Relationship I Can't Seem To Get It Right

[tsadlerj]

I said that I had found a weird note. When she told me there were things hidden I was thinking about self harm tools not a note. Either way that doesnt change the fact the I acted incorrectly. We are talking now so that is good.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Perhaps the note was more significant to you then, but why did you feel the need to tell her that you found the note and thought it was weird?

It's good you're talking again, and that you recognise you did something wrong. But I think sometimes questioning why you do something, and finding what drives those actions, is the only way to change them long term.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Perhaps the note was more significant to you then, but why did you feel the need to tell her that you found the note and thought it was weird?

Forgive me here, but I am not understanding the fixation on why he read the note and why he told her? It was a piece of paper that anybody would pick up and glance at to see if it was garbage or something important. It's not like he read her diary or something knowing there would be personal information in there or went looking specifically to find something. He was working on a shelf that she was aware he was working on and she knew she had notes stashed in there. Maybe deep down, she wanted him to find them? Regardless, it happened and he was upfront and honest with her that he read it. I would find a lot more fault in him if he had kept it secret from her. She should take some measure of comfort in the fact that he was honest about finding it by accident and reading it and that he isn't judging her for whatever it said.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have asked two questions rather than created a 'fixation'. Your use of the word here is very negative and I don't appreciate its tone.

But to answer your question, I don't find it healthy to try to find fault in people - as readers we are blinded to many details whenever somebody shares their part of a story, so when something seems strange, rather than jump to conclusions, I ask questions.

Moreover, as I said in my previous post, by questioning ourselves and what drives us to respond in the way we do, we can learn to respond differently. The poster here wants to respond differently, that's why he posted - so I've asked that kind of question.

The world would be a better place with more questions and listening and less jumping to conclusions and judging in my view.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I have asked two questions rather than created a 'fixation'.

The reason I ask is because you have asked three times now (not twice) and he has answered twice. I might be mistaken, or maybe it is coming across wrong, but if these questions were being asked of me repeatedly after I answered, I would feel like I was being put on the spot and being judged. Maybe he doesn't feel that way. I still think he should be commended for his honesty and openness with her. At least now she might realize that he doesn't want to hide anything from her. That being said, I am backing out of this discussion because apparently I touched on a sore spot with you and this is not the place for arguments.

 

[Meadowsweet]

That is your judgement of me snowangel. This is a thread asking for help to 'get it right' and that is the help that I'm offering. I haven't asked you those searching questions, because you're not saying that you realise you've made a mistake and want to learn. So it is quite wrong of you to project how you might feel if I was asking these questions to you.

These are the kind of searching questions that I have been asked and have asked of myself in therapy, so I know that they can lead to healing. It's with that positive outlook that I'm asking.

I have explained and not argued with you because it isn't my sore spots that have been touched. The way I have approached this thread is very positive and is well meaning. Your judgement of me as having fixations and having sore spots touched etc is quite wrong and quite unfair.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think "getting it right" involves not being able to look at a scrap piece of paper you randomly find!

Good lord, I can see it now. If you two move in together, make her do all the cleaning cuz god forbid you find a scrap piece of paper under the desk, under the couch, under the bed and it have private stuff on it! Then it will get even worse. You won't be able to open a book or drawer (read, ANY book or drawer) because again, it may have something private in it. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I get the feeling that both the guy who posted here and his girlfriend who posted in the sufferer forum aren't going to let go of the belief that she was 100% right and he was 100% wrong. Yeah, we've got PTSD, but someone who has such a tenuous sense of trust shouldn't be in a relationship. She needs to work on herself first. Otherwise you end up with situations like this where the other person is made to feel wrong (and truly believe he is in fact wrong) when there was NO malice behind the actions. And then you finally graduate to walking on eggshells 24/7.

 

[WillyKat]

As someone who walks on eggshells, amen to that @Solara.

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually I think @Meadowsweet and @Solara raise good points.

I'm sorry if this seems a bit wierd, or a function of my own thoughts, but I find something odd here. How is it that 2 people who have never posted here suddenly have both 'found' this same forum yet do not see or respond directly to one another's posts, when they show up first in the 'new' category? That's a lot of coincidence in the timing. JMHO of course.

Forgive me @tsadlerj , but there have been others banned for starting conversations that others took very seriously but wherein more information was actually present. I'm feeling funny about this and recommend you respond directly to your gf on the other thread, which you may have done already.

 

[Meadowsweet]

People rarely stop to ask and listen to both sides. I think the world wants instant answers that are black and white - so when it comes to disagreements, people try to make one the good guy and one the bad guy. I guess the choice most often relates to what appears on the outside and how a person relates to their own personal experiences.

Not trusting anyone can be a problem, and trusting that first impressions are the whole picture can be a problem too. There is a balance to be found in not making that decision of who is right or wrong until further information comes to light.

When both partners are present and sharing their personal life on the same forum, I think it becomes necessary to take both people into consideration. I agree with Junebug, that the poster here should talk to each other. It just seems there is something not quite right about this whole situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @Meadowsweet . I did look briefly at the other thread, and realize the poster responded to it. But your gf's response was something like 'we both agree we love bacon', not "OMG- we are posting on the same forum". I can't quite make that leap in understanding.

Good luck to you both.

 

[broken brain]

I'm very much done with this thread and this conflict, but @Junebug I believe twice I acknowledge we were posting on the same thread and said I felt stupid about it.

I have to say, for an inclusive and safe environment, I have come across quite a few judgmental assholes. Pardon my frankness but you've all shared your opinions and that is mine.