most and causes the most shame. It's something that I have not spoken with very many people about as it tends to push them away. I only recently learned that I completely dissociate when having sex, even with someone who I trust explicitly. My parents knew about many of the times I was abused, but they were also raped at various points in their life, so they did nothing to help me and told me to just "deal with it" like they did. My father is also very psychologically abusive and at times is physically abusive. He seems to view me as being damaged already, and treats my other siblings with love and care while shunning me.
I live with my parents currently after impulsively running away to live with my boyfriend who I have been with on and off for almost two years. He is also a drug addict who is clean and was abused, but even when we fight he never calls me names or hits me and he would never hurt me like people have before. My parents hate him but he is the only person I feel safe with. Currently he is living 3 hours away from me and is homeless due to a series of problems he has encountered after being honorably discharged from the army - he is living in a VA home for vets to get on their feet. I am living with my parents and going to college for psychology, which is extremely emotionally difficult even though I have a lot of interest in the subject.
Anyways, sorry for this being so long, I guess this is my intro and I want to know what other people think about all this, and what y'alls experience with PTSD has been like. I just want to know that there are other people out there that have gone through these types of things (not that I would wish that on anyone, I just feel very alone) and that it's not because something is inherently wrong with me, which is how I feel. I basically feel like I have a target on my back that only psycho sadists can see. Does anyone out there know what I mean? Even if you don't... thanks for reading all this.
